To ask how you deal with caring for loads of people when no one remembers to give a shit about you

[HealthRobinsonCrusoe]

I know this is a very common experience for women in midlife and suck it up etc
And it's not like my people are being mean on purpose
They just don't think
If they are sick or anxious or stressed or scared I take time to talk about it with them and try to help.
When it's my turn - the conversation just moves on. Nobody considers I might not be feeling great.

Fed up. But then that's life isn't it. I could stop making an effort for others but isn't that what human connection is all about?

They are wrapped up in their own problems and happy to discuss them with you. In turn you need to speak up when you need help or just to be listened to. If the conversation moves on, bring it right on back.

Tell them to look up the word 'sonder'.

Well what usually happens is they tell me stuff and we spend a long time talking about it
I tell them stuff, comparatively rarely because I do find it hard to share but when I do it's clear and candid and to people I trust, it's oh well everyone has that/oh these things seem to happen to you a lot don't they (no?!)/oh this reminds me of something that happened to me

I wonder if I disappeared if anyone would miss me or they'd just find someone else to replace me because I'm not really a person to them

I've learned to only lean in to people who are actually genuinely nice to me, rather than people I realised I was trying to "keep on good terms with" or weirdly "impress".

It really gets you to focus in on who is worth time and effort. In that way I've cut right back on the womanswork of Christmas and feel much less put upon as a result.

IMO gov needs to sort social care, because every woman I know is at breaking point because they are holding it all together for more than 1 extra person who isn't supported properly by the state.

Sonder is a good word - bet they'd stop at the self catering company tho 🤣

I often feel like this, and ask myself similar questions about connection and reciprocity. I find it helps to redirect my efforts into looking after myself, at least a good portion of the time. That might not always be possible for everyone, depending on the circumstances - as a lone parent it wasn't possible for me for many years. My absence seems to help my family remember that I am an actual person, that my presence is optional. And I am less resentful when I return.

Ask for help and support? Human connection isn’t just an about making an effort for others- that’s a one way connection and can lead to burnout. The best connections are reciprocal. Middle age is a great time to reappraise and reinvent. So maybe take stock of what it is you want and need and prioritise yourself when you can. (Having just come out of a long period of being in several caring roles I’m finding it fun to do what I want for a while- my friendships are thriving!)

Yes caring stuff is getting bad. And they wonder why the country is underperforming.

Maybe that's right. I intuit when people need it but I don't think most people do.

Also, in all honesty, I've got some secret life stuff I've been carrying around for a decade and have no desire to share it with anyone so maybe I need to be grateful for the privacy counter to being a bit on my own

I hear you op, i really do

I often feel the same OP. It sometimes really gets me down, especially if I do try to convey that I am struggling.

Is there something you would like to share with us - maybe we can help as fellow fixers?

The word Sonder, which I have just looked up, is bothering me, linguistically, but that’s an aside. It has an interesting meaning.

There's so much about life I find a drag and what helps me is to think about why it's important. If it's not, then it goes lower down on the list.

I also am getting at putting my rest, health and preparedness at the top of the list. E.g the dishwasher does not come before my activity, grooming etc.

Really caring for others means giving a part of yourself and you can't do it for many so choose who wisely.

I had cancer this year.

Massive wake up call about people in my life. Even family.

It's incredibly painful.

I am pretty confident that if I didn't contact anyone at all, the only people who would keep trying to reach me would be my parents, my siblings, my son and I think my husband.
Everyone else might have a fleeting moment where they remember me in a nostalgic conversation and comment "wonder what she's upto these days?" and then move on.

I'm really sorry. People can be such massive disappointments.