To not facilitate contact anymore?

[MammaInAPickle]

Hi,

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but it's the familial guilt that is making me question myself, so I have come here to get some outsider views and advice. (I'm not new here but I have NC)

Question: AIBU to consider stopping contact between my GP and my DC?

There are multiple reasons for this but the main one is that over the past year my GM's health has declined drastically, both physically and mentally. She has now has long term pneumonia and what i believe to be the early stages of dementia. Over the past 3 months or so my GM has started to be very nasty and borderline insulting, mainly to myself and my GD. She also makes sly backhanded comments to my DC about me which i don't really like or think is appropriate.

The last straw was today. I broached the subject of Christmas and whether they wanted us to visit, to come round for dinner, or a plated up dinner brought round. My GD understandably wants to remain at home but would like family to visit and either bring or help with christmas dinner. My GM on the other hand is refusing to plan anything until Christmas morning and she will decide how she feels. She has no presents or food in and does not plan to get any until atleast Christmas eve. Fair enough but It will not be her running around for stuff because she's housebound. I raised questions to this and said it's unlikely there will be any food left, especially meat. I also questioned who she expects to go running around full Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve, because she won't be looking at me for that. She went ballistic said I was clearly taking my monthly mood out on her (i was calm) and needed to see a doctor because I was mental, that i was causing her illness and that my children should know what it's like to not have a Christmas this year because they are ungrateful brats. I grabbed our stuff and left. DC1 heard this and got very upset thinking he had been too naughty to be aloud Christmas.

For context I am a lone parent with very little support or childcare options so I can't visit them on my own (they do not provide either of the above incase that gets raised). I am very close to my GD though, as are my DC and I don't want to cut contact with him, if that is possible.

Apologies for the length of the post, I just didn't want to drip feed anything. I also haven't gone into full extent of the situation to not make the post any longer so if further details are needed I'd be happy to answer any questions.

I would decide with GD whether he wants a plate brought round, when he would like you to visit, and whether he wants you to do any shopping for him. For GM, you could tell her that the cut-off time for her to do Christmas shopping is X day, so if she wants something done, she needs to ask in time for you to do it by then, or she is shit out of luck.

Then go ahead with your own preparations and plans.

You're close to your GD so if he does text messages I'd send him one and calmly explain you aren't tolerating her behaviour anymore but will either sort an online shop for them before Christmas eve or do a shop this weekend but if he doesn't provide a list and payment by X date you will be unable to do so. Also express that you love him but won't be tolerating any contact from your GM right now.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It can be so hard.

It depends on whether your children are old enough to understand that their grandmother is ill and that illness is why she behaves how she does.

If they are too young to understand that then limiting contact is entirely reasonable.

Dementia is a horrible, horrible condition. If she hasn't been diagnosed, it might be worthwhile getting it done sooner rather than later. Is there a possibility that her pneumonia is causing behavioural changes ?

@Blistory I'm not sure what is specially causing the behaviour changes, but because its linked with other things aside from the nastiness is what is swaying me more towards the dementia suspicions. She's very much in denial though and either says she hadnt even done or said anything, nothing wrong or it's us making things up and us with the attitude. She won't willingly go to the hospital or doctors for the illnesses she already has been diagnosed with until she's really bad now, so it's unlikely she will willingly engage to get a GP assessment.

I had reported her to Adult Social Care in the summer because I couldn't deal with it all but because she declined to engage in assessments saying she was fine and had "family help" they closed the case without any push. I plan to report again in the NY because she doesn't really have this family help though. I cant help, due to my own commitments and I dont really want to anymore because i need to put my children first, and the rest of the family can't deal with her mood swings and demands for much longer but I'm worried that once they speak to her it will be case closed again.