Abusive husband ?

[silvershadow1]

I've been married for 25 years - together 30.
I've met someone in last two who I feel there is a huge connection with. He feels the same . He is also married
No sex but we messaged over the last couple of months . / I'm fully aware that it is an affair and we have tried very hard not to get involved with each other but it's very hard and we have tried to walk away .
I have no idea if he is my happy ever after - I don't look at it like that - neither does he - we just know we need to talk to each other.

I've chosen to ignore and 'get on' with so many things about my husband.
I'm not perfect - I have mental Health problems . But I have been feeling lost in our marriage since my 50th birthday and I started taking HRT . I feel like I have woken up from a long sleep . The other man has just helped to 'rouse' me .

Over last 20 odd years husband has :

Overspends and gets us into huge debt
Had to remortgage over £50k to pay off debt
Spent whatever he wants and never gives me money
Childcare, costs , clothing etc all my responsibility
I Had two miscarriages and never comforted me or supported me
When I did get pregnant with baby he decided to work a way for whole pregnancy - from 8 weeks pregnant
Made it clear only wanted 1 child after saying didn’t know he wanted any at all.
Household chores , life admin , bill paying my responsibility
Lent female friend money and lied to me
Had afffair when his brother died - my mother was ill and I didn’t support him enough and so blamed myself .
Affair lead to him being obsessed with her and she put in a work complaint about him. He had to resign so they didn’t sack him
In last 2 years has had 6 jobs because of his aggression
Started working in London though I didn’t really want him too
Is work obsessed and puts more value in work than us. Lost job last year and had nervous breakdown.
Speaks down to me
Has always flirted with other woman to point a woman wanted to have an affair with him

I should know what abuse is ! I work in this field but in this abuse to me? Or is it just what happens in life .

He sounds awful OP. I’d not want to live with him.

He doesn’t sound like much of a prize catch and it does seem the marriage has run its course. However, the idea that the man you are speaking to will solve your problems is also wrong; he’s married too nor is he the magic answer. You need to sort out or end your marriage as much as he does.

The issue is whether you can support yourself financially if you separate. Do you work?

How the hell do I ever leave
I have no money (I do have a good job)
My son is 16- I don't want him to hate me
If I left I my husband would fall to pieces .
He drinks too much already and I fear that he may even be suicidal
My only thoughts on this is to play the long game . Save money and wait for my son to older

My husband also drinks too much and asks for sex acts that I don't want but do to keep him happy

Jesus it sound horrendous when I write it down

Considering his utter lack of respect and cheating on you etc. I’d have no qualms about starting an affair and refusing to sleep with DH. If leaving is too hard, then don’t. You owe your DH very little loyalty here.

Not being happy in a relationship is the only reason you need to end it. You don’t need to justify it with a backstory or get other people’s confirmation of whether your husband is abusive or not. You could end a relationship with a canonised saint simply for not being happy with them.

Having an affair is just going to make the inevitable break up of your marriage and divorce settlement negotiations more acrimonious and antagonistic. You’re not going to do yourself any favours by hopping into bed with somebody else and pretending that it’s somehow inevitable.

Your son is 16, and he will be more than aware that his parents have a dysfunctional relationship and make each other miserable. Playing “the long game” isn’t going to be for his benefit, but yours - and there’s really no point wasting any more of your life doing that when there’s never going to be a perfect time to end things.

Finish one before you start another, and dint be surprised if the other guy doesn't leave his wife for you.

Please don't rush into another relationship. I've done this and it never works out its just a desperate attempt to escape your current relationship.
You need to divorce your current husband and sort your finances and living arrangements out before even thinking about another relationship or it will end up in a great big mess for sure. It always does.
Menopause is a wake up call, the rosy glasses of oestrogen come right off and you can see what's really going on. It can be quite a wake up call.

asks for sex acts that I don't want but do to keep him happy - what the heck!? Just stop doing that for a start. That is utterly unacceptable and, whatever else you decide, you must stop this NOW.

This is not a happy marriage and it is a fallacy to assume that your son is not absorbing messages that are doing him no good. What sort of a role model is this for his future relationships?

Start planning your getaway now.

But ...... your feelings for this other man are a red flag - he is married, he is not available to you, you must draw back from this. I know this is hard, when you are facing a barren wasteland of a relationship, but it is the right thing to do.

Disentangle yourself from your existing mess - that is the priority.

We are nowhere near leaving spouses for each other
We have actually waited 2 years to even be at this stage and he has waited even longer than that
I have no idea if he would leave his wife and I know that leaving my husband for him would be a bad idea
Other man is very lovely - he is terrified of the way he feels - as Am I
No one is rushing anything
He is in a complicated marriage that he needs to sort out to
I think I need counselling

You can’t let the idea that your husband will “fall to pieces” prevent you from divorcing him. You both sound terribly unhappy. Life is too short for you to be miserable. Your son will cope, he’s 16 not 6, and will be more than aware that his parents can’t stand each other. Getting divorced was the best thing my parents did by a country mile.

Don’t fall for any manipulation. He’s a grown man and will sort his life out, as will you.

Sat here in shock at what I have realised. I know that sounds ridiculous

"My only thoughts on this is to play the long game ."

You have already played the long game.
Your son is older.
If not now, when?

Leaving someone that you have been with all your adult life is not easy . I don't have a supportive family - I would be on my own with nothing .its scary

@silvershadow1 I know, it is scary. You've made the first steps already by realising what you're going through. You know you don't have to keep living like this, and neither should your son. Thousands of women have gone before you. Thousands (and more!) have found themselves restarting their lives afresh, finding their way through it all, with no help and little money. I don't think any of them would regret it, myself included. Women's Aid, the CAB, many other organisations will help you. You've already lost so much, please start to take the steps to regain your life xx