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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I've moved out but not sure?

13 replies

summerwentaway · 20/12/2024 14:15

I split with my long term partner a month ago after over a year of relationship issues and both of us feeling unhappy. I eventually left as I felt that nothing would permanently change if we continued as normal. I've moved into my own house to rent, bought all my furniture etc. I have had to see him to deal with practical stuff and anytime we talk about the break up we both just end up in tears. I still really love him but there are a multitude of reasons I wanted to leave. I am enjoying having my own place but it's cost a lot financially and the house still isn't split and won't be for a few months. He wants us to go back to try dating and see how we get on for a few months while the house gets sorted out. We never really had a dating phase as we got together just before COVID and then ended up moving in together during lockdown.

I just don't know if this could work and help us reset? Some of my issues are related to the house and living together but he has work to do on himself too before I'd consider reconciling. He doesn't take care of himself and has treated me badly in the past. I feel that he has almost realised what he has lost and wants to do better. What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
BMW6 · 20/12/2024 14:25

Tell him to get the therapy on his issues and you'll meet up in a year to see how you both feel.

Dont see or speak to him at all in that year. Take the time to heal and get back on your feet.

Mamabear487 · 20/12/2024 19:01

I second the first comment. Me and my current partner didn’t work the first time round he needed to work on himself and I needed space and time on my own. We Split amicably. 2 years later we ended up crossing paths and getting back together we get married in September (on our 10 year anniversary!) we have 2 kids 6&2 and we rarely argue maybe once a year and our relationship is just fun and loving.

summerwentaway · 20/12/2024 21:39

I think I will find it really hard not to speak to him but I really do feel that I need space and I guess if it's meant to be we will find our way back together!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 20/12/2024 21:44

I'd distance myself to get my head straighter.
The heightened emotions from you both when you do meet, doesn't negate the problems that caused you to move out.
You could promise each other the moon on a stick while apart, but that's probably not what future reality will look like.

Pinkpurpletulips · 20/12/2024 21:48

He probably doesn't want to sell the house! You didn't enjoy living with him and he treated you badly. Why would you want to reconcile? People rarely change - yes they can sometimes but it is both rare and difficult. I think dating is to get to know somebody and, unfortunately, I think you know only too well what he's like. Get that house sold and move on.

Vaxtable · 20/12/2024 21:49

I would not make any effort to get back together. He has his chance and my bet is he won’t change

Thevelvelletes · 20/12/2024 22:13

I'd wager best behaviour for a bit then a slip back to old habits.

healthybychristmas · 20/12/2024 22:48

When you say he treated you badly, what happened?

When you say he didn't look after himself, what do you mean?

summerwentaway · 21/12/2024 07:36

healthybychristmas · 20/12/2024 22:48

When you say he treated you badly, what happened?

When you say he didn't look after himself, what do you mean?

He used to be quite critical and expected things to be done his way. Had anger issues mostly about work but would create atmosphere at home and damage things in his home office. I also felt he just never showed he really cared or loved me. I think a lot of this is due to childhood issues he needs to resolve.

I'm terms of self care, he stopped going to the gym and making an effort. Things like I'd need to ask him if he'd brushed his teeth etc to remind him and wearing the same jumper for a week etc.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 21/12/2024 09:36

Not going to the gym is fine. Not cleaning his teeth and wearing dirty clothes is not.

Nor is losing his temper and breaking things (which I assume you mean).

I suspect that no amount of therapy will "fix" him because this is who he is.

Do yourself a huge favour and stay away. If you keep distant with zero contact I guarantee you won't be in love with him on 21st December 2025. You'll wonder what on earth you saw in him and will be rather embarrassed.

SauvignonBlonk · 21/12/2024 09:45

You’ve moved out for reason OP, remind yourself. He’s probably upset that his maid has moved out.

summerwentaway · 21/12/2024 10:20

Yeah I think it is just scary at the moment but there are definitely several reasons why I have got to the stage of moving out and likely just confusing myself by giving him a chance and going on dates as that's when things would be good. But when things get difficult that's where all the problems arise.

OP posts:
Browningstown · 21/12/2024 10:33

OP, you were in a highly abusive relationship.

He was abusing you.
Have no doubt about that.
His anger and breaking things is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Do not dismiss this.
This is very serious.

Men like this never improve.
Of course he is upset that his victim and emotional punching bag has moved out.

Please, please talk to Women's aid and do not go back.
Well done for getting out.

Books like "Why does he do that?" and "Women who love too much" would be great.

Read up on The Shark cage, The boiled frog analogy.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

All of the above will help you to spot bad men and avoid them.

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