Worried I've been a bad mum

[tittifer22]

Not in the practical sense. I love my dc and would do anything for them. We are affectionate and they are well looked after. However I had my eldest quite young and was pretty clueless myself. I struggled to teach him things because I wasn't confident. Practical things like riding a bike or tying his laces. Where I could outsource the teaching, I did (like swimming lessons for example - I would religiously take him and happily pay because I was relieved someone was teaching properly him for me).

He turns 13 just after Christmas and he is frankly useless. Very academic and clever, fairly sporty but no life skills. Can't cook, wouldn't know how to make a cup of tea. Can now ride a bike thankfully but still struggles with his laces. And looking back I can see it's because I've done everything for him because it seemed easier than teaching him. His room is a mess because I have always gone in and tidied up. Clean clothes thrown on the floor after one wear.

I am getting frustrated but feel like I only have myself to blame for not instilling good habits in him from an early age. I keep thinking about what sort of a husband he'll make...not a very good one unless he bucks his ideas up!

Of course he's now at that difficult age where it's hard to get him to listen, he knows best and I can't think of anything he'd less rather do than learn to cook or bake with me. I feel like I've missed the boat.

Does anyone have any tips for managing this? I have two younger dc (big age gap, different dad) and I am parenting them totally differently because I'm older and know better now myself. I just feel guilty like I've somehow failed my eldest. He is a lovely natured kid and like I said, he's academic and sociable. But compared to some of his peers I just feel like he hasn't got a clue about life skills.

You are massively overthinking. At 13 he is not useless because he can’t cook, most biys his age don’t drink hot drinks anyway and he has probably 20+ years of growing up to do before thinking about being a good husband. He is intelligent and polite, and that counts for a lot. Most boys are untidy.
Start making him more accountable for his belongings and chores, but don’t write him off!

I relate to this so much! My oldest is 12 and I definitely did absolutely everything for him when he was small, i thought i was being a good mum and now I've realized that a big part of the job is actually making sure he can do things himself. Our younger children are definitely more onto it with things like that because I realised. We are teaching him to cook and making sure he cleans up after himself, he's helping in the garden etc. It's not too late!

He is 13. You have time.
He wants breakfast? Cupboard is there. Let me show you how to make toast.
Saturday meal? Let me show you how to boil.pasta
It is not too late at all

Things like tying his laces though - he absolutely should be able to do that. If he struggles he gets in a strop and just gives up so over the years I've done it for him. But that's not good enough now, he needs to know himself.

Cooking and hot drinks, fair enough. But basic chores around the house, cleaning up after himself, hanging his towel up after a shower, that sort of thing. I get that a lot of kids are like this but I can't help but feel I've been a bit too soft and not put enough boundaries or guidance in place. He just thinks I'll do everything and if I don't it stays a mess.

I have a 14 year old, who is smart sensitive, funny and absolutely bloody useless at anything practical. Given that kids tend not to move out so young these days I think we have a few extra years to whip them into shape.

He really is a sweetheart but he once put Nutella on bread and then toasted it.

So yeah that toaster is in the bin.

Your self awareness is the key here. He's 13 and he has loads of time to learn all these skills before he flys your nest.

Start with including him with chores and showing him how to do basic things like boil the kettle, pour in pan and add pasta.

Don't shame him or berrate him about uselessness. As you said, you're partly to blame, shaming him will make him scared of giving these things a good go.

With the younger ones start now! Your oldest will also see that he's not being singled out for shit jobs and might encourage him. Empower him by showing him something, then asking him to show the younger children the week after.

It's never too late. Start tomorrow. And keep insisting that he does things. Don't let him off the hook.

He should be able to tie his shoelaces though. I am not sure why you are still doing it for him. Unless he has DCD or a similar diagnosis, shoelaces shouldn’t be a problem at this age even if he’d never tried it before.
The rest of the stuff, yes, you can absolutely still teach him but your comment about shoelaces makes me think that there may be something more going on.

I don't think there is. It's laziness. I will tie them super tightly and then he will just pull them on and off. He can do it but not quickly and not tight enough. Once again he knows that I've done it for him so there's no need for him to learn. This is one of the things that bothers me because it's embarrassing for him in front of peers if he can't do it.

If he is embarrassed he will learn .

He's 13 and not too old to learn these things! Most 13 year olds don't have a lot of life skills so don't feel bad about your parenting. Set him a challenge to cook a family meal, get a hello fresh box or look up some easy recipes online - reward him with pudding of his choice after! As for cleaning up after himself, you need to negotiate so if he does this, you will do that for him. Make sure you stick to it! I had 5 boys and the rule was, if you don't bring your washing down, it doesn't get washed. They soon learned to do it when their favourite jeans/top weren't clean when they wanted it. With teens, it's all about negotiation and occasionally bribery! Works better than laying down the law ☺️

@tittifer22 re tying his laces

I struggled to teach my DS (now 10yo)

I found a video on YouTube which shows you how to tie your laces super quick. You get the same result but it's done a different way

Haven't tied his laces for him in about a year

We used something like this:

But if you google 'easy ways to tie laces' or 'quick ways to tie laces' there are tons of videos and one might click with your DS.

Most 13 year olds don't have many life skills and most of the ones that do are busy throwing teenage strops.

There's a reason scouts and cadets have a badge system and it's mostly about life skills.

Cooking - about this age I started mine on cooking a meal a week, usually on a Saturday. I sold it as "when you go to uni you'll know some meals to cook". Started with pasta bake and worked along.

Mine did cadets and they had a whole badge which was about looking after their uniform. They spent most of one Sunday practising how to iron their shirt correctly. Can recommend!

Start small (cup of team, putting a wash on, making scrambled egg on toast) and build up to more involved recipes and responsibilities. There is plenty of time.

He sounds a lovely normal boy.
A friend of my son's went to Oxford and I'm not sure he ever learned to tie his laces!!
And they all use a floordrobe and very few are interested in cooking until about 17 (if then).
Just enjoy his company (though maybe teach him how to make a cup of tea for you!)