Do you think my mum was abusive ?

[Jumell]

I always hated school and dropped out of an A level course at 17. My mum had urged me actually/ she said “you could be out earning” because I wasn’t doing very well academically

in a taxi o the way home from shopping one day around this time she started crying silent tears and not giving me eye contact just looking stern - it made me feel really uncomfortable- her ‘crying’ was to do with me dropping out of school

it’s the type of crying someone does when they can’t get their own way - it had a very ‘narcissistic’ feel to it

this is against a backdrop of childhood abuse and dysfunction for context - mum once beat me severely when I was in nursery for not settling to sleep and was very remorseful next day - my dad just watched while this was happening

she was an alcoholic who used to call me “fat clumsy spoiled and selfish “

as an adult I feel that my mum was the most spoil selfish immature person I’ve ever known

The behaviour described in the 4th and 5th paragraphs is abhorrent abuse. Not sure why you have made the crying incident the focus of your post above this tbh. If you haven’t already, I would seriously consider therapy ❤️

Thank you

I appreciate it

I know what you’re saying - the crying incident is less ‘severe’ than the other examples but I guess I’ve spoken to people in RL more about the more ‘serious’ instances of abuse but not the crying one

thanks for taking the time to read this

Dear @Jumell I'm sorry you went through this. My short answer, based solely on what you've described here, would be: yes, she was.
However, as this is a very important topic (about which there seems to be much misunderstanding), I'd like to expand my answer. First of all, I'm not a professional expert on trauma and abuse, but I do speak from personal experience (and as this is an anonimous forum, you'll have to take my word for it).
Addicts are, generally speaking, abusive towards their loved ones. And wether your mum has indeed a personality disorder or "just" traits, narcissism does correlate with addiction: in other words, an addict is, per definition, self centered and thus oriented only toward their desires/interests (the object of addiction) so, on a practical level, they indeed function narcissistically.
Abuse is more common than people realise: we are all capable of infringing it. Children are the perfect targets because it is literally impossible for them to push back or defend themselves. When the abuser is the mother, it creates unparalleled sequels, as the perception of the world and of ourselves is damaged and distorted from the start. There's nothing comparable to it, in terms of what it does to the psyque's makeup.
Trauma occurs when there's sustained abused and also a lack of sufficient reparation. And trauma can be mapped in the body.
So, in this sense, you (your body) already know the answer to the question you posted: you'll have physical reactions to your exposure to your mother (reactions that range from mild anxiety, digestive issues, muscular tension, to more serious illnesses or psychological issues).
The important issue here is to find validation for your experience (I know "validation" has such a bad rep nowadays, but bear with me): it's almost sure that, precisely because of a lack of adequate mirroring from your mother when your brain was developing, you lack an appropiate sense of reality and thus you mistrust yourself. Here is when validation is key: you need that mirroring back of your own emotions so that you can see and accept them for what they are.
You can find validation in therapy (hopefully, if the therapist is a good one), but also in friendships, your partner, support groups (like forums!) and also from professional experts (books, documentaries, studies, etc).
I personally think therapy is necessary at one stage or another.
I'm going to take a look at my personal library and will come back with some suggestions.

Thank you so much - what you’ve said here has been so helpful

i also think that depression can make one function narcissistically /selfishly - it certainly did me when I suffered it