I'm not talking to my adult son

[LennyBalls]

DS20 has ADHD. Not working. For made redundant about six months ago.

A few months ago I found weed in his bedroom. This triggered me massively as my brother is schizophrenic and my entire life has revolved around this.

DS said he was depressed. Went to see a councillor and went on anti depressants.

Councillor kicked him off books because DS just didn't turn up a few times.

Fast forward to two weekends ago. I was in bed and there was a knock on the door for a mini cab driver who couldn't get my son out of the cab. Myself and my husband had to carry him indoors. He was totally passed out so called an ambulance and spent the night in a&e. Turns out he had taken ketamine and has been taking it for so long that one of his friends threatened to tell us if he didn't stop.

This is on top of adhd medication and antidepressants.

I am so hurt. He looked me in the eye on a number of occasions and told me he doesn't do drugs. I have been so naive.

It's now two weeks on and I just can't talk to him. I feel so betrayed. I know this seems childish but I am so unbelievably hurt and worried.

He hasn't been out since. My husband has laid into him (verbally) but I just can't bring myself to get over the hurt and worry.

I don't know how to move on.

Your job as a parent is to get him to stand on his own two feet. Ignoring him won’t help him achieve that. All children keep things especially about things of which they know you won’t approve. Technically he is an adult but realistically he is still a young person and clearly needs your support. Pull yourself together and find a way to help him. Help him job hunt. Work on his depression and discuss with him drug use. Good luck.

Try not to take it personally that he lied.

He has a MH issue (depression) and likely psychologically addicted to ket. He's also got ADHD which causes a lot of struggles and difficulties.
He needs understanding , help and support.

Now you know the extent of his problems you have a starting point for getting him the help he needs.

Make a clear plan and set boundaries for what is acceptable in your house or no drugs in the house, he must attend counselling or addiction group etc

I know pp on here will say he's an adult and needs to sort himself out but he is still young and has a lot of problems, people need help to help themselves.

I believe maybe a day or two to digest what has happened but please don't desert your son when he needs you.

This podcast may be of interest to you, it's an interview with a young man who overcame ketamine addiction.

https://www.theguardian.com/news/audio/2024/nov/27/the-rise-of-ketamine-addiction-in-the-uk-podcast

Lying goes with addiction & whilst he may not consider himself an addict it sounds like he is abusing substances.

May be worth you joining nar-anon. They support families. Having to manage substance abuse in a family home is a very a steep learning curve. He does need to learn to understand consequences so if you are too angry to talk to him at the moment it is fine to say that.

There are mumsnet support threads for families on the alcohol and drug forums of the talk pages.

He’s an addict, addicts lie it’s not personal

"It's now 2 weeks on....and he hasn't been out since". Sounds like he's making an effort himself good lad.

Ketamine is rife at the moment with young people .Dont take his lying personally .Hopefully you can get help with this wish you all the luck in the world (you got this)

I think refusing to speak to your son after finding out he is an addict, in addition to his other mental health issues, is probably misguided if not outright dangerous.

This. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. We had exactly the same issues with DS - same diagnosis, medications, addictions (predominantly ketamine), mood swings, chronic insomnia and general inability to cope with life or responsibility of any kind. We tried everything to support and help him, but I ended up losing my shit with him countless times as I was out of my mind with worry and he seemed incapable of meeting even the most basic expectations, and let us down time and time again.

And then I educated myself more about the terrible struggles faced by people with severe ADHD and realised how hopeless he felt - he was utterly consumed with self-loathing and the constant feeling of being a failure and a disappointment. I found a notebook where he’d made list after list of how he was going to turn over a new leaf and make everything right. It broke my heart, and I understood how much of an extra burden our anxiety, frustration and anger were putting on him.

I feel your fear and understand the terrible stress you’re under, but please don’t write him off at 20. He needs your support more than ever at this crisis point. You need to set new boundaries as far as drug use is concerned, and potentially getting his meds doses recalibrated might be helpful.

My DS turned a corner by the time he was 21 and is now a genuinely happy, productive person with a lovely girlfriend and a good job. He still has his struggles, but he has a lot of insight into his condition and a good understanding of how to manage it without resorting to drug-taking and risky behaviour.

I wish you and your son all the best and hope you’re both ok. You’re not alone.