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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be feeling like I should ask for a divorce?

4 replies

Fedupisthisit · 16/12/2024 23:36

Ok so this has been a long time coming. Please no negativity this has been a very difficult journey and I still don’t know what to do. I know you will probably all say LTB as that’s the obvious answer but it seems so huge. DH was selfish when our 4 DC were very small they are now young adults/teens/preteens. Youngest 12 oldest 21. He was always out socialising and drinking with the excuse it was to build his newly started business. That has become v successful though and has enabled me to work part time over the last 15 years. We are both senior professionals but he earns 3x what I do. He was caught out cheating when third DC was born and I was furious - he used his dad’s death as an excuse and we went to marriage counselling which helped for a while. I now feel quite a while later (17 years) so angry and resentful. He doesn’t go out anymore despite his earlier partying ways and is always back early trying to help around the house. It drives me crazy as I don’t need him anymore - I would have given anything for this when the DC were young and he was off flirting and drinking all night for years on end. Now it just irritates me as he couldn’t be bothered to do it before. But it seems such a huge step to divorce as he behaves fine now, we have a lovely home and lifestyle, all DC at home with us. They aren’t particularly close to him as I have done all the childcare while working P/T but they all rub along and get on relatively well with him although I am much closer to them all. Sorry this is so long. I don’t feel particularly attracted to him and we are in different rooms due to his snoring but I don’t miss him at all. He is detached emotionally although we have started marriage counselling again, did it before after the previous cheating episode. Should I ask for a divorce? I don’t know if I can do it all again.

OP posts:
SLRUS · 16/12/2024 23:51

I could have written your post word for word OP. The issue is that resentment will grow and grow and he will see it. He may even divorce you. Well that's what happened to me anyway. I would start planning and as everyone here would say "get your ducks in a row".

Endofyear · 17/12/2024 00:48

OP it doesn't sound like you love him any more. That alone is reason enough for divorce. It would of course be better if you can part amicably and share parenting. You need to think carefully about how you will manage financially and get some legal advice. But ultimately, only you can make this decision.

ElizabethTaylorsEyebrow · 17/12/2024 01:17

If you have fairly separate lives and his income supports a good lifestyle for you, could you just give yourself permission to check out of the relationship emotionally, but technically stay with him?

I wouldn’t advocate this if you were having to show him affection, have sex, spend time together. Because you clearly do not love him or even like him, and that would be torture. But it doesn’t sound like he expects those things?

What would you gain by divorcing him? What would you lose? Consider only what’s best for you, because you owe him nothing.

Fedupisthisit · 17/12/2024 20:30

Thank you everyone who has responded - this is good food for thought!

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