Upset DM forgot DD's birthday... Perspective needed

[wurlycurly]

Just got off the phone to my mum. She has just come back from holiday. She's been back a week. I gently asked if she had sent a card for DD who turned 16 when she was away. She said she hadn't... That she hadn't forgotten but hadn't got round to it and hoped she wouldn't mind. No thought of sending a belated card or even just a message. And obviously no present. I'm just so sad, and a bit angry, that she didn't bother and continues to not bother.
AIBU to feel like this?

You know your mother - is she usually like this? Sounds like she maybe is, and if so, hopefully your DD is used to her somewhat laissez faire attitude? Sorry you are upset - I hope none of you make a fuss of her birthday.

Thank you... Yes she is generally like this. Dad was the one who did all this when he was alive. I shouldn't let myself get so wound up by it

No, you’re not being at all unreasonable. You’re feeling the sting not only for yourself, but also your DD. It’s hurtful that she can’t put herself to send a text to this lovely little human you’ve made.

I think the best way to deal with it is to get into the mindset that it’s not a reflection on your DD. It’s only a reflection of your mum and what a rubbish grandmother she is. And let’s remember that you reap what you sow. If she’s decided that she’s not celebrating other people’s birthdays anymore, then that’s something less for you all to worry about.

I would imagine she’ll bring it round, with a gift, next time she comes over ..

My in laws are like this. They’re nice people so I just don’t understand it. It was my son’s 12th birthday recently and I emailed and pleasantly asked if they wanted me to sort a present for him or if they’d sent something and they said “oh we didn’t know where you would be so we thought we could give him something next time we see you” which will be on the 28 December, two weeks after his birthday!
They knew the date we were travelling and I can’t understand the mindset of thinking “we’re not sure if you’ll be at home or heading over to the U.K. so to make sure the card doesn’t go to the wrong place we just won’t send one so he definitely won’t get one”

They transferred some money (after I reminded them) but it’s so unthoughtful of them.

My other son’s card arrived this year with £20 in it. Nice - apart from the fact that we live in Aus so it’s totally useless to him. The year before his card arrived 6 weeks after his birthday.

I hate it - it makes me think so poorly of them and has made me pull right back from contact with them even though I’m not a “cutting off” type of person at all.

My dad is going through treatment for cancer at the moment and apparently my MIL is always lighting candles for him and messaging but they haven’t said a single thing to me about it.

DH says it comes from a place of not wanting to do the wrong thing but it’s amazing how they 100% DO the wrong thing every time.

Anyway, sorry about that rant.

I can’t be doing with grandparents forgetting grandchildren’s birthdays, but when they do then not doing anything,

I am petty enough to do the same to them when it’s their birthday

Thanks for the replies. It does actually help to hear similar stories. There are lots of people out there like this but I don't know them. I would love my mum to dote on my DD. She's the last remaining grandparent and I know my grief is mixed up in this!

Think you're feelings are totally valid. I'd be really upset by this!

*your!

I'm sorry I can't get upset about something like this. It's just not worth it to me. You can't make her into the person you want her to be...

I always used to get upset if someone forgot my birthday or gave me a card / present late, and particularly think cards are meaningless if they arrive late. But over the years I've come to realise that not everyone feels the same way, and birthdays aren't important to some people. Now that my daughter is a strict Muslim, she doesn't celebrate birthdays and it seems strange thst she no longer wishes me happy birthday, and doesn't want to accept birthday presents any more. The only time in recent years thst I've been upset that someone close has forgotten my birthday was the first year my mum forgot - she had always made such a fuss of me on my birthday, and this was a sign thst her dementia had worsened dramatically.

Does she expect presents from you on her birthday?

That's an interesting one. I've never forgotten her birthday. She doesn't expect a fuss or a fanfare. And I really don't mind if she forgets my birthday. But there was something about the way she said "I did remember but I didn't send anything". I feel bad for my daughter.

It's also interesting that nearly a third of people in the poll think I am unreasonable but that's not reflected in the comments 🙃

One of my grandmothers was like this. She had 7 grandchildren and a step grandchild (we cousins make no distinction at all, but she did). Some grandchildren were favoured and were always sent birthday cards and a present or money. Some were always ignored and got nothing, and the in between ones would get a card and sometimes a smaller present, so I would get a card and £5, my sister would get a card and sometimes £2, and my brother never got a card. Mum used to even it up, but she shouldn't have had to.

You be hurt for your kids. My mam is tight kids get nothing. She was 19 this month. It stings. Mil is the opposite kind

She is who she is.
Advise your DD that DM is scatty (or whatever term you choose) so that she knows it isn't just her.
Then just let it go, and match DM's energy. As it, not bother about her birthday going forward.

I don’t get worked up about this kind of thing. It can be hurtful but just brush it off. X

Same here before my lovely Mum disappeared into the awful disease that is dementia she never forgot a birthday or Xmas for anyone but then suddenly didn’t remember them at all.

My FIL is the same with my son and his other grandchildren. He's hit and miss. My son is used to it, and we don't try and cover up for my FIL. Yes, it's annoying and thoughtless, but if this behaviour is the norm for your Mum, then it's not different to any other year. I assume your daughter knows it's nothing personal and it's just how her Grandmother is?

Your not been unreasonable. My daughters grandfather didn't send her Christmas money until February this year. He was in hospital in November but was back up and home December. This said he might be late with her birthday money but it's OK because it's just another day. He wonders why his son is low contact and I'm no contact

That's really sad for your daughter. Let her know that it's not her!
I would return the favour - oh yes we remembered your birthday but thought you wouldn't want anything as that's how you do birthdays.

I think some vote before reading the OP. YANBU! It's sad. But I would not say anything on her birthday either. For me I expect (and want) nothing. For my children though, It's different and I would treat her as she treats them.