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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting the night

15 replies

Hiyahowyoudoin · 18/12/2024 08:35

Even as I’m writing this I’m pretty sure I know the answer but I need an objective opinion on this.

I have 2 children (5 months and 2 years 4 months). Because I’m on mat leave they’re both with me all day except for 2 half days a week where the eldest is with the childminder. But obviously the littlest is always with me. It’s pretty intense most days as my eldest needs to be out the house to burn off energy - not an indoor child so we’re always at playgroup, etc.

My husband and I have an agreement that we split the night in terms of looking after the littlest - he takes 9pm - 1am so I can sleep. Then anything that happens after that I do - which is usually just a feed and he goes straight back down, so it’s worked out okay.
However recently eldest has started waking at night really upset - 4am, 5am etc which is meaning my days are starting at some ungodly hours.

Husband says since it happens after our cut off he doesn’t need to help and that I’d likely be up anyway, but it’s totally changing the nature of the agreement - it’s much harder to persuade a 2.5 year old to go back to sleep than it is to feed a hungry baby!

AIBU that he should get up and help?

OP posts:
TheFunHare · 18/12/2024 08:47

Seeing as he is probably working a full time job then I'd say that this should probably fall to you in the working week. He should totally take some day mornings on weekends and holidays though. Can you go to bed earlier in the week to help compensate? It won't last forever!

namechange1986 · 18/12/2024 08:50

If he is working then your current arrangement is fair.

Amanitacae · 18/12/2024 08:51

We did it by splitting the children rather than hours. Dad takes older one’s bedtime and wakeups, mum does baby.

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 18/12/2024 08:53

What necessitates having to be awake in shifts to care for youngest?

justanotherlaura · 18/12/2024 08:54

I feel your pain, my 5 month old decided to start the day at 3:50 and my 2 year old was up at 6! It's like they know my husband is working away this week

My littlest has stopped taking a bottle so I'm pretty much doing all the baby wake ups so my husband would take the 2 year old 4-5 if he was here but he's not doing 9-1. It's a difficult one, I don't think it's fair having to get up at 4 when you've got to bed at 1 but if he's able to sleep between 9-1 just dealing with any wake ups then I'd say he should be chipping in even though it's in your 'window'

We try to get equal sleep so I guess it would depend on how the 9-1 shift went

Geneticsbunny · 18/12/2024 08:55

I assume you are going to bed at 9?I found I could just about manage on a minimum of 6 hours a night. Any less than that and I seriously felt like I was losing my grip on my own sanity. Your base sleep level might be higher but if you are getting 4 hours between 9 and 1, waking for a feed and then getting another couple then you should be okish?
If it were me, I would go to bed earlier, maybe 8pm to guarantee I was getting enough sleep.
4 or 5 am wakes are pretty normal for a while. They will get better.

Boomer55 · 18/12/2024 08:56

If he’s working (outside) and you’re a SAHM, then you should be the weekdays.

Original poster
Hiyahowyoudoin · 18/12/2024 08:57

Thanks all! He works from home. I’ll just try and go to bed earlier and then have a triple shot espresso and get on with things 😅

OP posts:
Inmydreams88 · 18/12/2024 08:58

Why don't you alternate the shifts? I.e You do 9pm-1am shift Monday, and he does the after 1am shift, Tuesday he does the 9pm-1am shift and you do the after 1am shift? etc

BitOutOfPractice · 18/12/2024 08:59

I think splitting the night sounds like the worst of both worlds tbh.

Pandasnacks · 18/12/2024 09:03

I think he's right. But could you try flipping the arrangement on weekends so that you do the 9-1 bit and he does the early wakes? Not sure if that'd work either but you never no

Original poster
Hiyahowyoudoin · 18/12/2024 09:04

justanotherlaura · 18/12/2024 08:54

I feel your pain, my 5 month old decided to start the day at 3:50 and my 2 year old was up at 6! It's like they know my husband is working away this week

My littlest has stopped taking a bottle so I'm pretty much doing all the baby wake ups so my husband would take the 2 year old 4-5 if he was here but he's not doing 9-1. It's a difficult one, I don't think it's fair having to get up at 4 when you've got to bed at 1 but if he's able to sleep between 9-1 just dealing with any wake ups then I'd say he should be chipping in even though it's in your 'window'

We try to get equal sleep so I guess it would depend on how the 9-1 shift went

Oh no, sending love and caffeine to you!! It’s always when my husband is away that they get sick too!
So yes to be clear husband is also asleep during the window and it’s more if the baby wakes he deals with it. To be honest I think if I was really struggling he would get up and help, but I’ll just have to remember it doesn’t last forever ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiyahowyoudoin · 18/12/2024 09:05

Amanitacae · 18/12/2024 08:51

We did it by splitting the children rather than hours. Dad takes older one’s bedtime and wakeups, mum does baby.

That might work better actually! We had just carried on from our routine from the first time, but could try this. Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiyahowyoudoin · 18/12/2024 09:08

Pandasnacks · 18/12/2024 09:03

I think he's right. But could you try flipping the arrangement on weekends so that you do the 9-1 bit and he does the early wakes? Not sure if that'd work either but you never no

Yeah I’ll suggest it! Think it could work well. I have a horrible head cold ATM and my hormones from baby 2 are still all over the place so I’m just feeling really overwhelmed and rubbish in general to be honest, which I think is clouding my judgement a bit when it comes to this. It just all feels like a bit of a slog!

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 18/12/2024 09:27

In my mind, if you are on maternity leave you get to do the rough nights - it's one of the reasons you need to be on mat leave. I did used to go to bed about 8/9pm and my ex brought dc to bed around midnight but we then all coslept anyway. He would help if they were ill but otherwise I just got them back to sleep

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