Dating in my 50s

[GallyGaff]

Well, I'm 55 and following the death of my husband I find myself single and lonely.

Don't have much of a social life so I'm thinking of OLD.

What is the quality of available men in their 50s like?

Please don't sugar-coat; I need to be going into this with my eyes open.

Thank you.

YABU - Terrible
YABNU - Enough good ones to give it a go.

My BIL is widowed and OLD at 53, I think he’s shagged half the women in the county. I’d be cautious of people like him. Unless you want meaningless sex and never want to see them again.

I'm in my 50s and I don't bother. My best friend who is also in her 50s has tried OLD on several occasions and it was horrendous. She has now stopped as she said it just wasn't worth it. Some of the tales on here too are off-putting, but there must be some successes. I think you need to have firm boundaries and not be vulnerable if you choose this path.

If I were interested in finding a partner, I don't think I'd use OLD. Have you tried expanding your social circle in other ways - gym, hobbies etc?

Trying to, but I'm shy and a little deaf which makes it hard.

It's pretty horrendous to be honest, I've dabbled in OLD a few times but have given up really. You need a very thick skin and a large percentage of the older guys on there who should know better just want a shag. And if you do find a 'decent' one, they can be needy and demanding.

I dated one guy who was lovely in some ways but I think his ulterior motive was somewhere to live.

To be honest I think you would be better off joining groups with a hobby and see if you can meet someone in a more natural way. I found OLD sapped my confidence and made me feel crap so I've decided to stick it out alone with my dog!

I’m 48. Was married for 22 years. After 1.5 years separated, i joined OLD, had one date and we have been together 2 years. He’s absolutely wonderful. Really kind, fun, funny. We have taken in slowly and just enjoyed joining our lives together. It does happen!

Not looking promising!

56, found my lovely man OLD this year. He Never married (had long term relationships though) no kids. Have a thick skin, don't be gullible, value yourself and turn the wankometer to high. I found OLD quite entertaining but I'm a very hard nut to crack.

My friend is late 40’s and has had 2 relationships from OLD. Recent guy she met took her to Paris for the weekend after 4wks. Give it a go, but keep expectations low. Good luck

Essential to follow Jennie Young or The Burned Haystack Dating Method on FB or Insta. In a nutshell, she shows you how to find your “needle in a haystack” when using dating apps by applying simple rules to ensure you never meet any of the crap.

It's fine but you need a system.
I met many wonderful men online, some of whom we are still friends with. I met my previous partner online and he is a wonderful man. We drifted apart, no drama, no red flags. They do exist.
Here are a few tips:

• If someone is not making an effort right away, don't continue. For example if all you get is "morning babe" and "good night babe" with very little interaction in between, this is not a man who is up for a serious relationship. Focus on people who write a thoughtful first message and those who reply to your questions with fully formed answers and ask something back.
• Don't spend days texting, arrange to meet for a quick coffee. Not a proper date, just a coffee. And meet a couple of guys per week before making your final selection to go on a date with. It's a numbers' game as someone said above.
• If you catch someone on a lie, move on. Yes, it's normal to withhold information in the early stages. Nobody really want to talk about how their wife stopped fancying them or whatever. But if someone tells you they are an avid cyclists entering international events and you then find out they don't know how to service a bike, run.
• Ignore profiles which have no information
• Ignore profiles which have blatantly obvious incorrect age (almost every older man on Tinder shaves at least 5, sometimes 10 years off their age and it's fucking obvious)
• Ignore any profile which says that the bloke is not looking for a partner with "relationship baggage". They are either a psychopath, want to date a psychopath or don't have enough self-awareness to realise that they just projected their own relationship baggage on a whole cohort of women they haven't even met.
• Similarly, ignore profiles which say "no drama". This is a code for "I am emotionally unavailable and will tell you that you are hormonal or controlling every time you attempt to talk about our relationship".
• Also never ever date a guy who calls his ex "crazy" "bitch" or similar. Even if she was all of those things, it shows complete lack of respect for women, lack of accountability and yes, the infamous "baggage". You will likely to be the next "crazy ex" in this scenario.

If you follow the above, you have a good chance to meet someone half decent, maybe even fully decent if you are lucky.

God I don’t bother. Are you sure you want some bloke shuffling around your house?

OK, well my friends in their fifties who do/have done OLD all day the same thing. The blokes in their fifties have no interest in women their age. So you may need to look at men in their sixties.

My FIL found his partner on-line. He would have been about 68 at the time. They have been together for about 8 years now and live together.

I met DH on line - in our late 30's - been together 16 years now.

My son met his long term girlfriend on Tinder.

But.... I have 3 female friends who just can't seem to meet anyone decent. One is 35, one is 45 and one is 52. No luck whatsoever.

So, I think it very much depends on how lucky you get. I'd try it (and I am the same age as you), but I would be very cautious. But at our age, surely we can spot a dud! I think I would be tempted to join a paid site. Time wasters or men just looking for a shag, are less likely to pay for the service (I think). Make sure anyone you meet is solvent!

There are needles in the haystack.

Ignore the ones who don't make an effort with their profile. The ones who don't have a picture of their face. The ones lying about their age. Thr ones lying about their marital status.

Go out and have a good time. Don't take it too seriously. If you are finding it hard going, take a break.

The point of dating is to get to know people, to see if you want to see them again. A lot of them you won't. Some turn out to be arseholes. Some are nice enough, but in person, you just don't have chemistry. Some are great fun, good in bed, but wouldn't want an actual relationship. (Don't sleep with them unless you want to, though. And always take condoms - they invariably won't.) The bad ones will at least make entertaining anecdotes.

And make sure you still do your own things, be it going swimming or knitting, and definitely seeing friends. If you find someone, he needs to enhance your life, not replace it. Friends and family and whatever pastimes you have will be there still when the dates aren't, and they're more important.

I'm the same age as you OP. OLD is pretty awful. I'm average looking and get very few matches. Those that I do get to the stage of exchanging messages with don't know how to hold a conversation - it's me asking all the questions. I very very rarely get to the stage of a date.

As PP said, it can sap your confidence. I've taken the route of expanding my friendship circle generally, I used Bumble friendship section for that. It's a walk in the park compared to dating.

Having said all that, I'll probably give it another try in the New Year (having had about 2 years not on OLD) as hope springs eternal.

OK, well my friends in their fifties who do/have done OLD all day the same thing. The blokes in their fifties have no interest in women their age. So you may need to look at men in their sixties.

This isn't true. I'm 52, and I've met a couple of lovely men round my age, one who is becomknb a good friend, the other is a lot more than just a good friend. And a lot of less lovely ones. You don't have to resign yourself to those who are 65+.

I'm 55 and having fun with it. But I'm just out of a long marriage so not looking for anything serious atm. I'm also looking younger as not interested in older men. With a couple of exceptions, they do not seem to age well at all.

I've met some nice men. No-one I've clicked with especially yet but early days. I've had a couple of fun dates, and some nice snogs.

I think treat it light, as a fun hobby and a way to meet new people. Don't expect anything.

I’m 53, been single 5 years. Have had lots of dates, most nice enough just no spark. A couple just after sex. I’ve recently met someone on tinder and he’s lovely. I agree with the above post re profiles and it is a numbers game. Don’t waste weeks texting, there are some men who get off on it as I found out! Good Luck it can be fun

My (now )husband says it's a numbers game. Meet lots of people for a coffee quickly after connecting and go from there. Be relaxed about it. Try to see it as a social event not a date as such.
He did it for years. I did it for 6 months. Met about 8 people...had a couple of flings...ghosted by one guy after sleeping with him so then tried to relax and keep meetings casual...but when I met my husband I just knew it was right.

I was widowed aged 48 and was 54 when I got into OLD as kids had left home and were in there early 20s.

Fair enough. It must just be slim pickings where we live then. 😎

Honestly you'd be much better off focussing on nourishing friendships than looking for a man. My friends and I are all in our 50's and none of the single ones have any interest in dating. My closest friend is currently off travelling round the world on her own at 56 and having the time of her life. There are so many ways you can spend your time that don't include the cesspit of online dating.

Thank you for the helpful.tips!