... To not bother fighting back - 50/50 contact

[TokyoSunburm]

Name changed for this and please be gentle as I am in pieces.

I split up with ExH 5 years ago. DCs are now 11 (year 6) and 6 (year 1). It has not been an amicable break-up. ExH wanted full custody of DCs and accused me of all sorts of things which weren't true in the family courts. The outcome of the court cases thus far was that they live with me and spend time with him (EOW and Wed-Thu in term-time, and half of the holidays. Christmas alternates. First day of school year alternates. Easter alternates). I wanted very much to co-parent but ExH has always insisted on 'parallel parenting'. He refuses to divulge any information about what they are doing when with the DCs and has even kept girlfriends a secret - I have found out about them from the DCs.

Most crucially: the DCs do not enjoy going to their dad's and there are always tears before the longer trips away (e.g. half term, Easter, before they go to him in the summer). He was completely uninvolved in their care before we split up and is not very accommodating of children. He has unrealistic expectations for them and is very cold towards them. (He was also financially abusive, emotionally abusive and sexually abusive towards me. I am in therapy and am only really seeing how awful he was now, years later.)

He has just filed new paperwork, requesting 50/50. I understand that this is the "new normal" and very likely to be granted. I am obviously devastated. This will be the forth time in court - each time he has taken me to court he's got progressively more time with the DCs.

I feel like I have PTSD from the family court. It was absolute hell. CAFFCASS didn't listen. The judge was horrible. The cross-examination was terrifying.

As is, the DC spend most of their time with me. It's not ideal but at least they view here as their home. The idea of 50/50 terrifies me and I think it would be extremely detrimental for the DC. But I have extremely limited spoons at this point and have spent all my savings... So I would have to borrow money from elderly parents to hire a solicitor and barrister.

I know several couples who've split up lately and they are all doing 50/50 in one way or another, following court rulings.

WIBU to just agree to 50/50 care as it's so likely to happen anyway? Or is it worth fighting to keep the status quo? I spoke to a solicitor today who said "prepare for the worst" so I am not sure if it's even worth the fight.

Any advice would be welcome.

He may well not get 50/50.

I get it is totally grim and Cafcass are awful. I've been there.

But if you can evidence the lack of cooperation I think they will see he isn't capable of being a co parent and the split should stay slightly in your favour.

Also, nothing will happen quickly and the older your children get the more their opinions are taken into account.

And you may find he loses interest after fighting so hard. Because he didn't really want time with the children he just wanted to "win".

Mine fought so hard for 50/50. Didn't get it. Tied himself in knots with his lies.

Now he only spends about 20 days a year with the children. And they see him for who he is.

In first proceedings he wanted the DC to live with him 100% of the time. This was crazy as he had shown very little interest in the DC before we split. The 2nd time he wanted about 80%. The last time he asked for 50%. Each time he has got slightly more time with them, so now it is EOW + Wednesday + 50/50 in the holidays. So on this trajectory, it would be 50/50 next time.
I did speak to a solicitor yesterday who seemed to think that 50/50 will be the likely outcome as the younger DC isn't so tiny (they have been shuttling between myself and ExH since before the youngest was even 1) and he has a proven that they are safe in his cars.

I was also told that CAFFCASS are unlikely to get involved. They were only involved in the first court case. Not the 2nd and 3rd. I found them to be awful so not sure if if would be beneficial to have them involved or not??

He lives relatively close to school. I am about 20 mins away and he is about 30 mins in the opposite direction.
I don't think his work is particularly flexible, he has to go into the office some days. When they go to contact he just planks them in front of the telly and works from home. He is too stingey to pay for an after-school club, which would be the obvious solution.

I can't see how it would work at all. ExH would have to really change his routine or they'll end up having to just wait around for him while he works from home. Unless he gets his girlfriend to watch them or something. In honesty I don't think he has thought it through. I think it is just about "getting his own back" or control or something.