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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not invite my cousin's daughter to my son's birthday party?

15 replies

sleepymommy · 30/04/2008 23:27

I feel really mean about this, but there is a good reason.
We had a big family party about 6 weeks ago, which ended in a fight between 2 members of my family. The instigator of this fight was my 23 year old cousin. I stood up to try to stop the fight (simply because I was nearest) and my cousin shoved me so hard that I went flying and ended up on the floor. He's a big bloke, I'm 5 foot 2. He told me to stop whinging when I asked him for an apology. He and his sister and his dad then continued to cause trouble for about half an hour, being rude and disrespectful to lots of people, including my elderly grandad.
It is my son's 3rd birthday in a few weeks, and we're having a party at a playbarn. My cousin has a 5 year old daughter, but we haven't spoken to them since, and I do not want to make contact until I get an apology. If I don't invite her, she will be the only child in the family not there. There is no one willing to mediate, so if I invite her, I have to accept that her dad will bring her.
On the other hand, I do not want to spite the child.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:

WendyWeber · 30/04/2008 23:31

Hmmm - difficult one!

Given that her dad sounds like a nasty piece of work and not someone you want to get on the wrong side of - it sounds like you already are on the wrong side of him, so I think you should tell him his DD is welcome if he is prepared to apologise. If he isn't, she isn't.

edam · 30/04/2008 23:31

God, I'd leave them out! Shame for the child but I'm sure she will get to go to plenty of other parties. At any rate, you can't be expected to put up with this sort of idiotic behaviour from supposed adults. Why on earth should you risk your ds's party being ruined by these half-wits?

onebatmother · 30/04/2008 23:37

invite the little girl, but ignore parent that brings her?

As in 'oh [name of child], I'm so glad you've come! Is that a present for dd? How lovely, would you like to come and find her with me?]

Mature, but not doormat option iswim.

TotalChaos · 30/04/2008 23:39

I'm with Edam. I'ld let sleeping dogs lie.

nametaken · 01/05/2008 00:04

I'm with onebatmother

Original poster

sleepymommy · 01/05/2008 00:12

Thanks for the advice so far...I agree with all of it to an extent!!! Just can't choose which to actually do. We're a big family, and there have been many fueds in the past, between various different members, and there's always been a golden rule that you don't involve the kids. I'm thinking I might put the invitation through their door, and get someone to give them the message that if the dad comes, he'll be asked to leave, and let them decide on a solution. His mom might bring her...I'm not really talking to her either, as she is adamant that her kids (both adults) should not apologise for their behaviour at the party as they did nothing wrong!!! But I could be civil to her, wheras I don't think my husband could be in the same room as my cousin without losing his temper, and as edam says, why risk an atmosphere that would ruin the party?

OP posts:

Original poster

sleepymommy · 01/05/2008 00:14

That might not be clear..by 'his mom' i mean my cousin's mom, the child's grandmother.

OP posts:

Original poster

sleepymommy · 01/05/2008 00:14

That might not be clear..by 'his mom' i mean my cousin's mom, the child's grandmother.

OP posts:

soopermum1 · 01/05/2008 09:35

hmmm, difficult to let bygones be bygones. he assaulted you

dunno what to suggest but think you should stand your ground with cousin until an acknowledgement of the seriousness of the situation is attained by offending parties.

moopymoo · 01/05/2008 09:38

is there another member of your family that could bring her - one thats a bit in the middle. Make the invite just to the child and put on it that so and so will pick her up if she wants to come. I would really avoid having the dad there if at all poss as the danger is a row will become the focus of your sons birthday.

MrsCarrot · 01/05/2008 09:42

I'd probably say that you don't want to leave her out, so could someone could drop her at the party as you don't want to see them after his despicable behavour. Ball is in their court then as you've invited her and made it clear they are not welcome.

MrsCarrot · 01/05/2008 09:43

agree with moopymoo, get another family member to bring her. If they say no then thats their decision.

Alderney · 01/05/2008 10:37

Is there anyone who wasn't involved in the incident 6 weeks ago who can bring her - another cousin, and Auntie or grandparent so that the child can be there but without its parents

Iamthedoctor · 01/05/2008 20:25

I think it is mean not to include th child - family rifts are very sad (although I can see why you are so upset!) - and i'm sure you don't want the kids all falling out? That would be such a shame.

If it were me, I would send an invite, but add a small note to your cousin along the lines of "Dear . We would really like it if you could drop off to the party. Harsh things were said, and we are all upset (you included, i'm sure), so I think a little more time would do the world of good, but for the kids, I think we should work at it"

Or something similar.

He may suprise you and come up with an apology.

onepieceoflollipop · 01/05/2008 20:28

Would your cousin (and his daughter) even be aware that this party is going on?

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