To sometimes think i shouldn't have had kids

[Regr3ts]

2dc, 9 and 7. Both awaiting assessment for adhd and asd. Life's too hard. There's no family support just me and dh. Both taking too much time off work through dealing with them school refusing. I wonder what life would be like if they were neurotypical. I don't know how to keep doing this every day. This is just me ranting into the void after another evening in hell dealing with meltdowns and bickering. They have no idea i feel this way. I'm the dutiful mother but I feel like I've lost myself.

I have ASD and my DH has ADHD, we didn't have kids because we knew they'd likely be ND and we would absolutely not cope with it. Sympathies op.

I'm Audhd too ... Didn't know that until my youngest was already 5. I don't think i am coping. Thank you for replying it makes me feel a bit less alone.

Same. Mine a bit older. Both asd and adhd although both present differently in both kids. One gets no parry invites or playdates, other does which causes upset. I feel the same as you. It would be so nice to have NT children eating normal food, no meltdowns, not bored unless they play computer games. Those with NT don't realise how lucky they are.

Please hang on in there. I promise it does get easier. I have 2 DS’s now 17 and 24. Both have ADHD and the oldest one has Tourette’s too. Yours are at the ages I found really hard.The youngest one was awful, school refuser, violent temper. I was a punch bag for a few years. I felt like I was going insane a lot of the time. You need to have a lot of strategies under your belt. This might sound mad but what helped me was to read as much as I could about ADHD, to try and understand how the world is for them. it seemed to give me more patience and strength. Don’t get me wrong it didn’t help all the time and I chain smoked at times. One book that helped was the Explosive Child.
My 24 year old now lives with his fiancé and my 17 year old is the most amazing young man. He’s thoughtful, kind and generous. Hilarious too!!
I think back and wonder how I coped but I did and you can too. 💐

And just to add, I used to be very envious of people with NT kids but now… I feel
lucky to have the sons I have. They both appreciate they weren’t the easiest of kids to raise and they often tell me how grateful they are that I made the effort to understand them. We have a very special bond.

Oh, op, I'm sorry, you must be at your wits end

I only have one with asd and it's just the two of us. I feel lucky in a sense, that I don't have a husband to worry about, although others will disagree

I think, if possible, take some time to separate yourself from those with neurotypical kids. I don't think I would've coped as well if I had to see others with their kids, talking and understanding things. I had to simply unfollow Stacey Solomon on Instagram as her son rex was speaking and my dd wasn't and I had a complete meltdown

There should be council run groups for families with kids with asd. I'd get straight there. They host events during the holidays where you can just have a minute to yourself and be around parents who get it and won't judge. Once you spend time around sen parents, you'll feel a bit more sane at least

Is it possible to stop working? Or is it an escape for you? That would be my first priority, if you did want to stop

Whatever happens, youre not alone, plenty of sen parents feel simply exhautsed with it all ❤️

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply everyone.

We got them to bed last night eventually, and just collapsed with exhaustion ourselves. This morning went really smoothly getting them to school - only for my eldest to have a complete meltdown in class because another child was pushing him around, he called the other boy a name and pushed him back, the teacher only saw the second part and as the teacher asked my son to stay behind, my son apparently had a huge meltdown, throwing chairs, screaming, kicking telling the teacher to shut up - its the first one he's had actually in class although some other staff have witnessed one or two. He's has problems with that other child before, being too physical with my ds and as far as i know he doesn't normally react. We see this meltdown behavior all the time but it's worrying me that it's spilling over to school. The teacher phoned me to talk about it, im at a loss of what to say apart from sorry and I'll talk to him. I don't know how to help him deal with all these emotions. We've talked about what he should have done instead ie tell on the other kid for pushing him around but i don't know if he will remember that in the moment. God knows how we will persuade him to get to school tomorrow.

I can't give up work we can't afford it and if i did i would probably never see another person. I don't have many friends.

@Regr3ts
OP
Do not give up work, whatever you do! If you do that, you will lose yourself, you'll just be your kids emotional support person. You'll never be your own again.

Have a look at some of the stories from women in that situation...

Start pushing the school/LA for an ECHP, start pushing for respite no matter how long it takes. Just make sure not to fall in the trap of giving up work or you'll never escape it.

Thank you - i don't think anything would be solved by either me or dh giving up work and we couldn't survive on just one wage - we are just scraping by as it is.

Look into everything you can get. Do it now, and get all of the funding you can, and get all assessments and help.

I hate being a doom poster but it doesn't always get better, it's always got worse for my DH with ADHD, it's led to him being sectioned and having psychosis as an adult because he didn't get early help. His parents didn't want him to be labelled as a child.

Please all get your young children all the help, accessible arrangements and medications you can. My husband wished his parents had. We're now in a much harder situation with an adult man.

Good luck all ❤️

I think once diagnosed with ADHD meds are a game changer

I can understand why your DS had a meltdown. It was grossly unfair

Is your dh on meds

Regr3ts
Are you able to get Pip/dla if your dc have these disabilities

I've just contacted dla this week actually to get the ball rolling.

YANBU at all. If I'd known what it would be like I wouldn't have had any kids. Co-parenting with my AuADHD ex and I'm ADHD. We had no idea for years.

DLA helps a lot, it picks up the slack when you don't have much to give. Cleaner, takeaways for them, damaged things, taxis etc. Saving grace is that work is flexible and I wfh.

I just feel I'm constantly waiting for things to improve. Some things do, it's just very slow but hang on in there.