To feel burnt out by partner?

[WoodersEP]

Ok, so I want to know if it is normal that I am feeling burnt out by this, or if I should just be grateful for the fact that he is willing to at least try and help?

DP (36M) and me (27F) had a huge row this morning. I am just hugely overwhelmed by the invisible pile that comes with being a mum, and I feel like he adds to it rather than takes away, but I am also aware that I may be being over sensitive.
The weekend just gone I was away and I prepared a clothes wash for him to do whilst I was gone so that we could stay on top of it, when I got home the wash had been done however he had hung it out on the clothes airer so that it was all bounded on the top with clothes over one another, with loads of spare bars at the bottom. This meant that 80% of the wash had to be done again due to most of it smelling damp, I did not say anything as I just thought i'll get on with it instead of moaning as I normally sort the washing anyway. After tea, he always ops for doing the washing up instead of bathing the kids (DS2 and DD6), however the washing up always has to be redone because the pots, pans and plates are always left with food/grease all over them, the glasses are cloudy and the cutlery has things like rice stuck to them still, I have spoken to him about this as this has been happening for years now and sometimes it'll change for a week or so but it never changes for long. I have said to him about him bathing the kids instead but even then they come out with food around their face still, DD hair still in the hairstyle it was in but now has gotten half wet and he just uses it as an opportunity to do press ups rather then actually bath them. Other scenarios include whenever I try and have a declutter of anything, whether it be the downstairs cupboard, kitchen cupboard, kids toy cabinets etc, I will spend a good while organising just for him to pretty much throw things back in and them look exactly the same as they did before so there isn't any point in me tidying them anymore as I cannot keep up with it. I feel like he is also a really dirty person as well as he will do things like wee in the bathroom sinks (I have no idea why?), I can always tell as there will be dry wee drops left on the side of the sinks, also coughs up phlegm into the sinks and does not rinse it away, he will throw cotton buds down the toilet which I have asked him 100 times not to do (I will always catch him out as there will be one left at the bottom of the toilet where it didn't flush), he leaves the dishcloth and tea towels scrunched up so they cannot dry properly. Other things he does as well is if he takes DS down for breakfast in the morning then he won't change his nappy from the night so he sits in his highchair with it and it leaks everywhere, which must be really uncomfortable for poor DS. Whenever I ask him for help with anything he always huffs and puffs, for example this morning I was half dressed and I asked him to watch DS down the stairs as he is always a bit wobbly in the mornings so I get worried about him falling and he scoffed at me for it. If I ever plan anything for us to do as a family he gets annoyed by it as he says 'I'm out the house all week so on the weekends I like to stay in', which I do get and he does deserve some chill time, however I cannot drive (currently learning though), and we live in a semi rural area with my family living 4 hours away, and so it can be hard for me to get anywhere nice to take the children. I don't constantly book things in, maybe once a month.

But yeah, I am just feeling burnt out over the fact that I am not allowed to say anything to him about these issues as it causes a huge argument with how defensive he gets, so I bite my tongue until I feel like I am going to explode which then results in him screaming and swearing at me and the children crying saying they are scared of daddy. This could potentially be more of a rant than anything but I just don't know who else to talk to about it.

You're unreasonable in the sense that you had children with someone who thinks the gruntwork of childcare and housework is not fundamentally his problem. In your shoes I would go back to work FT as soon as possible and be in a better financial situation to think about whether this was a relationship I wanted to continue to be in.

I mean, are you actually still attracted to someone who pisses in the sink and can't be bothered to change a nappy a baby has been in overnight?

Yeah that is fair I can't lie. I think a bad relationship with my father, who also treated my mum terribly, has most likely blurred my view on it all in the past. Yet that brings me round to thinking about what my daughter is witnessing and what I do not wan't her to think is acceptable either.
I am currently in half way through my second year at university as I wan't to create a future for myself in which I don't need to rely on anyone else, however it also puts me in a difficult situation in which I do need him due to the childcare situation in our village. The before and after school club has incredibly long waiting lists (they have been on it a year and a half), and all the childminders are full. So I need him to collect the kids on the days I am at uni, which I know he would not do if we were to separate.

I see a lot of people mention weaponized incompetence but this is the best example of it that I've seen in a while.

He's not a partner is he, you're doing everything!

You aren’t married and currently are financially reliant on him to which puts you in a vulnerable position. Do you rent or own the house? If you own are both your names on the mortgage?

A lot of what you describe sounds incredibly unattractive. Have you confronted him about why he appears to be urinating in the sink? Was he by any chance molly coddled by his mother, who washed his pants until he moved in with you?

These situations tend to get worse not better. When do you finish your degree and what’s the subject in?

Luckily I rent the house and it is in my name, so I do have that in my favour at least. It is just the situation with my degree, which I am hugely wishing to complete, that means that I do not have many options unfortunately.

It is incredibly unattractive you are right. Then he is also the type to display this behaviour and then sulk when he doesn't 'get a bit' as if I would actually want to? He has a messed up relationship with his mum if I am honest, and his father walked out on them when he was around 4 - his father is actually in prison for attempted murder and his father (so DP grandfather) murdered his wife! Lovely family history - if only 19 year old me would off considered red flags. He hasn't ever laid a finger on me, as if that is something I should be grateful for? I have however supported him through drug addictions, alcoholism, gambling..pretty much any addiction. He has now stopped any of that and is focusing on the gym which is obviously a lot better then the latter, however even that has came with it's own issues of extra testosterone and obsessions, body dysmorphia etc etc.

Will be finishing my degree the first half of 2026, and I am studying Criminology and Public Services (random one I know, however criminology interests me and I felt public services are very broad so may come in useful!)

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I know how tough it is for single mum's so I usually give advice on how to work on a relationship, however I'm not sure yours can be salvaged.

I would grey rock him and get on with it until you finish your course. You'll just have to do everything yourself while you count down the days.

The rages in front of the children must be terrifying, so I wouldn't challenge him which is exactly what he wants. However you can play the long game. He'll drive you mad unless you learn to completely disengage.

I would also get therapy and read up on codependency to find out why you've put up with this. You might find the Freedom Programme helpful to learn about healthy relationships.

Thank you so much for this. x