To feel like no one likes me at work

[Isolatedatwork]

Name changed for post.

This is probably just me, I work from home in a call taking role and have done for a while now. I hit my targets and am very rarely off, have done additional training to do more duties but haven't been promoted or anything, which is fine. I'm happy enough and don't really want to progress into management.

I'm struggling with constantly feeling like I am disliked. I think I am a kind person and I don't know what I am doing wrong. It is quite a competitive environment in terms of people seeking promotion but as I don't really want this, I can't have offended anyone because of this. Any additional roles I have don't pay more just give me a load more work to do (but I quite enjoy the work). I feel like "my face doesn't fit" and because I am not part of the "in crowd", I am sidelined/disliked.

I don't feel like I am explaining this all that well as it is subtle, but for example-let's say there is a group discussion between 10 people including me-anything I say is responded to politely but barely acknowledged (eg "Thanks for that, Laura what do you think) and then when Laura (random name I made up) will answer exactly what I just said and is met with gushing feedback for 10 minutes.

I'm finding it emotionally draining and although I know its "only work", its full time hours and a long time each week to feel worthless/a horrible person because no one seems to like you.

Does anyone else feel like this? How do you cope?

Hi OP, working from home can be extremely isolating. I know because I do it too. Can you find a job that brings you into the office a couple of days a week? Or maybe find time to see a friend for a coffee at lunch, much like you would have lunch with a colleague?

Thank you for your lovely reply. How long have you worked from home, do you ever feel the same way?

The office is too far away for a regular commute, although I do go occasionally for certain training/office days, it is quite rare though. I really struggled to get this job, but I have wondered if maybe its time for a change. The job itself is ideal though, so I am really reluctant to quit. I do try to be social during lunch but sometimes I do end up working lunch to stay on top of my workload, which I know is bad.

I would really like to be able to not care if I am liked or not, and then it wouldn't matter! I have always got on well with colleagues in previous jobs and never felt disliked or ostracised. Maybe it's just me.

Could it be they just don’t know you well so don’t make an effort to acknowledge what you say, but Laura is a regular and a bit of a queen bee so folk try to get in her good books? So indifference rather than rejection? (not sure how much better that is)…

Actually-yes-thank you for explaining this much better than I did! Indifference is probably the right word for it. That actually helps a lot, indifference is better than outright dislike!

I only say this as I had a role where I was working mainly from home and felt like that. But really I think people just didn’t perceive me as being someone who was part of the team. I did change roles to something that was hybrid as I’m a people person and found folk were perfectly warm and lovely once we had a proper relationship. But I could only do that because I live close enough to commute a few days a week and the newer role involved a lot of joint working.

It isn’t you though. It is them so if they are a group of suck ups who can’t treat people the same or be vaguely thoughtful then you really wouldn’t want them as friends. Sod them. Do your job and invest all your efforts in your family and friends.

I try and remind myself of this when I am feeling down and it does help! I just thought by my age I wouldn't be worried about in crowds!

But it will soon be Christmas and will have a nice break from it. Thank you, you have all made me feel better about work today :)

Are you sure everyone likes the 'in crowd'? Only someone recently left my work. Someone I considered to be very much part of the 'in crowd' and I've realised from the multiple comments made by multiple people he wasn't actually liked at all. Not even particularly seen as good at his job. He had a big personality and he liked to talk. He was great at his own PR. If he said stuff in meetings people listened etc but the fawning over him was not genuine at all. Anyway the point I'm making is don't be too quick to think you're not liked.

I hate to ask but how old are you compared to other colleagues?

But have you ever even met these colleagues? How would they dislike you when it’s sounds impossible they could even know up you, if you’ve only encountered them on an occasional training day and work entirely from home? Surely their polite responses are just that — polite responses to someone they just don’t know?

If you are able to can I suggest you build closer relationships with colleagues by organising online 'coffee' catch ups one to one or social events for the wider team. This might help you to build relationships remotely x

Is everyone wfh or just you?

Its really hard if most people are in at least some of the time. You bond & engage so much more. Its those moments, my colleague (who i am friendly) has had a really tough time this year outside work, i took her for a coffee and she just cried, and i gave her a hug and talked about ways we could help with her work etc so can have a bit of head space. she told me later how much she appreciated the support. You don't get that via teams.

I'm very pro hybrid but having worked remotely for a year in another job its incredibly isolating.

Im probably slightly older than my colleagues in the main. We all wfh, so an even playing field so to speak. We have virtual meetings and a lot of interaction albeit not face to face; I am comparing how I am treated compared to others in the same situation really. I think indifference was the best way to describe it really.

When a notion, an idea, pops into your head ("no one likes me") your brain doesn't treat it as a neutral thought which may or may not be true, instead it starts looking for proof that you are right and therefore you add weight/importance to any evidence.

This guide might be of help - https://www.verywellmind.com/ten-cognitive-distortions-identified-in-cbt-22412