To ask,at what point did you know it was definitely time to LTB?

[Slighlyoff2024]

I have threatened to LTB a few times in the past and gone as far as solicitors/mortgage advice for a divorce from DH. This particular time ended in marriage counselling and we got through it.
But unfortunately since then, any conflict we have now I immediately go straight back to that baseline of LTB/divorce

I don't know why my mind goes that far over any level of conflict so now I don't trust my judgement on minor or serious issues. I literally plan it out in my head, I have rationalised it that my brain does that to keep me calm and know that everything will be okay regardless of what happens...DH has a tendency to wallow and sulk for days, sometimes weeks of complete stonewalling after an argument, which was never my style, but I have adapted to this and lean into the silence and this is where my head takes me to. I start decorating my house in my head, or moving elsewhere and imagining what it would look like, getting DC a much wanted dog that we cant have now as DH is allergic. Like I literally plan it all,and then eventually we talk and sort it out.

So my question is, when did YOU know you needed to LTB and actually done it because I don't trust myself anymore

When I realised that my partner is not on my team. What I mean by that is almost every bad situation in a relationship can be sorted through effective communication and two people genuinely wanting to make the relationship better. This is a team effort. If one person disconnects and just happy to plod along as if nothing is happening and avoids taking action as a team, they are no longer my teammate. I don't mean an occasional evening of spending time apart and barely talking because one of you is in a huff. It's more a general pattern of avoidance and neglect.
Aside from that, any form of abuse and disrespect is a obviously a hard line. But that doesn't seem what you mean.

Sorry I’m not really sure how to vote there but it sounds awful and it sounds like the counselling hasn’t helped in the long-term. I know from my experience with my mum that a woman won’t leave till she is ready and it really doesn’t matter what anyone else says or how obvious it is to anyone else that she should. I just know from my own experience as the child desperately wishing my mum would call time on the marriage, I wish she had thought of us children more and how horribly damaging it was to drag a bad marriage on and on and on. In the circumstances you describe, with your H sulking and stonewalling for weeks, I fail to see how it could not be negatively affecting your children, even if you think it is all hidden from them.

The fact that you have it all planned out in your mind and have worked through all the scenarios to get to a point of knowing how it might look and that you would actually cope and be fine is probably a positive thing and could indicate that you are quite far along towards being mentally ready to make the break.

If you are having trouble taking that last final step, I would say, do it for your kids xx

I knew when I couldn't bare to be in the same room as him. He scared me. He would call me vile names for doing normal things round the house like cooking and cleaning. He physically repulsed me too with an enormous beer belly and skinny arms and legs. Also when he completely and utterly stopped engaging with the children unless he was drunk. But even then it would be for 15 mins out of the whole day. He clearly didn't love me anymore and didn't add anything at all to my life that was the slightest bit positive.

I would have left before it got to the bitter end but a pandemic and lockdown made it impossible.

When I realised the only thing I would miss would be my garden.

It was more of a snapping moment for me. Or a series of snapping moments.

One day, he said that I wasn't trying hard enough and that, if he had somewhere else to you, he'd be gone. The years of abuse just washed over me, and I actually heard something snap inside me. All I could think was, well that's it then. It's done.

Took a lot of counselling and I breakdown before it actually finished, but that was the moment.

When I realised he cheated. Literally in that moment I realised we were not a team, not a partnership, not really in a marriage and he was not the man I thought. I got a lawyer and divorced him after 25 years.

I should have done it when pregnant me was layed up in bed with hyperemesis gravidarum and I heard him bring a woman in to the house late at night.
Four weeks later he had me by the throat up against the bedroom wall (I finally left). Was not violent towards me till I got pregnant (via ivf).
Trust your gut.

I think it started when other people started to point out/notice how difficult he was to live with and express that they would support me if I was to leave him that I started to think it was possible, but was still not quite there to make the final jump.

I know the last straw was one day when I had an upset stomach and was trying to fend DS1 who was a young toddler away from the toilet where I was throwing up. XP arrived home and I felt relief that he would help, but he didn't, he stomped up the stairs and said something like "Oh great, you've got yourself ill and you're gonna get him ill as well!" and snatched DS away while tutting as though I was a massive inconvenience and a liability.

I think it just snapped something in my head, the last string of hope that he cared, I suppose? I realised if he didn't feel compassion for me when I was obviously suffering then he was never going to show compassion on an ordinary day and I thought screw this, I'm done.

Anyway that was 15 years ago and it was the best decision I've ever made!

When he was vile to our daughter and I was too far conditioned to advocate for her. Decided I was done there and then.

When I realised I could never sleep with him ever again.

when I realised the question was not about him changing but did I want to be with him.

He left me stranded outside a movie theatre with no coat Not a big cinema plex just a single historical theatre and when it emptied out it really emptied out! I had a phone but no purse keys or coat He took these items along with our kids and left me. There was ONE remaining car and it amazingly belonged to my friend and her husband who drove me to their house and gave me a good talking to and made me realize i was done

Do you mind elaborating a bit if you're comfortable to do so

I too feel conditioned

When he told me the only reason he was staying in the marriage was because financially it was the best option for him. The honesty of this statement suddenly made his behaviour and attitude towards me in previous years crystal clear and I couldn’t make myself excuses for it anymore.

He had a massive and unnecessary go at her about a situation that she had no control over. His reaction was totally over the top. I just sat there and let him do it, because I knew from bitter experience there was no point trying to reason with him.

Then I realised he'd conditioned me into not doing anything whilst he bullied a three year old. So I made plans to leave as soon as I could, and now my daughter and I live in peace.

Lots of reasons. I was supporting him in all areas of his life - financially, housework, emotionally etc. and he was gradually being more dismissive and patronising and sometimes downright rude towards me as time went on. I found myself going from being a confident happy woman to quiet and trying to please him.

I could have gone on like that for years, but then I had a baby and that was it. There was no way I was going to waste time, money and energy on that overgrown human mollusc and have my child see him treating me like dirt.

So I left (with the baby)!