Refuge with 4 kids

[Anonmumof4]

Hi everyone I've been in a very abusive relationship now for 13 years. The abuse has been very physical at times leaving me bruised and bleeding. He's been arrested many times but always guilted me into dropping charges by trying to k*ll himself etc. We have lived separately at some point when he was arrested and placed into emergency housing but somehow wormed his way back in. He's not physical at the moment but emotionally he is still very abusive and it's getting worse so I worry it will turn physical again. I have 4 dds and considering going into a refuge, had anyone ever been in a refuge with 4 children. I've read it can be hard to get into a refuge if you have more than 3 children. Also can anyone tell me whats its like being placed in a refuge, a couple of my kids have SEN needs. Any help and advice will be greatly appreciated xx

I don’t know I’m sorry but you could try the domestic abuse helpline, they can help find refuge spaces

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

You can also try Women’s Aid

www.womensaid.org.uk

I'm surprised with you having children social services aren't involved. If they are, they should be supporting you to leave, including helping you find accommodation.

I stayed in a refuge years ago, in a room meant for a bigger family, it had a single bed and two bunk beds. The amount of children you have wouldn’t matter atall! Please get help and get out of there, especially for your DDs. These men rarely change, they just escalate and get worse :-(

I had socials involved and they said they didn't see a risk so I have no help or support from that side of it.

Thank you so much, that makes me feel better, I read of their website it can be difficult with more children but this really pust my mind at ease thank you!!

Thank you! I am on hold to them currently for the past 1.5 hours. Just thought I'd ask here too x

I was in a refuge ten years ago- no children but one woman there had 4 and they had a large room with bunk beds. I think more modern places have flats instead of a room.
It was fine, honestly. All the women there in mine were in the same boat and the staff were great. They help you with everything.
And the peace and the freedom you feel is worth all of it.

Well done on getting help. Ignore his threats to kill himself, this type do it to manipulate you, maybe you know that but you are doing the right thing.

It's really better to go to your local domestic abuse charity in your area, they can help and give local advice.

As for refuge I used to sort refuge spaces for single women and those with children. It's just about what is available at the time. The main issue is that people don't want to move to a different location and that may only be what is available.

There will be a local domestic abuse charity, can you google that ?

My preference is to move as far away as possible i don't care where I get placed as long it's its away from him. I'm noticing effects on my kids and they're always happier when its just us.

I worked in a refuge many years ago, and at any one time there would be several women with 4 or 5 DC each staying there. The woman I remember who had the most children had more than 12! (Not all with her some were grown up). It was a big purpose-built refuge, maybe a smaller non purpose-built would have less big rooms but it was certainly not unusual at all. Hope that helps.

Please get out OP. I know this is such a scary, daunting step. There are family sized rooms that cater for larger families in most refuges, and if not social services are obliged to step in. The safety of your children is paramount, and if you continue to let him live with you there is a chance you will lose custody of them. It's very important you are seen to be putting their safety first.
I've been in several refuges in a work capacity and I found them to be quite nice. They are usually just bedrooms, you'll have to share a bathroom (although newer places might have an ensuite) and kitchens are usually shared, with everyone having a designated cupboard and fridge/freezer space. They usually also have a playroom for children. Obviously it isn't home, and can be very distressing initially as it's such a change, but taking your children out of an abusive home is the best gift.
All the best xxx

Please speak to professionals who can support you in making permanent changes - a refuge is probably a good idea as they have additional support in place for you all and hopefully all of this will give you the confidence to get your lives on track.

I have no idea if there is space nor how you get placed out of area but we work with a refuge in Weston super mare that has helped several of my clients, Weston also has reasonable accommodation options longer term plus new building housing association homes

That is terrible of them. Shocking. So sorry you're going through this alone.

I find it very hard to believe that the perpetrator has been arrested many times and the OP has been physically bleeding/bruised and SS are saying there is no risk. It simply wouldn't happen. The police would be submitting their own child protection concerns automatically following a DV incident.

Well I can't make you believe something but that's exactly how it is. His whole police record is multiple DV instances, ive taken him to court also to try and get a certain order that would prevent him talking/seeing me and the kids and the court also refused that even though i sent 10+ written pages of all the things he has done. I have tried time after time to escape him but always take him back. I'm looking for advice to actually leave my relationship permanently and safely now and your comment simply isn't helpful at all.

I wouldn't believe someone who had been arrested for beating women and accused of child abuse by multiple people would be given custody of a child and then we all found out about Sara...