Drinking at 6year olds party

[Lindylou1980]

My daughter in law was seen secretly drinking at our grandaughters 6th birthday party. Her and her partner had hip flasks at a ball pit.
they have had a lot of difficulties this year but I don’t think this is acceptable.
should I say something?

It's almost impossible to advise if you give so little information

Was the ball pit in a pub, soft play, garden, a party room, someone's dining room?

We serve alcohol at all our children’s parties

hardly secret if you know about it ? How did you find out

seems like there are bigger issues like mental health and aggression
unless you have raised her and have a really close loving relationship it should be your husband who has the chat

if you do think you need a chat make sure it’s warm supportive and concern not judgy and sanctimonious
you may want to have leaflets or links ready to support her
also bear in mind alcoholism and co dependency is not cured by nagging or finger wagging

Soft play

You sound judgemental rather than concerned for her well being so I wouldn't advise speaking to her yourself.

If she's your step daughter can her parent speak to her?

I thought drink for the adults was the norm at children's parties! However if she was secretly rather than openly drinking it might indicate she has more of an issue. If it was my own DD I would raise it, but not a DSD.

Soft play is hell on earth, I wouldn't judge any parents for sneaking in some alcohol in a hip
flask as long as they were not getting wasted, nor do I find it odd to have alcohol at a kids party so this by itself is fine to me. Sounds like there are clearly other issues though, so if it's your husband's daughter I would let him speak to her unless you have a very good relationship with her.

But she's secretly drinking, that's the problem.

When we have parties at our house for anyone of any age there's usually the option of a prosecco or beer etc if people want it (we usually do!)

However sneaking hip flasks (presumably of straight spirits) into a kids soft play centre is a whole different kettle of fish and the fact so many people seem to be okay with it is really concerning

Like PP, I've been to plenty of kids parties, including at soft play, where there was alcohol. Usually a few bottles of Prosecco and everyone (who isn't driving) has a glass in a "hooray we've survived 3 years, 5 years, whatever" sort of way. And often with a "boy you really do need a drink to come with these hellish places don't you?!" sort of a way. So the actual drinking if only a small amount wouldn't bother me and I don't think there is anything inherently inappropriate in drinking at soft play of the centre allows it.

Drinking in secret is a bit of a red flag though. But I wouldn't mention that point specifically to the person involved, but rather try to talk to them sympathetically about whatever you think the real problem might be.

Are you the reason she's secretly drinking?

I am aware that it comes across as judgmental simply because it’s not something I would do does not mean that it’s wrong for others I am aware of that. Hence my question to get a more rounded view of it.
Husband and myself have been through alot supporting step daughter and are genuinely concerned that she has more problems than she is sharing. Which again is her choice but that doesn’t not stop us being concerned about her or grandchildren

People drink at kids parties, but taking a hip flask is weird, so the flask went in to the ball pit and they sat there swigging from it?
Who drove home?

Why would you post this it's just nasty?

In a hip flask at a ball pit??? This isn't a family meal or party at a house where there is wine with a meal.
If you can't manage a child friendly activity day (presumably middle of the day ish) without booze then you have a problem.

Why is it? There may well be truth in it.

For the record no I’m not 😢

It's not acceptable but I see no value in saying anything. If it was just her I would probably talk to her spouse in concern she has a drinking problem (and yes, I do think day drinking in secret at a children's ball pit party/active centre suggest a problem) but if they are both doing it they will think it's fine.
If its your step daughter then I would mention it to your dh and keep an ongoing eye on the kids/family for any signs of alcohol abuse. But for now there is no value in confronting her directly

Do people still own/use hip flasks? Hardly "secret drinking".

If she really wanted to secretly drink, she'd be a lot more inconspicuous by drinking neat vodka from a water bottle or a travel mug.

Hip flasks are a dead giveaway.

On the basis of what?
Just seems like people want to put the boot in for no good reason.

There is a massive difference between drinking, socially and openly at a kids party and having concealed hip flask of booze to get through a kids party.

It’s a bit strange but I’d be more concerned about how much she is drinking. The equivalent of a glass of wine won’t be a problem. Getting drunk and disorderly in a ball park would.

Had you noticed her drinking a lot prior to this? Do you think the children are being cared for properly? Do you think they drive when they've been drinking?

Nobody drove home. Walking distance but carried on after to a Wetherspoons. Maybe I am overthinking it. It’s just sad to me that she feels the need to do it.

Secret drinking, or even just taking your own alcohol somewhere none is available and no one else is drinking, is generally a concern. And with MH issues to cope with, doubly so.

But whether talking to her about it directly will be beneficial or just close off lines of communication is not something it’s not possible for us to judge.

If you think you (or her dad) can do it in a way she’d hear as genuine concern then it might be worth it and offering support. But that doesn’t seem likely.

An alternative is just trying to be more support for her until things improve or she’s ready to get help (or you have to step in for the kids’ sake).