To think actions really do speak louder than words ?

[Jumell]

I’m talking in a social sense here more than anything but could apply to other contexts.

I notice a lot of threads on MN are from women (because it still seems a predominantly woman’s forum although there are of course some men who post with similar issues) who have problems with their friendship group. I’m not surprised not least because I think sometimes friendships are more difficult to navigate than romantic relationships. For example, once you decide to end a romantic relationship you just finish it - whereas a friendship is MUCH more difficult to navigate, more a grey area etc. I mean you don’t say to a friend “we’re finished’” in the way you would a romantic partner.

I am exactly the same as it happens and am therefore glad of these friendship threads - they give me tips on how to behave and help validate my feelings. I’m a people pleaser and this is something that seems SO DIFFICULT in adulthood to shake off - the many threads on here on the subject are testament to that I think.

I think in a social sense, if someone breaks away from a group, it says more about where that person stands than any negative words they could say.

For example - at the age of 9 - there was only one girl in the class I liked - and I think it’s no coincidence that we’re the only 2 that have completely broken away from our class friendship group - the rest are all still in touch and have regular socials.

It’s not clear what you’re asking, OP. I doubt many people are still in any kind of regular touch with many friends from when they were nine, let alone the entire class group. I imagine it would only happen in a social setting where people, for whatever reason, tend to stay local.

I barely remember the names of the classmates I had at that age. I’m in regular touch with two of them, and neither of them are in touch with anyone else, to my knowledge.

Ah fair enough - you’ve made a good point in para 1.

However my school was a little different than a ‘normal’ school as it wasn’t a mainstream school and most of the kids’ mums were teachers - all knew each other socially and was cliquey. Me and the only girl I like definitely weren’t the kids of teachers.

OP i think you need to maybe look at your communication skills

because this makes bugger all sense

why are you so focussed about school and even referring to when you were 9 years old?!

As others have said, not entirely sure what you are saying but if you are a people pleaser as you'\ve stated then YES absolutely actions speak louder than words.

That is the true test of authenticity- if someone's words match their actions. If they dont, then that person is lying to you and doesnt mean what they say.

In life, I have found that in general words mean relatively little - people generally do the things they want to do and dont do the things they dont want to. So, if someone is telling you how much you mean to them but is consistently making zero effort with you then no, they dont care. I have some leeway for when people are stressed or going through a hard time but if its a general pattern of behaviour that you are putting in loads of effort and getting nothing back then you shouldn't continue the relationship/friendship.

Always watch for a match between words and actions - if someone is genuine, they will be aligned for most of the time.

i’m a people pleaser

anyone else a bit 🤔 whenever they read someone describe themselves as such?

No, I think it’s really helpful as a way to understand someone’s motives for acting (including yourself).

I’m not sure either where you’re going with the reflection about your Y5 class, OP, but agree 100% that actions speak louder than words. My ex made (and makes) all the promises in the world over and over, but his actions contradict or break every one. OTOH the current Mr AlertCat will say once that he’ll do something and then it will happen, and not ten years later either.
In the first relationship I was a ball of nerves, no security every, whereas now I know exactly what to expect.
In friendship context, it’s the same- I recently lost a friendship but in hindsight and when I was no longer making excuses for her, I had to acknowledge that she was full of promises which never came through, and also full of words of support after the difficult time had passed. I don’t miss her.

But I’m still not sure I get what you mean when you relate not making friends aged nine to ‘actions speaking louder than words’ and ‘breaking away from a friendship group’. From what you say, you were never in this friendship group in the first place, and I still think it would be vanishingly unusual for an entire class of nine year olds to be a friendship group together in the first place (unless a tiny class), far less to be friends in adulthood.

The only person in my class that I hung out with aged nine was the other unpopular child. I never liked her (I think our mothers arranged it), and I have never laid eyes on her since the end of primary. I have lots of friends in adulthood, reconnected decades later with two primary classmates, and it’s perfectly possible (with work and effort) to discard people-pleasing ways.

i always wonder whether those around the person describing themself as a “people pleaser” would also see that person as such! 😆

I think it can be useful shorthand for ‘I try to buy people’s liking or approval by services and never saying no, even though I often neither like nor respect the people in question, and I simmer with unexpressed rage that they don’t do the same for me’.

The problem is that this isn’t usually what people mean when they say ‘I’m a people-pleaser’. They mean ‘I’m just too nice and everyone else is a user’.

In short :

I WAS friends with that group aged 9 although I wasn’t that keen on them - just liked one girl in the class

I stopped socialising with them at 26

This says more than if I just went round saying how much I hated them

still no idea what your point is op

Agree!

I personally think it can look like a very kind person who genuinely wants to be nice, but ends up overwhelmed. These people tend to have anxious attachment and when someone doesn’t like them it feels catastrophic to them.

It can also be someone who ends up being dishonest or insincere, because they can’t or won’t say no and then end up letting people down (usually those closer to them, so that they can please the person who’s outside their social circle- presumably because they have less hold on that person’s approval).

Yes to be fair I agree totally with what you’ve said here

I actually think its both- the first point causes the second one and its why people pleasing needs to be addressed because it comes from a place of anxiety and fear of being disliked but actually, people end up disliking you more in the long run because you cant practically keep to your commitments. Also, people end up never seeing the real "you" because you say yes to everything and that comes across as inauthentic.

So, people pleasing ironically has the opposite effect that the PP thinks it does and then they become more and more frustrated that noone seems to like them.

Yes - completely agree

But why did you keep socialising with them between the ages of nine and 26 before stopping?

I can appreciate nine year olds often just hang around with whoever’s there (I certainly did), regardless of whether they like them much, but why on earth waste the best part of two decades, though changes of school, possibly university, jobs etc, in a friendship group you hated before leaving, and concluding that your departure is some kind of meaningful gesture compared to ‘going around saying how much you hated them’?

Im not trying to be unpleasant here, OP, only trying to unpick your logic, which isn’t making sense to me (or to quite a few other posters, it seems).