Living or surviving?

[Spookyspookie]

I am a single Mum to two children from two different Dads (I was married to them both for 7 / 5 years if that makes a difference?).

I always had a good relationship with my first ex which has dwindled in recent years, my second ex & I have never got on since divorce, he’s a piece of work!

Both kids have slowly ended up spending most of / all of their time with me as they don’t get on with their Dads.

I work full time in a reasonably stressful job & have two kids almost full time (one is nearly an adult) with little to no financial support.

I feel like I’m surviving and not living whilst the waste of space Dads are living their best lives with their respective partners.

Anyone else similar?

My DDs dad has never been around so I feel you on the surviving part. It’s tough but it won’t be forever.

When your kids grow up they will know who was there for them

Yes, same here. It's exhausting.
But could you really be the other parent? Would you find true fulfillment and happiness from the things their dads do, knowing you've let your kids down and someone else is raising them? I know which parent I'd rather be x

If multiple people in my extended family are anything to go by, when your kids become adults you'll have a strong family and your ex's will probably have realised too late what was important and never recover those relationships.

I do get what you mean. I'm a very single parent to DS, have caring responsibilities, and a full time job. Life has recently stopped being so 'surviving-y' but it took a long time (and basically winning the lottery when it came to a flexible job). When I get grumpy I up my pension contribution and remind myself I'm going to be the best travelled, vibrant-colour-wearing, inappropriate-joke-making retiree the world has ever seen.

I just feel like I’m working a full time job, doing 2 X lots of parenting because their Dads are incapable / unwilling & in 10 plus years, I’ll feel the benefit!

FML, life at the moment is shit!

Yeah, much as I’m okay I’m nowhere near as okay as if I’ve never met the man I had children with.
If I could do it all I’d do it differently. All we can do is try and stop our children from making the same mistakes and look for pleasure and happiness wherever we can find it.
The one thing that makes me feel slightly okay about the whole situation is that the kids are fabulous. I actually wouldn’t change a hair on their heads so I suppose on that basis I can’t rewrite history.

I hear you. The government needs to crack down on non-resident parents and make them contribute more financially to take some of the pressure off the parent left holding the baby. The onus should be on a parent to pay for their child in the same way you have to tax or insure your car. We don't make garages chase car owners to keep their cars in reasonable condition so why should mothers have to chase fathers for financial contributions?

There's nothing to be done though. They're shit dads with no relationship with their children. Is that your idea of a 'best life'?

If your kids are nearly grown start planning your next life, whether that's retraining for a great career or creating great social networks or finding new hobbies.

@50shadesofnay totally agree, I have no beef (not much) with my first ex but m my youngest’s Dad earns a 6 figure salary as a self employed contractor and pays me just over £200 a month maintenance.

I am literally holding the baby, all financial responsibility and am fucked!

I recon I can start planning for 10 plus years time when they’ve flown the coop, am I expected to put up with everything for 10 years & have nothing else?

I mis-read your message and originally thought that both your children lived with their dads. “Oh god - poor poster - that must be awful to barely see your kids.” I thought.

Then I re-read and felt so relieved for you!

That’s the thing - what you have is rubbish and annoying and completely unfair but it could be so much worse!

I’m on my fucking knees, my second ex hasn’t seen his DD in 27 days because of schedule changes.

I feel like it’s akin to “your reward will be in Heaven” which I heard too much as a child!

It’s utterly frustrating. My oldest 2 dad left as he decided life with 2 young children was boring and he was able to move away and have no contact, work full time with a very good salary and get away with non payment of maintenance and have numerous women who initially think he’s hid gift. Still thousands of arrears that he’s getting away with paying £100 a month (despite being higher tax payer)

Until society acknowledges that allowing non payment or low payment is financial abuse and must not be tolerated things won’t change.

There’s been times i’ve felt so low when i was a young single mum trying to work, study and look after my children 1 who had a few health issues as a child so i was forever calling into work to look after him and take to hospital appointments. But I have the best relationship with them and have been able to move on with new partner, another younger child and buy a family home to hopefully be their inheritance and security. It still hurts looking back on the hurt me and my children went through but i wouldn’t change things as do love my little family life now and they are not scarred they are both happy and on track for good careers and good friendship groups.

I have a great relationship with both my kids which I’m thoroughly grateful for (one of whom has significant health issues) but whilst I’m in the coal face & both Dads are nowhere to be seen, life feels fucking tough!!