Am I in the wrong- alcohol

[Nic22206]

I’ve been with my partner 20 years and we have 3 kids together. He has always drunk but the past 5 years it’s become a real issue. He probably gets absolutely wasted 4 times a week at least. When he comes home like this he will wake me and the kids up late at night by stumbling around and generally being loud/ blasting music out from his phone. He stumbles around not knowing what room is what. He’ll get rude to me sometimes and then is absolutely miserable and snappy the next day. His excuse is he has a hard job… he doesn’t help with kids or have any house hold responsibilities. I do it all. I also work 3 days a week but as this is an office job apparently it’s nothing in comparison to his manual work. I’ve asked him repeatedly to stop coming home so drunk. He says I am controlling for saying this. But every time he gets like this I feel so anxious and can’t sleep as he’s disturbing me constantly. I have to get up early with my 3 year old and all I want is peace.

I’ve asked him to leave which he did the other night. He’s since called me a narcissistic and just thinks I’m being nasty and controlling to him. I’m at my wits end. I cannot spend the rest of my life living with a drunk like this. Bear in mind I pay the rent, all bills etc. he gives me £100 a week (we have 3 kids) and this is the only thing he contributes.

Am I in the wrong for asking him to leave?

Well done @Nic22206 change the locks asap. Here’s to a peaceful Christmas.

Wow... so basically he's funding his party lifestyle leaving you to struggle financially. I'm so sorry this has gone on for so long op, but you're definitely doing the right thing

Hell no, don't put up with that!! Now don't let him back.

yes he only pays £100 a week. He gets paid over £600 a week but the rest goes in the pub. Now I’ve seen it written down I can see how awful this situation looks and I know I’ve made the right step. Kids will be so much happier. He made me think it’s normal to be disturbed all night like that and that I’m just bore to complain. Thank you. I feel so much better seeing everyone’s replies and feeling strong.

Your and your kids lives will be so much better without him. You are 100% doing the right thing. Stay strong.

I'm glad for you... if you're aware of him coming in drunk, of high on cocaine.... kids will be aware as well.

I'm so glad you feel empowered, none of this is normal behavior.

Regardless, if you feel you and children cannot sleep or you're being verbally attacked and kids can hear, it's all abusive.

100% always post here for support.

Where is he staying now?

It's outrageous that he's spending more on alcohol than he is on his children. Get rid and get a CSA claim in immediately.

How much is your council tax, electricity and Internet... all those things water, rent, food bills for the month, divide it by you all. Then see how much he actually owes you.

Get a claim in for cms... claim back what he has stolen financially from you.

He’s at his parents house. They’re probably not happy about it but least he has his mum and dad to turn too. I’ve ruined Christmas by doing this apparantly but oh well. Me and the kids will still have a nice Christmas. Thank you for everyone to confirming it’s not normal as he gaslights me to think it is and that I’m the problem.

"He’s since called me a narcissistic and just thinks I’m being nasty and controlling to him."

What's this new shit that I seem to be reading a lot of on MN now? Feckless wasters of men, calling their partners abusive, controlling, etc. when they call these men out on their awful behaviour!

He's an alcoholic OP who will probably ruin your life (sounds like he already is). Just make plans to leave.

It doesn't matter if he sees it as normal behaviour and don't waste your time trying to convince him it isn't. What matters is that you know it's abusive and you're not putting up with it any longer. Good for you OP, you've done exactly the right thing.

From what I can see, he doesn't pull his weight financially or share the workload around the house. He may well work hard but not that you see anything from this other than £100 a week. There will be a shortfall financially but is what little money he provides worth all the aggro and tension of a drunk 4 days a week? In a hive, when winter approaches the worker bees kick out all the useless drones who do no work. I think you need to do the same. Life is short and complicated enough without having to tolerate k**bs.

You and your children deserve so much better.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and it was awful, my other parent never protected me and I don't think I've really forgiven them to this day. It'll just get worse and worse.

Well, maybe them being unhappy that he's there will give him a wake up call that it's him and not you. Either way, he's their problem now. You are well rid of this loser.

Wasted 4 times a week? He is an alcoholic. You did the right thing. Stay strong and don’t let him back in your life.

Will he go into their house drunk and high 4 times a week? Can you imagine.

Ruined his Christmas perhaps. But much better Christmas and peace going forward for you and your children. Well done.

He spends £500 a week in the pub?!?! Sorry but that sounds ridiculous. Not saying I don't believe you OP but I think he's lying to you. Even if he was at the pub getting drunk every single night of the week he wouldn't spend this much.

A pint is approx. £5.50-£6 in a normal local pub (not city centre or nice country gastro pub place). Even if he was drinking 8 pints every single night of the week:

£6 x 8 x 7 (nights) = £336.

So unless he is buying everyone elses drinks too or you live in the centre of London, I don't see how he's spending this. Are you sure he isn't doing drugs?

Oh Jesus just seen your post further down that says he does cocaine.

Yeah that explains it.

Get rid.

You did the right thing, OP. And you have NOT ruined Christmas. I can imagine what the day would have been like with him there - walking on eggshells, worried he'll be drunk or get drunk, worried the kids excitement will set him off or you won't get the meal exactly right and that will set him off. Imagine the relief of not having him there. Get the locks changed and have a lovely Christmas with your kids, OP. X

You have done absolutely the right thing. When he comes back with his tail between his legs make sure you don't crumble. Remember all his outrageous behaviour and don't let him back into your lives.

@Nic22206 well done for doing the right thing. His behaviour is absolutely not normal, and you've done really well putting up with an alcoholic for this long.

Make sure all the locks are changed, put in a CMS claim, and don't let him near the kids unless he blows a clear alcohol test (you can buy a tester for £45). Enjoy your new calmer life.

Yup.

He's a total waste of space. You will be better off without him.

You've absolutely done the right thing for you and the kids OP. Stay firm! My dad and brothers are all builders and the pub after work culture is one I'm familiar with (and nothing wrong with it either!).

However, my brothers are both dads now and would very rarely even go for a quick pint after work. Because they're not twats and are either picking their kids up from childcare, or dropping at an activity, or just getting home to do their fair share. As they should.

I won't say I'm proud of them for this because they are in equal relationships and it's of course expected that they take care of house / kids etc. But I'm so pleased they haven't turned out to be absolute wasters like the many blokes propping up the bar while someone else facilitates their selfishness.

Well done on getting rid of an utter waste of skin. Guarantee he'll be a parasite in another woman's home soon. Please, please don't rush into another relationship. This experience will have completely distorted what's acceptable to you.