ADHD and self loathing

[Mahanii]

I have ADHD and I hate myself. I hate myself for the stupid things I do, most recent one is being disqualified from driving. I hate that I seemingly have very little control over my behaviour or emotions. I hate that my house is always a tip despite me spending a day once a week cleaning. I hate that I am only just hanging on to my sanity despite me doing all the advised self-care. I hate that my relationship with my children (who also have ADHD) depends entirely on all of our moods.
I don't know what to do, how to manage my life, how to be happy and enjoy myself again. I'm also wondering if I'm teetering on perimenopause (I'm about to turn 38) and that is making things worse.

I’m 39 adhd too and I don’t hate myself, I hate everyone and everything else instead.

You need a standard to live by but based upon you and not society.

Get in the habit of throwing things away and make storage places as multi purpose as possible without it being a dump for everything.

Perhaps have mute time with the kids. I communicate and find calm so much better with having to listen or talk.

Sound and scent overwhelm me the most though.

If you can, seek out reputable help to arrange an organisation system, or read up on approaches that work for ADHD. But more generally: if your friend used a wheelchair, would you berate them for not being able to go up stairs? No? Then don’t berate yourself for the disabilities or differences caused by your ADHD.

How did you get banned from driving?

Could you consider medication? Could you apply for work coaching through Access to Work? Sorry that you are struggling 💐

Patches for perimenopause. Could be worth a try. Also what is the NHS ADHD medication advice. Also have you got a hobby you can do for yourself.

When did you get diagnosed? I found medication really helpful at first (was in mid 40’s) and it definitely calmed me enough to learn to manage self-care and emotional regulation.
I don’t take the ADHD meds anymore but do have effective HRT.
I get what you mean about the relationship with the children. I find the same, although it is easier with DD (ASC and more predictable) than DS (ADHD) and wildly changeable.
Finding a way to accept yourself is the key, but it’s hard. Took years of counselling for me (pre-diagnosis) as well as the meds.

OP if you are hitting menopause go get your hormones tested but please be really careful about it with your ADHD and any impact that has on it, there are specific menopause clinics so see if you can be referred to one.

ADHD is so tricky at times in terms of the relationships with teens who have it. When everyone is sleeping well and rested, it's a lot better. So honestly I'd be focusing on that aspect for all of you.

And I'll just say this, I have worked in tech for 30 years, I have an ADHD DD15 and most of the software and research would not have been accomplished without ND people.

Not sure if you take medication but we have had a lot of success with Elvanse, it's one you can take daily but not every day if you don't want to.

I'm so sorry you are having a bad time right now.

The driving ban is for totting up, I escaped a ban the first time by claiming hardship (children were younger) so this time I couldn't claim hardship. It's fair enough tbh, I don't feel I'm a great driver and prefer to use public transport.

Work is strangely the only place I feel successful so haven't needed a work coach. Work are supportive as well so I've got adjustments in place.

I was diagnosed 3 months ago so it's taking me a while to come to terms with it and I'm not able to access medication yet because I initially said no and now there's a waitlist. I'm also not sure I want to - I'm very skinny with a poor appetite and poor sleep and from what I've read, medication can make these things worse?

What I'd like to do is a) go part time but can't afford it and work don't want me to anyway b) get a cleaner but can't afford it c) get my kids to do more round the house (single parent) but any system I put in place is immediately forgotten and disregarded by all of us.

My kids are so good. I feel like I'm a terrible example to them.

@Mahanii I see my friend managed to overturn one but as you say you have already used hardship.

@2025istheyear did she overturn it using an ADHD diagnosis? Or hardship?

You’re in a hard phase - after the diagnosis I found some of my best coping mechanisms didn’t work any more, and the more I was unmasked the more I fell apart.

Meno is rough for us. I haven’t sorted adhd meds but hrt meds are so important. Look into that.

The more you can lean into your neurodivergence the better. We have a ND household (poor dh) with different rhythms and expectations. Dana White (a slob comes clean) got my house under control because she really gets brains like ours.

You’re right about your med concerns - that’s why they titrate carefully and there are different drugs that do different things. Sometimes a combination is needed. It’s highly individualised. Just let the psychiatrist know those concerns.