To stop work?

[Overwhelmed123]

My DC has SEN (physical disabilities) and can only cope with school till 2.
After school needs help processing emotions, doing his physiotherapy and catch up with what he misses at school - but is better able to cope with doing these at home with parental nurture / less hubbub than in school.

I work while he's at school so we leave the house and arrive back at the same time.

I'm finding it overwhelming and wondering whether to quit.

I've got the housework "down" I think...cook before we leave, laundry overnight and put in the dryer before we leave, everything else in 10 mins bursts in the afternoon or outsourced....or just on the "one day will get to it" pile.

But I feel like I'm working 2 jobs and doing neither to my full potential and have no time to decompress

On the other hand isn't this what most people do...AFC till 5/6, get the kids, dinner, homework, bath, bed...I feel like I need more resilience?

DH is main breadwinner and doesn't get home till 7, my income helps in the sense we don't have to think but isn't essential we have a lot saved up and his can cover what we need

Any chance you can drop a day at work. It will just give you time to get things done or have a bit of time for yourself?

They said no last time I asked but I could again especially if the alternative is that I don't work at all

I think you should ask to go part time. I honestly found it a thankless task not working, yet full time blew my mind (one child with SEN). Part time is a happy medium, still feel like ‘me’, get to use my brain and still have the security of a good career.

Be kind to yourself, it’s tough!

That's probably the best bet, but I'm already part time to finish by 2, and they said they didn't want me to drop my hours. I could ask again though as if the alternative is I don't work at all they may reconsider

Look honestly we see it all the time on here, woman gives up work then gets shafted longer term by husband who wants a divorce but the woman at that point has no skills and can't earn enough to run a house independently.

How old is your DC? I have a SEN DD15 and as they mature their ability to cope increases (although larger class sizes = decompression needed which is why I put her in a school which is smaller, more nurturing and small class sizes)

Can your DH pull his weight more? Sounds like you are doing everything. But no I wouldn't not give up work.

On the other hand isn't this what most people do...AFC till 5/6, get the kids, dinner, homework, bath, bed...I feel like I need more resilience?

You need to consider how tiring it is helping your child coregulate after school. It’s not the same as working til 5 and starting on dinner, housework etc. I know I can find it exhausting helping my two stay on an even keel emotionally and worked part time for a long time. In some ways it gets easier as they get older but in other ways they need you more especially if they have social and emotional difficulties.

In saying that I’d also be wary of taking myself out of the job market completely given the very high divorce rate in families where kids have additional needs. Can your DH pick up the evening routine to give you some head space, even if that’s taking a book to your bedroom for an hour?

If you enjoy your job, try and reduce your hours so it's manageable coupled with the demands if home. I wish you well whatever you decide.

If I had a partner who could provide and I could give up work I would do it in a heart beat!

Really feel for you @Overwhelmed123 .
not everyone has zero practical help from husband (although I totally appreciate massive value of main financial contribution from him) plus you are dealing with needs of your child to such an extent after a full on job in the morning. It’s very stressful rushing out of work to collect at 2pm too and it’s easy to feel like you’re not doing either job particularly well. I also totally understand people saying you’re putting your career on hold and could be financially vulnerable one day.
I reckon therefore it boils down to how much you really like your job and the self worth it gives you. IF you really like what you’re doing there and it gives you a distraction - and makes you feel good about yourself then find a way to make it work. This could be having more help around the house whilst you’re there in the afternoons - or a cleaner every morning. A mothers help type person just to pick up the slack with you - I’ve had this at particularly stressful times and it’s so helpful.
Alternatively, if your job itself causes you stress, or you could pick it up in a different form in a different place in 6 month‘s time, then I would give it up for now. You will find those mornings so great and will feel better being on top of your life and probably everything will just feel calmer.
I wish you luck in your decision but please make it based on how you feel about your actual work and how it makes you feel otherwise rather than ending up feeling happy and content at home with more time for DC you could feel bitter and resentful or low. X

He does already the minute he steps through the door 🙈

He's only 4 and quite unique needs so I don't have a feel for whether it'll ease in a year or ten...

As someone who hasn't been shafted by quitting work and now has adult children you need to go into this with your eyes open. This comes down to access to money, attitudes to spending money, how your Dh would view your non-financial contribution, paying into a pension for you, how easy it would be to return to work at a later date should you want/need to. The good thing is you are married.

What I will say is that being a sahm worked for us and I didn't have children with SEN but did volunteer in a primary for almost 15 years and have seen how much school can overwhelm children, especially those with SEN. You could potentially see how it goes for 6 or 12 months and revisit the working situation.

In all honesty it was the best thing I ever did, the downside it can be very lonely, most other people are working in the day time. The responsibility for the house becomes almost entirely yours because you have time during the school day and hopefully you are an organised and disciplined sort of person to keep on top of it all. Dh loved not having to do domestic labour, I mean who wouldn't, but he was hands on with the children. They were his priority at home plus he loves cooking so I did all weekdays and he did weekend lunches and dinners.

Thank you so much for this perspective

DH would view my non financial contribution fine and has already said he'd set up a pension for me and all money would be in our joint names, but I find it really hard contemplating not bringing home a wage...and it's very much something I need to work on.

I'm driven and organised enough to stay on top of the housework and thankfully DH and DC actually prefer simple meals and DH loves cooking... so any pressure to cook actually comes from myself 🙈

I think my only worry would be returning to work if I needed to. If in the next 6-12 months I think it would be fairly easy to find something even part time as there is a shortage in the field . In the next 1-5 years eyebrows may be raised at the gap in knowledge especially if I also want to go back part time but I could probably get something. 5+ years - I don't think people would have confidence in my skills by then to but not too sure.

@Overwhelmed123 the job thing you could you volunteer in future to brush up your skills or retrain in something else? As I said you can assess in a year or whatever time frame you set yourself.

For me I knew there was a good chance I would never work again (disability) so this was slightly easier. It was a hard adjustment not to earn money but be expected to spend money on myself. Spending on the children was easy but it was difficult overcoming my own barriers to spending "family" money.

It is a leap of faith but I think for you the benefit for your child first and foremost and then your home life might be worth it.

over the years you meet people with special needs people in their lives.

The most balanced ones I met were whee they had a job that had nothing to do with Special Needs - adults or children or wheelchair users, it was a job they did which they thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed, but most of the time it was either part time hours or “anti social hours”

The ones that stayed at home, got bored because they miss the company that you get at work, tend to get involved with sen work, and they are an absolute nightmare at times because they try to guilt trip u they know best because of their own child!

One bloke I knew, set up an eBay account buying and selling his hobbies, he was stimulated mentally chatting to other like minded souls, and gradually fulfilled more and more financially. He used to work, and clean and iron at night, slept about 3hrs when child was at school.

i know it’s hard, but becoming a parent is hard, but if you lose you whilst you’re navigating parenthood, it’s hard to find you again when parenthood is less hands on.

i wish you all the best, and I know it feels it now, it doesn’t go on forever