To ask why I react like this to my toddler? Feel so shit

[Hhhhhq]

I don’t express this to her but in my head if she’s having a tantrum or being difficult, I am screaming various thoughts like… leave me alone, I hate this, I can’t cope, I don’t want to do this anymore etc

i do my best to not show it to her or her angry with her but I still don’t like that I have these thoughts and these feelings, why do I have them? Why does it trigger me to much to have her resist just basic things that toddlers do?

It can be something really minor like won’t put her socks on and I will hear in my head my mum complaining like she used to do around me audibly if I wasn’t doing what she wanted. I actually hear the words and it’s as if I feel it too towards dd

There’s your answer.

It triggers a memory of how you were treated at that age, and it’s not nice. Having the thought is normal, taking a deep breath and responding differently is what breaks the cycles.

Because your window of tolerance is narrow and when your toddler has a tantrum it triggers your nervous system to have a fight / flight response, as you can't do either in that situation you are now in conflict with your natural response and have no way of expressing it. This cycle perpetuates as your nervous system is optimised for safety not for happiness.

You need to explore how you can regulate yourself to expand your nervous system resilience. Google the vagus nerve, that's a good starting point 😊

Ps none of this is your fault it's just a natural reaction.

I was going to say that you're triggered because your mum over reacted or wouldn't tolerate similar behaviour from you when you were young. Then I read your second post.

Remember this behaviour isn't personal, it's just a normal toddler and you are not your mum.

Read this book: 'The book you wish your parents had read' by Phillipa Perry - it will be quite helpful..

It’s guilt inducing claptrap.

Op to be honest I don’t know a parent who hasn’t inwardly sworn, or answered unkindly in their head. It’s keeping it in your head that’s the trick. My four year old just had a massive meltdown at bedtime (unusual tbf) I stayed calm, did the right things, didn’t stop me thinking ‘oh stfu you spoilt brat!’ (He isn’t but I was tired and grouchy.)

Its fine.

Don’t beat yourself up too much about this. As posters above said - this is triggering a previous event.
Toddlers can be such hard work and sometimes (quite often) you cannot be all sunny and light.
Could you discuss it with your mum? Maybe it could help you to understand it so you can put it in the past and reframe things with your DD.

Christ I think these things about my 6 year old autistic ds...doesn't mean I don't love him. Chill out your only human

It is your shark music. Have a watch of this:

Hopefully it worked. If not, Google 'shark music circles of security' and watch the YouTube video.

Thank you. I feel awful. I honestly am raging in my head thinking fucking shut up. And I adore her, she’s amazing. I shouldn’t even be thinking that

This.

It's completely normal and natural, because most people have memories (some unconscious) of parents reacting negatively to us as children and that's internalised, so we replay it automatically when we become parents.

There's a good book called Parenting from the Inside Out which explains this and has exercises to help you identify such triggers and change your responses, or, if they can't be got rid of altogether, just acknowledging them and breathing like you're already doing is a great start as it stops the cycle repeating.

@Hhhhhq
Please don't beat yourself up.
Your reaction is absolutely normal - your DD is lovely, but her behaviour at that time definitely is not, and is actually rage inducing.

My early life was the same and I can be the same, I hate it and wish I could think/feel differently when it happens. I try my best and I also see a therapist weekly. I think everyone feels that way sometimes.

I come from a very dysfunctional family so I carried a lot of guilt about feeling anything negative about my Dd’s behaviours. I was terrified to be my mum (total asshole that woman). However Dh sat me down and said “it’s shit, no-one in their right mind would actually enjoy this, the tantrums, the sleepless nights, it’s fucking awful” he said it with a big grin on his face. He was right, you can love your child soooo much whilst also being intensely frustrated and annoyed by them, it’s completely normal. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person or a bad parent.

What she is doing is totally normal (she’s little, I always tried to remember that she was learning about a whole world, whilst also trying to figure out how to get her shoes on, it’s a lot). What you are feeling is totally normal (I used to feel utterly bored to tears a lot). As long as you are yelling and muttering in your head and not out loud you are good.

Because you're a human??

The differentiator is how you react to it

Patience of a saint you need

Babies and toddlers communicate their emotions not with words to tell you how they feel - but by projection - making you feel what they feel.

If you feel rage and despair when engaging with your toddler it may well be that you are feeling what she/he is feeling.

The difference is that you are an adult and you can think about these feelings and talk to yourself about them in your head rather than just acting them out in him/her.

I don't think you need to feel bad for feeling what you feel. You would only need to feel bad if you started actually behaving hatefully towards a small child. Which you don't.

This is exactly why you react the way you do - because you grew up unable to express your feelings and be validated by your parent, and it has left you feeling panicky and anxious when your daughter behaves in that way, because you have been conditioned to view it as unacceptable.

I really recommend Philippa Perry’s excellent book ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read’ - it’s so good for addressing this exact situation and she’s so kind and non-judgmental.

Yoire a good mum. Breaking cycles is hard ♥️

OP I could have written what you have just written, word for word.

I’ve just got a copy of Toxic Childhood Stress: The Legagy of Childhood Trauma and How to Heal by Dr Nadine Burke Harris. I haven’t started it yet but it has come well recommended.

I felt like this, absolute fury and a few times I let it show. DD is 25 YO, but I am still burning with regret over those outbursts. In my defence, I was young and had literally nobody to turn to, not even Mumsnet at the time. Just find a way to keep it bottled, it’s OK to feel this way and it will get better.