To say no to free babysitting on the birthday weekend of my first born?

[AdhdNewMama]

Earlier this year I went to the wedding of my husband's cousin and met his wife - both are young, recently graduated, and have moved to a flat in Reading - almost 2hrs drive from where we live. They both seem absolutely loved and his wife loved playing with my new baby and a few weeks after they offered to babysit so that we could both go and enjoy a lunch together - they did this on a Thursday and it was too short notice for us to take up the offer, I think we had some other plans or I was about to begin a week of KIT days or something - we said we'd reschedule and then they offered the weekend after my son turned 1.

Now ofcourse the offer is a lovely offer and it's very kind of them - we have not had a coffee date without baby since he was born let alone a meal - but I was very hesitant to do this weekend as I have just returned to work, it's the first weekend of holidays, I really really wanted to do a small get together to celebrate sons birthday where I could invite neighbours or mum's that I've had play dates with etc. also a school friend who previously invited us over is free to come over that weekend and her kids would enjoy cake / playing with toddler. My husband says there's no need to celebrate in our own home because he'll use the Xmas holidays (day after boxing day) with his family as an opportunity to double up as a birthday party for him ..that's over ten days after his actual birthday and Im not too sure they would really want to make much of an occasion for it. I would ofcourse be the one decorating someone else's house and trying to prep things before going over and making a 1.5hour car journey etc.

Also, isn't almost 4 hours of driving in one day a lot of effort to have one lunch meal on our own? Would I really enjoy it? Baby left with a couple he doesn't know in an unfamiliar setting? Husband is not exactly great company lately, he quit his job just as I reluctantly returned to work...In previous years we have had meals out where he spends a lot of time on his phone / on calls.

YABU = you've been offered free babysitting by your partner's side of the family, turning it down means you won't be offered again
YANBU = more hassle than it's worth and making a memory of a first birthday in your own home etc is more valuable.

God YANBU. It’s a kind offer from them but you’re not obliged to take it up and it sounds like quite a hassle. At that age even driving my 1yo two hours each way would have been enough reason to say no and I wouldn’t even have considered doing this. It’s a nice thing for them to want to do but you don’t have to say yes and if it were me I’d much rather do the local celebration nearer the time than squeeze it into Xmas.

You obviously don't want to do this (and I don't blame you!!) - I would just thank them and say you really appreciate the offer but you really don't want the baby spending 4 hours in a car so that you and DH can go out for lunch! Finish up with "hopefully we'll see you in the new year, have a lovely Christmas" etc and don't give them an opportunity to try and make it work. Nice of them but a bit of a bonkers offer really, just not practical.

Also doesn't sound much like you fancy a meal out with your DH (can't say I blame you here either!) but I get that's not the point of the thread.

They are offering to baby sit but at their place which is a 4 hour round trip!!
That's BONKERS!

Husband tried to make me feel guilty last night and said well he guesses he has to cancel but he only wanted to take me out to say thank you for everything id done and even wrote a poem so I said I'd try and make everyone come on Saturday to try and make it work but apparently he didn't hear this ...I literally read out the text messages I was sending to friends to him but he wasn't clear ... and this morning we had a massive row as he said he'd cancelled his cousin cus that's what I wanted and then read out the cousins long message which detailed why they couldn't do any other date and would be busy all of Jan / Feb

I got annoyed because I was trying to accommodate for him especially after he'd told me his reasons etc gone to the effort to write a poem (written by AI I assure you) but then admitted he hadn't actually written anything he was just going too....what a load of bollox, he just wanted to hang out with his cousin for a bit more likely and enjoy a meal.

Anyway better get cracking with all the prep...

I did suggest that they come to ours but they don't want to make the journey right now ...

And yet they expect you to do the drive!!! And with a small child. Like I said, bonkers!!!

I’d be wondering why they were making such a specific, time limited offer - it needs to be right now or not at all.

So apparently the wife has her mum popping round that day so I guess an extra pair of hands baby sitting?

Isn't it funny how so many mum's I know manage a good 8 maybe even 14 hours on their own with baby whilst partner is at work/ after work socialising etc but those who offer to babysit need at least 3 adults at home to manage one baby for 2 hours or more...my sister said she's happy to babysit when I have driving lessons but only if her son who attends uni is at home for the holidays so she has two additional people to help...I did chuckle a bit but fair enough.

I know the cousin has some exams in Jan so he wants to stay close to home.

"Husband is not exactly great company lately, he quit his job just as I reluctantly returned to work...In previous years we have had meals out where he spends a lot of time on his phone / on calls."

So your husband being an arsehole isn't new behaviour, but he is ramping it up. His cousin's wife's offer of babysitting is the least of your worries, your focusing on it to avoid your real problems.

Why did he quit his job?

He has been fed up in his job ever since I met him and often told him that he needed to focus on getting a new job so he could be happier. Back then there was no mortgage or kids and we weren't living together but he stuck with his job saying he doesn't want to leave anyone in the lurch but always complaining that the CEO - also a friend of his from uni - was a total unprofessional twat and wasn't treating him like a director but like an employee and then they had a big disagreement and he quit ...24hours after booking flights for our first holiday so his final day at work was before we flew out.

Wow but they expect you to make the journey with a baby unbelievable

Personally I think a small child is best looked after in their own home. It's safe, has familiar items etc. Besides that, 2hrs each way is waaay too long to make it worth your while. On top of all that, you've only just met them!
It would be a hard no from me for just one of those points.
DH being a dick is the real problem here.
Hope the party goes well

I can see why you're not keen. Who does a 4 hour round trip so someone can play babies with a baby they hardly know?