Naps during the day?

[Justwakeupplease]

DH works hard in a physically demanding job. He pulls his weight with cleaning and childcare and is overall great. However, I’m getting resentful that whenever it’s my turn to have a lie in at the weekend, he’ll then fall asleep on the sofa around midday. He often wants a nap on a weekend day regardless and I find it so unattractive. I get up with the baby first thing most days, work full time myself and do my share of the housework. I’m also exhausted but I don’t nap on the sofa while the kids are playing. I have another coffee and go to bed when they do if I am completely shattered. DH is a healthy man in his 30’s and I don’t get why this is a thing. My ex was like it too but I don’t know any women that require napping during the day to function.

Hones I'd find it more off putting if my partner regularly went to bed at the same time as the children. I love a nap and often have one at the same time as my toddler 🤷‍♀️

I'm a woman.

I had twins.

I definitely napped in the afternoons when they were asleep and sometimes when they weren't

I understand you don't find it attractive. That's up to you. If he is otherwise pulling his weight then it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

(I think you are probably getting all the responses because you said a woman would
Never nap and actually lots of them do)

A person feeling themselves on duty with thr children would not go and nap. OP I am with you. He's made you default parent and prioritised his own comfort. You need to talk to him about it. "Daddy's tired" is not a legitimate response to being on duty for the children because if he checks out that's like him saying "Fuck you, you do it" to his wife.

So does he pull his weight or not? Because the more you write the less it sounds like he does.

I’m a napper though, always have been to an extent but our lives are busy and work is full on so sometimes just half hour/an hour on the sofa is all I need. My DH does the same. No one is expected to sit in silence (if you’re really tired you go to bed!) so it’s just a doze to catch up.

Like others, I’ve had bloods done etc, I eat well, exercise, I’m just tired

I think it’s likely he does pull his weight but when she didn’t get the responses she wanted/expected, the OP has suddenly changed her tune so it sounds like he doesn’t.

The thing is, men have no problem prioritising themselves while women self-sacrifice. Then we feel resentment over it. Women need to prioritise themselves more as well. There’s nothing wrong with him napping but there is something wrong with you running yourself ragged. You need to have a discussion around this or the resentment is just going to grow and grow.

When the kids were young, I didn’t nap during the day, but I love a daytime nap now

I nap most days between work hours and childcare. Maybe he's exhausted?

I totally get what you mean. It is not the nap in itself, it's the fact that he is supposed to be looking after and engaging with the kids.

When he’s present, he’s a great and attentive dad. I was a SAHM until a few weeks ago so I think everyone is struggling with the change. DH is very hands on and will do everything I ask of him so I can’t complain, but like (probably lots of) other women, the mental load still falls to me. For example, he’s happy to do a food shop (if I give him a list), happy to cook (if I give him the meal plan and links to recipes), happy to go to soft play, swimming, any other child led activities (but expects me to plan and organise it) happy to give me a lie in (but then he’ll fall asleep on the sofa) - you get the gist.

I have brought it up before but he just gets very defensive and says he’s tired and can’t help it. Which is fine but I am also bloody tired and just have to cope.

By triggering, I assume you mean galling or upsetting.
Triggering 🧐

Napping is my favourite hobby 😂

If I've understood this correctly when it's his turn to do childcare so you can clean he naps. He also gets more lie ins. So it feels unbalanced to me.

OP, are you me? Very similar situation here too. It drives me bananas, I find it so self-centred.

However, I've come to realise that DP isn't a selfish arse, he just has the ability to prioritise his needs, and I really struggle to do the same.

Don't get me wrong sometimes he takes the absolute piss - 3 hour "nap"?! But I do think the issue is me, and even when I feel like I'm at the brink of exhaustion I feel responsible and can't give myself a break. Communication is key and I'm working on it.

I'd get the ick at someone going to bed when the kids do.

Men will always prioritise themselves and their needs. So you can either run around like a headless chicken or you make the same time for yourself. Not necessarily napping if that’s not what you fancy. But when he’s had his nice nap and is all refreshed for the gym you say ‘oh I was going to
go to yoga (or whatever) tonight sorry.

If you are both working full time it’s time for him to take over more of the mental load and make sure he shares everything. He may find he has a little less time to nap.

Also - just take yourself off for a day and leave him to it. You just need to make sure you have the same about of free time. Whatever you choose to do with that.

Kids don't need to be played with every waking minute. They need to learn to play independently.

Yes he is because she can do as she pleases while he's watching them. The 3 year old doesn't need playing with every minute they're awake. He's allowed to say he's tired.

when he's gaming, she can do as she pleases. She goes to bed, they're equally at home with the kids. She's no more looking after the kids than she is.

I get this Op.

On paper there’s nothing wrong with an adult having the occasional nap.

But it sounds like the problem is, it’s putting an unfair amount of work onto you. That he’s ending up with a lot more time to himself (the nap being part of that) than you are, including a lot more time to rest.

Plus if he then has time and energy for hobbies in the evening, it suggests he’s arranging his time so as to put more burden on you.

So in which case he’s not doing his fair share.

My exh was a napper - you would turn round in the middle of the day and he’d suddenly just be asleep.

I absolutely love a nap 😂 my children wake up ridiculously early.
I don't start work until 2pm and I'm about to try get an hours nap in

But also in my defence I have an iron levels of two so I constantly feel the exhaustion. My dp says I'm lazy

I can relate to both sides. I used to find it so lazy that people would nap in the day, but as I’ve got older and had some health and life complications I have sometimes loved to have a nap. I realise I have issues about it because my mother always really disapproved of naps and laziness of any kind and is the sort of person who would never admit to any weakness or illness in herself.

I wonder if you have preconceived ideas that stem from childhood or past experiences in a similar way OP? If he’s good the rest of the time then it’s understandable that he likes a nap sometimes. But it’s hard when children are small because the other parent is then left with the kids.