About house being a hovel? Just me?

[Messyheads]

The state of my house is a battle I’m losing. We have two young children (4 and 1) and so I expect some mess but just the same I know plenty of people with same aged children whose houses aren’t in the same condition as ours.

What is the specific problem? Too many toys? No storage? Try to work out what is the problem, and tackle it.

I had a friend who said she couldn’t believe how tidy my house was of an evening. We had a large basket of toys in the living room. She said hers was covered in toys. I tipped my basket all over the floor and said, ‘like this?’ She agreed. I then grabbed the basket and chucked them all in, and put it in the corner. She laughed!! In her case it was as simple as that.

It takes a few minutes each night to tidy up and I never sat down until I’d done it.

Is the problem worse than that? Can you tell us what is going on? Someone might have better advice.

I agree with PP, the downstairs of my house (at least) is tidy. We spend most of our time down there as a family, and I have only a small selection of toys in the living room. They get tidied at the end of the day. Upstairs isn’t too bad but we are in the process of moving DC to a different room and trying to organise our detritus.

There isn’t a specific problem as far as I can tell to be honest. I have tried having a big declutter but it didn’t seem to make any discernible difference. Storage is tricky in our house but other than that I don’t really know what the problem is.

A lot of it is people just not putting stuff away so I came back last night from a rare night out to find tea things in the lounge, toys in every room of the house, clothes, shoes, coats and random things strewn everywhere. It’s depressing as we had guests this weekend so it was very clean and tidy then.

Sympathies @Messyheads I remember this feeling so well. When returning to a demanding job after second maternity leave, husband also working full time, MIL who was detemined that she must buy every single toy available in the early learning centre often in each of the colours it was available in!

In our case it was definitely too many things rather than lack of storage. As the toys get bigger it gets harder to stop them taking over. Especially when the age gaps means there are two sets of toys in effect. During one visit MIL had been a bit snippy asking why we were eating in the kitchen rather than at the table. I explained oldest was in a very messy phase so wipeable floor was useful. And that the dining room was overrun with toys. She offerred to help sort through toys which I took her up on. At first she was busy tutting about how much there was and “when mine were small they didnt have or need all this” then realisation gradually dawned and I pointed out that she had probably bought about 80% of the stuff. She did ease off somewhat after that.

The frustration of feeling overwhelmed and like I might be buried alive is what brought me to Mumsnet looking for reassurance it wasn’t just me! There was a post including the phrase “peak toy” that made me smile.

That was an enjoyable rant, clearly it’s still left it’s mark 🤣🤣

Decide if you need less stuff or more storage, sit tight and wait for peak you to pass!

oh that is hard and especially when you have 2 sets of toys going. However you can employ a few strategies to make it more manageable.

you said it was tidy while you had guests. Why was that? Who kept it tidy? Were you just not in the house?

who does the tidying normally? Is it all on you? I think making it a family job is important for at least some things. Like coats and shoes should be put away when you come in the door. Everyone is responsible here and helps get things tidy etc.

maybe only eat meals at the table. Especially if they have a habit of leaving plates in other rooms. There’s nothing more infuriating then thinking the tea has been tidied and then finding more plates hidden away in rooms.

slso look at why things aren’t being put away. Is it because it’s hard to put them away? If yes, you have a storage problem. Try finding better storage that supports the house rather than working against it.

Dont even have any kids and our house is a bit of a hovel. Its lovely and lived in and we can feel comfortable here.

Your husband should have done that.

OK, who are the "people" who don't put things away?

Obviously the 1 and 4 year old are too young to be expected to tidy up after themselves without supervision/prompting - so where does the problem lie? Presumably with you and/or DH?

So looking at this statement "tea things in the lounge, toys in every room of the house, clothes, shoes, coats and random things strewn everywhere"

Tea things need to be cleared away straight after eating by the adult that was supervising dinner eating, and washed up and put away (or put in dishwasher). Toys need to put away at the end of play and before the next set is taken out by the adult who is supervising/playing with the childrfen. Coats need to be hung up (do you have hooks?) as soon as they are taken off supervised by the adult in charge. Similarly shoes need to be put away (do you have a shoe cupboard?) as soon as they are taken off supervised by the adult in charge. Clothes need to be put away or in wash when removed. Clean washing needs to be put away when it is done. "Random things", need to be put straight away once you've finished using them.

Basically, it's easier to do it as you go along than allow a mess to be made that then needs tidying. By doing so, you're also modelling good behaviour to the children, who will start to automatically do the same (until they become teenagers, when apparently all the knowledge of how to be tidy suddenly inexplicably drops out of their head).

I think it's something that some people find easier to do instinctively, so don't beat yourself up about it. But mess is pretty easy to solve with good habits and good storage.

I’m absolutely battling this at the moment. Kids are literally constantly dropping everything everywhere and it’s utterly exhausting. I work long hours from home too so I never escape it.

Really hope I can get some wisdom here. For context I have ADHD so tidiness is not my strong suit. But I loathe mess.

Laundry baskets, fill with what belongs in each room - also get the children to learn to do this - then dump the basket in the rooms, clothes, shoes and toys. Make it part of the routine that the home is left tidy before bedtime, lights out for all and a game where you use a timer, so a way of getting the children to expend energy.

My Dad once threw my brother's shoes out of the front door, into a main road, having given the final ultimatum of tidying up! A bit extreme, but it worked!

Toys, just have less and the baskets are where they go when finished with for the day, then back to the appropriate room.

I am interested in who 'people' are who don't put things away as well. You? Your partner? The house elves?

Declutter and have a home for everything.

The best thing my husband and I have done to help solve this is to have an alarm called ‘daily reset’ go off on our phones every night at 8pm, which is when we are both downstairs with children in bed. We then set a timer for 20 minutes and spend those 20 minutes tidying up. It’s not always the same jobs but we try and at least get the dishes done, dishwasher running, kitchen surfaces cleaned and floor swept, and sitting room tidied up. It’s amazing how much two people can get done in 20 minutes of concentrated effort. We still have to do all the normal bigger jobs (vacuuming / cleaning bathrooms etc) as part of our week, but it’s unbelievable how much of a difference those 20 minutes make to the basic tidiness and functionality of the house.

In my house it’s all of us 😂 we are all incredibly untidy people (and half of us have ADHD) but we like having a tidy house so we’re non judgmental about things not being put away and we come up with strategies for managing mess as best we can within the limits of who we are as people.

I agree DH should have but if he doesn’t, what do you do? Obviously we’ve spoken and argued about it, but as things stand of I want a tidy house I have to do it and that’s how it is.

@OrwellianTimes thanks, it does help to know it is not just me. Everyone else seems to have a much tidier home!

I'm with you, I was just wondering if OP had another adult in the house.
@Messyheads has clarified, now, and seems the issue is her partner not pulling his weight.

New house rule- "We don't put it down, we put it away.
Dishes? Washed and put away not left at the sunk/dining table bedroom etc.
Shoes? Put away in shoe cupboard/wardrobe when you take them off.
Coats/hats/scarves- hung up, not left on back of chair/sofa/wherever.
You get the gist!
Don't put it down, put it away!

Well I guess at least you know what the problem is.

So how do you go about solving it? If we take at face value that you can't do anything about making him do more tidying then you need to look at other solutions.

It's often a good idea to play to your strengths. So if you're stronger at the tidying, then you take on a bigger share of that, but to compensate he takes on a bigger share of one of the other ongoing jobs that need doing - e.g wage earning or childcare or meal planning/cooking or laundry/ironing/putting away etc.

Well yes but in practice that means I spend my life chasing my family around putting things away.

You’re going to have to make it tricky for him if he doesn’t put his stuff away, at least. I would not be beyond chucking his coat in a cupboard. If he wants to find it easily, he needs to hang it up.

Try to get the 4 year old to put clothes in the laundry basket at the end of the day. Can you make it a game? A little treat if he can do it all week? With toys, I’d look to reduce how many are accessible at any one time, and rotate. Be ruthless decluttering.