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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DSs 5 yr old friends to BEHAVE when they come to play?

20 replies

mrstt · 01/05/2008 10:23

my DS had his friends round for play & dinner the other day, one friend in particular was quite rude to me (telling me to "go and get it") no please or thank you and he kept opening my fridge, cupboards etc, getting up from the table and generally misbehaving. I didn't want to be too strict as they aren't my children but on the other hand, what example am I setting to my own? Its ok to be rude in other people's houses & just forget your own manners when your friends are round (none of them asked to leave the table even though mine usually always do)?. what does everyone think the best way of handling this the next time?

OP posts:
meemar · 01/05/2008 10:28

I don't think it's too strict to ask them to ask for things politely. It will set a good example to your DS and they might actually learn from it.

I wouldn't personally wouldn't consider getting up from the table misbehaving, or being rude as different households have different rules. But as they are at your house you could ask them to do it if you want to be consistent for your son.

jesuswhatnext · 01/05/2008 10:29

don't have the rude kid round again. expecting resonable manners is not 'being strict'. my dd is now 16 and i still won't tolerate rudeness from her friends, it's MY house, they are more than welcome to come over/stay, eat us out of house and home, make a racket/mess whatever but i'm not going to be taken for a charlie

so, behave or you don't get asked again!

VictorianSqualor · 01/05/2008 10:36

At my house we don't eat until everyone is sat down and table manners are very important, including getting down from the table, I will tell a child what rules I expect to be followed, I just say 'oh childthathascomefortea, we do Y at our house at dinner times', so I would've said 'if you don't mind we don't go through peoples cupboards at my house thankyou sweetheart' (I always do it in Firm Voice and add a nice word and smile at the end, then they aren't quite sure whether to push me or not)

Miggsie · 01/05/2008 10:39

..it's basic social manners, yes he should know how to behave and it is not unreasonable to say "we don't do this in our house".
for instance DD is goign through a phase to taking her clothes off and running round the place...she knows this is ok in her house but NOT anywhere else.
She also knows how to say please and thank you.

If the rotten child says that is how he treats his mother just say "more fool her and you don't treat me like that".

VictorianSqualor · 01/05/2008 10:43

Ha, yes, I had one child put her feet on the table during dinner, and told her we didn't do it at our house, she then proceeded to tell em she did what she wanted at her house and didn't listen to her mum, my answer wa that she wzs lucky I wasn't her mother then as she'd spend most of her time in her bedroom by herself learning how to talk to em with respect
She took her feet down..

Fennel · 01/05/2008 10:46

We have House Rules. Pinned up on the wall for visiting children to be referred to. My dds love it, they keep adding rules of their own.

I found it particularly useful when we were looking after other children a lot whose parents had different standards (they let children throw food on the floor etc). With just visiting friends, I'd probably not invite them again if they were badly behaved, but sometimes you don't have the same choice, in which case the House Rules have been very useful for us.

girlywhirly · 01/05/2008 11:25

You are entitled to have the rules in your house upheld, but these rules must be crystal clear to the guest children. So if they have been asked to sit at the table and they get down again you should correct them. As VictorianSqualor says, in a firm, polite voice with a smile, they don't know whether they've been told off or not! Steer them back to the table and stay there until they sit down.

As for the rudeness, you use the same tone of voice, saying something like " little boys like you do not order me about. Please don't be so rude, otherwise you will not come to tea again"

If that doesn't work, consider not inviting the rude child again.

ViolentFemme · 01/05/2008 11:30

LOL at VictorianSqualor. I'm going to file that one away for my own use later!

Porpoise · 01/05/2008 11:32

There is an upside to all this, Mrstt: once the playdates over you look at your own progeny with newly appreciative eyes

motherinferior · 01/05/2008 11:35

Which is, let's face it, a big upside.

ranting · 01/05/2008 11:35

I tend to go with VS, 'We don't do that at home', 'Well that's lovely dear but we do in this house, ok'.

Having said that we did (years ago) have a friend of ds for tea who spent the entire meal showing me his mastication skills, he didn't receive another invite!

Original poster
mrstt · 01/05/2008 12:32

great advice thank you, do you think I should mention to the mother about her DSs behaviour or just smile and pretend everything was fine?

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 01/05/2008 12:42

Smile and pretend - there is no good outcome from telling the other mother that her child has been rude and ill-mannered - either she does care and will be mortified, or she doesn't care and will take no notice.

Fizzylemonade · 01/05/2008 12:46

I do the smile and pretend everything is fine and hope that my son is very well behaved at other people's houses

If the behaviour was very bad then I think I would mention any rudeness.

VictorianSqualor · 01/05/2008 12:47

Yeah, just smile and pretend.
At the most I say 'well, we had a few words about how people do things differently in other houses but I think they had a fun time, how about you kids' in a 'leave it to beaver' style and they smile and say 'yes, we had a great time' that way you don't upset the parent, and you don't lie and the kid forgets to complain he never wants to come back cos you're the evilest mum in the world and made them wash their hands before dinner

cory · 01/05/2008 14:46

I have noticed that lots of kids don't have the same rules at home about not leaving the table, and quite a few kids don't seem used to eating with adults, so I tend to cut my child guests a bit of slack in that respect. Particularly as it is perfectly possible that my dc's unknowingly offend against unwritten rules in other houses.

I am not saying that dc's friends are particularly badly behaved or do not respect their parents- that has not been my experience- more that different families have different rules.

(And one rule that I had drilled into me at an early age is that you must make a guest feel at ease. So I would only interfere for matters that seem worth it)

Tbh adult guests don't always behave according to Cory House Rules either, but if they're nice people they can come and play again anyway

SmugColditz · 01/05/2008 14:53

My children don't ask to leave the table. The table is a place to eat your food, not somewhere to be incarcerated on someone else's whim. Having been brought up with different house rules isn't misbehaving ... it's just being different. I don't allow my children to play upstairs or their friends and I understand most people find this very odd, but I don't find it naughty if their friends go and mess about up there.

You make a point of "Forgetting your manners" but have you considered that their manners may not be in agreement with your idea of manners? For example, I would NEVER insist on someone clearing their plate, or remaining seated until all were finished, as I would not think that commenting on things like that is good manners!

telling you to "Go and get it" is rude, however, and I would gently correct this - but do remember, they are 5, not 25. You may have children lucky enough to have been educated in play date etiquette, or you may be lucky enough to have naturally socially aware children - not all families are like this, not all children are like this, and I like to think that when I have guests I make them comfortable.

Original poster
mrstt · 01/05/2008 14:56

cory - make a 5 yr old at ease?!! getting up and rummaging in my cupboards and refusing to take no for an answer I thought was at best testing the boundaries or at worst badly behaved. I don't mind them ramsacking the place, tipping all the toys out and generally having a great time and want to come back, but deliberately ignoring me and answering back I thought needed dealt with - I would be MORTIFIED to know my DS did this in other peoples houses! Also, the other friend looked horrified and asked him what he was doing !

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 01/05/2008 15:01

mmmm ignorinfg and answering back .... grit teeth, say "Oh dear, I'm sorry you're not having a good time, perhaps I had better ring your mummy to collect you now .... or would you like to come out of the kitchen?"

Either way, you will shift the behavior - by stopping it, or getting rid of the child!

I wouldn't have him back.

nooka · 01/05/2008 15:03

I think you are bing unreasonable to expect five year olds to behave well when they are coming around to play, because many of them won't conform to what you think of as good manners, and some of them will find new surroundings difficult and may play up for that reason (5 is pretty little!), and some may play up to impress their friends. However if you combine VS's approach with Porpoise's attitude you should be fine . I usually found that it was my dc who behaved the worst when friends come around because they got too excited

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