Difficult time in marriage and DH out tonight

[honeypotter]

I'm feeling a bit sad and hoping for some words of wisdom.

DH and I are going through a pretty stressful time atm. We've had a close family bereavement, some major unexpected financial issues, DH is extremely stressed with work and we have two children under 3 who don't sleep well. Plus other stuff going on too.

We had a conversation last night because he's been pretty unhappy recently. He reassured me that he loves us and wants us to be together but said there are things I do that make him miserable (and him me, too).

We did have a good chat, talked it all over and ended with a hug and things seem fine today.

However, he's off on a very rare afternoon/night out with the lads, and I just feel pretty sad and anxious. I guess low on self esteem too. I keep imagining him telling his mates he's miserable etc and how unhappy I make him. I know this won't be the case in reality. I just feel really unsettled and tearful. I'd like to enjoy the time to myself this evening without lying awake tossing and turning and worrying about him/the state of our marriage currently.

All his friends seem to have very cool, confident wives and perfect lives (which I know isn't the case in reality!) but I just worry he might be enlightened in some way that he'd be better off out of 'us'. I think his admission that he's not very happy currently has just really rocked the foundations for me.

Any tips or advice?

No practical advice other than try not to worry as it won’t do you any good anyway. It may be that actually a night of fun to relax with friends after what sounds like a stressful time for you as a family is exactly what he needs to reset and get perspective, my friends & I always joke that there’s almost nothing a good night out together can’t solve!

It sounds like you’ve had a good chat about what the issues are so you can think about practical steps and planning to resolve those things long term but for tonight you just relax and try to put it to the back of your mind.

Thanks @Mrsttcno1

I really want him to go and have fun as he deserves it and I've had loads of Xmas socials and he doesn't bat an eyelid. Just wish I could shake this horrible sicky feeling. I think it must be low self esteem that I always feel he could so easily just walk away from us. I wish I could have rock solid confidence in myself! I know it's not always going to be smooth sailing but the slightest hint of a rough patch sends me spinning.

As long as his friends are decent people, it will be great for him and overall for both of you if he gets a change of scenery and chance for socialising.
Is there anything that came up in your chat that you could take a first baby step with today? Is there something you could do that usually relaxes you (a favourite show, call a friend etc)?

@Toomanyemails I am making a real effort to address the things we discussed but they are along the lines of me being too on his back with house work etc, when he has very little time/is always at work/is trying his best etc, I think they're probably very common issues when you have very young children. He's going to try and pull his weight more etc and appreciate me more. So nothing I can really actively do today.

I think I'll get the kids to bed and watch a Christmas film!

Awe bless you OP, sending you a hug 💐 I'm sure your DH won't be telling all his friends about your difficulties, it will probably do him good to go out and have a laugh with his friends. I promise you they don't have perfect lives or perfect wives either!

You are both juggling a lot with work and 2 small children and it's easy for little resentments to arise when you're tired and stressed. Keep communicating and try and keep your physical connection with cuddles and hugs. Tell him how much you appreciate how hard he works for your family. You're both on the same team and it's easy to forget that when you're deep in the trenches.

Try and have a peaceful evening, get the kids to bed and have a soak in the bath, something nice to eat and an early night. Things always look better after some sleep!

Thanks @Endofyear I know you're right! I do think a night out will do him good. And I know men don't sit around chatting about this stuff!

From what I know about men, they tend to talk about common interests, football, motorbikes, rugby, beer etc. I've spent a lot of my adult life being the only female in a group so I'm good at these except football.

This. We (women) are far more likely to talk about our relationships whereas the "lads" only want to relax and have a good time, especially in a group.

He called to speak to the kids (pissed as a fart) and they definitely aren't sat around discussing their wives. I heard someone downing a pint and the others cheering 😆

Jeez are they 17?

@Allfur they don't get out much