How would you handle dd13 constantly causing a scene

[Cindybeale]

And arguing on days out.
mum not completely innocent but it gets hard to a point she is being down right argumentative says nasty things gets sarky will talk down to me and say stuff about me then if I try and out In a consequence she will make it so horrible. It's got to a point I dread days out and im
so embarrassed she is always sorry after
but I just don't see other teenagers doing this

Is stopping taking her an option?

Leaver her at home, going out is a treat, for well behaved children

Does she even want to go on days out? Are they to places she wants & has asked to go to?

Does she only do it on days out?

Unless your child has autism in which case most days out are torture, not a treat.

Mine is younger and autistic but we have some of this particularly when it is with visitors and it is a change of routine. I tend to ignore a lot of the behaviours I don't like, a bit of distraction if possible and try to leave open a way for him to come around. My DP tends to try to reason with him more but it is more in a I am explaining why you are wrong and it doesn't work - he thinks I am lax at parenting. I think I am better off discussing it later when DC is calmer and finding out what the issue is. What does your DD say about it? Can you ask her in a non judgemental way and see if you can find out what is the cause and therefore be better equipped to find a solution?

Autistic kids here too.

Similar approach.

Try to only do a little of what they can manage. Lower your expectations. This is quite hard to do.

Throw in a hug or two, (deep pressure) if they accept it.

Tell them to be careful of their language around little kids.

Negotiate which activities they want to do.

Remember it is a reasonably normal phase. Try not to take it personally. Their brain is rewiring. They have big emotions, raging hormones, growth spurts and are not yet adults (until about age 25)

Rhino hide.

She has adhd and can be argumentative. I stupidly got entwined in this and it escalated.
mum a single mum and I need to go out too it's not every time but she does need prep to be good
she wanted to be on her phone I think

Caffeine. Or meds.

Thanks for this I needed that reminder
when I calmed and realised I had to be the one to calm it i did try cuddle assuring words (which is against what I think vesuee she had need naughty bit of I don't it wil ruin rest of day) after an hour of this and everntuwllh allowing a lotgle
cudlle she did allow me

And forgive yourself. We all handle it wrong on occasions as they do push your buttons. (Smash them repeatedly) Reflect and learn.
Remember a lot of it is due to.her disability...(Easier said than done in the moment)

She needs to start facing consequences for her behaviour. What are you doing to address that?

Don't argue with her. Stern look whilst you are out. Once home calmly tell her what the consequences are. Don't rise to any of the disrespectful behaviour at home, just stay calm and firm in the consequences.

They have big emotions

Oh seriously this phrase 🤢

Talking it through after is most effective for mine. Reflecting on how people around them feel. Much tougher on them than punishments as they make you the bad guy and don't usually work with Nd kids.

My son could be like this when he was out he would always apologise. Now he's older he's explained that he was anxious and stressed when in certain places.

I'm confused, who is going out? Your mum and you and your DD age 13? Anyone else. Just trying to clarify but sorry if I missed it

Hmm my partner has autism so I get what you mean. It is better to leave him home most times.

Give her plenty of prep time, limit days out to half days, involve her in the planning of it- even if it is a shopping trip so it is agreed in advance which shops, what items are needed, and a time limit where you will be home by even if items not found.

If it’s meant to be a fun day out, let her choose some of it. Like lunch choice, or what order to do things in.

Find out too what stresses her when she goes out. ADHD can have overlap with autism on some sensory things like going to very busy place can be overwhelming overstimulation.

Have an agreed on way for her to tell you when it’s getting to be too much and you would agree to start immediately wrapping up the day out and head home sooner than planned.

She sounds overwhelmed and even NT kids at that age can feel very insecure and overwhelmed.

Mum needs to work on not fuelling the fire.

Is there a pattern of when this is happening the most?

My DD had awful anxiety/low self esteem and going out was a nightmare because she was so self conscious at that age.

I realised that she struggled more when there were lots of people, especially ones she may know.

So I would tell her the day before we were going out and then wake her up and give her plenty of time to get ready.
I would also avoid taking her places with lots of people we might know and instead went shopping etc alone and took her further away for a long walk to get some fresh air and exercise.

I also let my DD go on her phone and wear headphones with music if that’s what she wants.

It’s like a distraction technique and they cope better when they have their phone to focus on or music to drown out everything else.

Mum needs to pick her battles and you need to stay in the middle/not get involved.

Loop earplugs really help reduce the overwhelm which helps to keep them calmer.

This is a very ignorant response.....often kids especially neurodivergent ones get overwhelmed by certain environments if they feel anxious due to being out of their comfort zone etc, and it may come out in their behaviour or general mood.Which i get is frustrating and challenging at times but It's not fair to punish her by never letting her go out!
Although if there are particular environments which seem to trigger difficulties, then perhaps they are best avoided.