How to handle a bit of a prick

[noooooooo]

Apologies for the racy title, prepare to be perplexed, bored and disappointed 😝

I'm looking for interpersonal advice, I suppose, but to be used in a professional capacity. Posting here rather than in work or whatever cos I haven’t got much time to prepare and I want a quick transfusion of the collective MN strategic experience.

I can't give many details for confidentiality reasons so I need to ask you all to try and bend your brains round handling this situation without knowing many specifics.

I could try and come up with an analogous set of circumstances but it’s pretty specific so that might set us off down the wrong road and pull focus.

Imagine you’re representing people who find themselves somewhat in the role of a whistle-blower. Their organisation is in some pre-existing trouble, but they also stand to lose a lot by going public or escalating.

How would you tackle a conversation with someone who holds authority over them, and is also the heady combination of defensive, over-promoted, and condescending? He clearly thinks he's The Man (he's not, he’s got a boss, but chain-of-command etc, and we are not certain the ultimate boss will behave differently - explanation to follow)

Short version, it seems to me this chap knows people have failed and been failed but he won't admit it, so is defensive verging on hostile (not quite yet but not miles off). He also has a ‘listen, dear lady’ manner that would make you want to send him on a course.

AFAIAA this is down to not being sufficiently experienced (staff seem to be hired through a revolving door) and employees beneath him not being well-trained. Some of that pre-dates him and is not his fault but from what I can glean, there's been some shockers in a number of areas. This is provable, it’s been discussed elsewhere (to the extent it has been in the press) and he can’t not know this. There have also been several points where someone could have sensibly intervened in the current shitshow without it getting so far. He didn’t exactly jump into action either when it landed with him, I think the hope is that it will magically go away, maybe that’s why they’re in this pickle more broadly, not rigorous enough by some way.

If I was advising him I’d say ‘it’s a wise general who knows when to retreat’ but perhaps because the overall culture seems to be fairly toxic and broadly runs on fit in or fuck off, that’s not happening.

For my part, I don’t want to push him right into recalcitrance. He could do something constructive about this yet and is expressing willingness to ‘get things back on track’ but thus far isn’t actually doing it.

Another issue - can't seem to answer a question. I politely pointed out the second time he didn’t answer me that that's not what I asked and he gave the same irrelevant answer again - think ‘computer says no.'

There are obviously legal ways to deal with this and that’s what I’d advise but sadly it seems it will be neither feasible nor desirable for the parties involved to escalate much further than they've already done - it’s a small world, they are junior, really afraid of reputational risk to them (troublemaker narrative) and not to mention all the stress - so ideally I'd quite like to get him feeling good about the decision to get onside.

I suspect they’ve only got this far cos he's slightly worried about where this could go - like I said, bad press, plenty of failings - but I know what he doesn't (this probably can't and won't go much further and the poor people involved will likely just fold. I also doubt they will be the last to fall foul of these issues).

That said - at the moment he's not seeming worried enough to admit this was poor, or to undertake to prevent a reoccurrence - or indeed, be less of a prick!

So - any prick charmers reading? 🤓

This is really hard to follow. Are you this persons manager? Or are you HR? Is he whistleblowing, or raising a grievance? Are you trying to support them or manage them out?

You're being unreasonable, because this is totally undecipherable.
Can you make up a situation, with Bob, Jane & Stanley (or whichever names you like), and make it understandable?

Sorry love. You come across as rather self-important and condescending.

If you aren’t his boss, unless it is you that wishes to whistleblow, I would stay in my own lane.

Although you’ve rambled on for so long and made assumptions about how people might interpret an analogy (as your job situation must be so unique we would all instantly know who you were) (actually, the way you write will out you to anyone who knows you) I got lost along the way.

Sorry, it must be. I really can’t risk being more specific, it’s a PITA.

The word grievance hasn’t yet been used. The element of whistle-blowing is that some of the problem seems related to failings that have already been made public and of which everyone is well aware.

No HR. They want, ideally, to stay in their roles. It’s a competitive sphere. They are legitimately worried, however, that if the issues are not acknowledged and actively addressed they are going to be professionally disadvantaged. The option most people take is either suffer through it or go.

You're going to have to explain it like we're all five years old, I'm afraid.

@itisafuckinggoat don’t apologise, please😂

My job is not unique, at all, but if I don’t keep the details down to a minimum it could out the place, either now or in the near future, and by extension them. I can’t think of an equivalent.

This makes no sense at all so yes YABU as no-one can make head nor tail of what you are going on about

Okay, let me have a think. Need to go to sleep shortly as am up again in four hours.

Not really sure what you are on about but ultimately if the whistle-blower isn't prepared to go as far as possible and the person/people being reported by the whistle-blower isn't prepared to change then its all a total waste of time

Be very clear about what is needing to be done in order to reduce the current professional risk to the company. Be explicit about that risk. Avoid apportioning blame to the individual, if necessary massage their ego. Talk about what needs to be done to manage the current situation - possibly give options of actions so Mr Prick feels they are making the decision. Come up with bullet points of ways to avoid a similar problem happening again.
Then step back from the situation unless you have responsibility for the outcomes. Send a blind copy of your recommendations to HR if you feel you need to cover your back.

Is the Prick’s name Graham by any chance? They seem to be pissing people off. This week at work we have dealt with 3 Grahams and a Graeme (latter’s nickname is Egg, short for Creme Egg). If it is a Graham, he’ll be coasting until retirement I’m afraid and very little you can do about it. Advice: keep out of it. Look for another job.

Thanks to all who are still awake. I am not going to sleep now, am I.

@sweeneytoddsrazor I agree they probably do need to be prepared to escalate. That needs to be their call though and I can see why they’re frightened.

@SomethingUniqueThisTime

This is good advice, what I was hoping for, thank you.

When you say don’t apportion blame this is part of the issue. It’s not actually the Prick’s fault the final straw incident occurred but he manages the people involved and he is behaving like it didn’t. He hasn’t flat denied it but he won’t say he’ll take steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again. What do you say to that? Leave it unspoken and hope he does something behind closed doors?

The line at the moment is to portray some of it as a misunderstanding. For example, one of them was publicly humiliated for doing something they were instructed to do. It’s employee’s word against manager, though, because the instruction came privately and verbally. There’s a long course of conduct, but it feels risky to them to start down this road when they may not get the same shot elsewhere.

At the moment there seems to be a slight undercurrent of him wanting to portray the ‘whistle-blowers’ as being ineffective and over-sensitive. From their account and that of others who have left it’s more like they’re targeted because they’re competent people who have asked legitimate questions/ sought clarification. I think they’ve had it pretty rough, one of them is signed off. That also gave him a fright I think.

Thanks again.

He’s not Graeme but he’s got definite tendencies 😂

In your dealings with Mr Prick, make it all about him. Make him aware of all the downsides his career could face if he doesn't get a grip on the situation. Big up all the wonderful ways he could become the hero if he handles it right. Make him believe his prospects and his reputation are your primary concerns.

This sounds like an awful lot of self-abasement and you may be unable to stomach it. You'll have to work out whether your desire and drive to ameliorate this apparent (somewhat impenetrable!) shitshow is worth it.

And you'll probably have to price in his condescending attitude and learn to perceive dealing with him as an exercise in personal grace and resilience.

This whole story reminds me of the wistful jealousy I sometimes feel for the self-confidence of a mediocre middle-aged man.

You wrote a lot more since I posted and I think I am now out of my depth in terms of giving advice!

Try and keep it not judgemental but make it clear it’s about providing clear and competent management, for example not communicating in a way that can be misinterpreted.
Maybe stating that ultimately line management is responsible for ensuring members of their team receive clear instructions and guidance to carry out their role/duties to the best of their abilities and recognising when they need appropriate support. Where possible instructions that have serious/important consequences should be backed up in writing. Make it clear that effective and happy teams feel that their ‘managers have their backs’, ultimately the reason a manager is paid more is because they are responsible for their team’s actions, publicly blaming a junior member of staff is a poor reflection on their line manager and the organisation as a whole.
Maybe mention that having more then one potential whistleblower indicates that management processes for handling internal frictions in a team are flawed.
Using words that seek to not personally attack the prick, but advising him ‘how it can be perceived by others’.

Are there any consequences to the prick if he fails to change the way he manages, can you influence these in anyway?

Why bother waffling around like this? There is no point wasting time thinking about his emotions not competences, because you aren't his wife nor his boss. Move into actual professional mode. Tell him the issue and what you think needs doing to fix it, tell him you are confirming all that by email and send email during the session, ask for a written response by [end of year]. Make sure timescales fit relevant compliance policy timescales. If he doesn't follow up adequately, then just escalate it.

Don't forget to cover your own arse during this process.

1. dont fight other people’s battles for them
2. negotiating in hostile environments is a real skill, something that takes practice and experience.

It sounds like your expectations are unrealistic sorry.

Regarding 1, now OP knows she is now complicit if the "failures" lead to harm. Hard to tell if that's relevant, but I suspect it is. Escalation is the only way.

@LauderSyme

Helpful advice, I appreciate you taking the time, and I agree with you. Give me abasement. And a sharp spade 😂 Ameliorative is the word of the day though.

Spoke to an older colleague about it just now, if it were him how would he regard condescension* *and belligerent obfuscation. He shrugged and said ‘clearly they don’t know what I’m about.’ Lol, the confidence! (he’s not mediocre though).

@SomethingUniqueThisTime

Thank you very much for this. It’s useful to read considered perspectives on how others would deal with this. A fair bit of what you wrote formed part of the first discussion. He was fixated on quoting one policy, which was not an answer, apparently way less interest in putting policy into practice.

As to whether the outcome of this next meeting will have an adverse effect on his career, good question. Yes, if he doesn’t act, and maybe yes, even if he does. It might be too late. Think that’s why I’m bemused by his chosen approach. Is it bluster? Personally, I’d be sitting under a desk, rocking. But what some people are terming ‘unrealistic’ is sadly quite a common outcome for people starting out in certain walks of life. It’d be easier if to negotiate if they just wanted to pull the pin - but not necessarily for them. Agree with those who mentioned arse covering.

Thanks again to all for the sounding board.

It's obvious that you are far more intelligent than your boss. Ight be an idea to remove yourself before something really blows up.good luck.

Is there factual evidence eg dates, times, written evidence, people prepared to speak out on record ,cctv or the equivalent.
What's your role in the whole shitshow?
Gather the above & you'll know what you do.