Christmas family arrangments- grandchild

turkeypasty · 2024-12-16T10:13:40+00:00

To cut a long story short, me and my family (DH and one lovely DS) live in the UK, but I am from Europe. My mum loves my DS and is a doting grandparent, we go to my home country loads (like every 3 months) so she gets to see him and she spends lots of quality time with him. For Christmas, also my sister and her boyfriend will be coming to my parents, which I think is lovely and I can't wait to see them. For context, they also live abroad. My mum however has let slip towards me that she would rather spend the time focussing on the grandchil d rather than having any other visitors- AIBU to find that mean towards my sister and boyfriend or is this normal?

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/12/2024 10:25

I think it’s inappropriate to share that she’d rather one of her children wasn’t coming to stay with the other child - that’s the bit that’s not normal in a healthy family dynamic. Everyone’s entitled to their private thoughts but the right way to deal with it would have been for her to arrange each of you visiting at separate times, or after she’d already agreed to you both visiting at Christmas to say nothing.

Original poster

turkeypasty · 16/12/2024 10:28

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/12/2024 10:25

I think it’s inappropriate to share that she’d rather one of her children wasn’t coming to stay with the other child - that’s the bit that’s not normal in a healthy family dynamic. Everyone’s entitled to their private thoughts but the right way to deal with it would have been for her to arrange each of you visiting at separate times, or after she’d already agreed to you both visiting at Christmas to say nothing.

I have got to say that over the years it's been often the case that she seems to favour one child over the other and especially the grandchild... I don't really understand it, surely you would be happy that both your kids stay at the sae time? Is it because she is older and finds it more work? I think the more the merrier but maybe I think that because when you are young you have more energy for visitors? I think I will just offer lots of help over the festive period to make it a bit easier on her (both my mum and my dad are both in splendid health thankfully)

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Caroparo52 · 16/12/2024 10:33

This isn't your problem to solve. Your dm needs to have that conversation if she finds hosting that many people too much. Maybe reassure her you will be actively helping her out with catering and domestic chores so she can spend her precious time with dgc

Original poster

turkeypasty · 16/12/2024 10:36

Caroparo52 · 16/12/2024 10:33

This isn't your problem to solve. Your dm needs to have that conversation if she finds hosting that many people too much. Maybe reassure her you will be actively helping her out with catering and domestic chores so she can spend her precious time with dgc

@Caroparo52 thank you that was actually lovely to hear, that it's not my problem to solve! You are right- I will just reassure her that I will be on hand to help. I still find it mean that she doesn't seem very excited for the other part of the family to arrive

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HPandthelastwish · 16/12/2024 10:38

Was it just clumsily phrased?

Unless you are religious Christmas is for children and wanting to spend more time with the grandchild/ren at Christmas and playing with them rather than sat chatting with the adults isn't completely unusual.

Original poster

turkeypasty · 16/12/2024 10:40

HPandthelastwish · 16/12/2024 10:38

Was it just clumsily phrased?

Unless you are religious Christmas is for children and wanting to spend more time with the grandchild/ren at Christmas and playing with them rather than sat chatting with the adults isn't completely unusual.

That's a fair point actually! Thank you!
I think the underlying thing for me is that I have the feeling that I am under a bit of pressure to always "provide" the one precious grandchild, but that's clearly my problem.

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NobleWashedLinen · 16/12/2024 11:50

No I don't think it's "mean" for a grandparent to "let slip" that they will find it quite overwhelming and stressful to be hosting 5 guests simultaneously and that the main regret from that is that she won't be able to enjoy the company of her grandchild as much. That seems like a reasonable position.

You and your sister need to confer to decide how you can lighten the load. You could zigzag your arrival and departure dates so that you only overlap with each other briefly (as you'll want to see each other obviously), or you could stay in a nearby hotel or airbnb, or arrange to pay for some restaurant meals, delivered meals or a chef-at-home service to reduce the pressure

Original poster

turkeypasty · 16/12/2024 12:48

NobleWashedLinen · 16/12/2024 11:50

No I don't think it's "mean" for a grandparent to "let slip" that they will find it quite overwhelming and stressful to be hosting 5 guests simultaneously and that the main regret from that is that she won't be able to enjoy the company of her grandchild as much. That seems like a reasonable position.

You and your sister need to confer to decide how you can lighten the load. You could zigzag your arrival and departure dates so that you only overlap with each other briefly (as you'll want to see each other obviously), or you could stay in a nearby hotel or airbnb, or arrange to pay for some restaurant meals, delivered meals or a chef-at-home service to reduce the pressure

Hmm... you have given me food for thought there... we have already staggered it and her boyfriend will only be here for like 2,5 days... I offered all the help imagineable in terms of household and food. I think for future visits absolutely I might mention to my sister that it might all get a bit too much for them. I just thought they would like to have us all- but maybe its just a bit much...

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