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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I protect DC from family issues?

13 replies

IdleIdleIdle · 15/12/2024 22:31

My parents' parenting has influenced mine in that I try to avoid being at all like them.

I'm essentially NC. They haven't seen DC for some time but I haven't told (teen) DC I don't want to see them because I would have to lie about the reasons or hurt DC with the truth. The truth would certainly hurt and upset DC, so I have been protecting them.

At Christmas it's hard to navigate, particularly as other family members get involved and there's emotional blackmail in play. I'm feeling backed into a corner where I have to tell DC or they will be confused or even blame me.

Do I suck it up and never tell DC they have such shit GP and therefore appear myself to be the villain?

OP posts:

Hyperquiet · 15/12/2024 22:39

I dont get why you have to tell them something you don't want to? Also, are they old enough to handle the reasons if you tell them diplomatically. Or tell them in an age-appropriate way.

Octavia64 · 15/12/2024 22:43

You don't have to tell dc the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

You can stick to, for example, we don't really get on, or personality clash, or grandma X has some problems with Y.

Original poster

IdleIdleIdle · 15/12/2024 22:43

If I'm vague they will ask me endless questions and get frustrated. So I've been avoiding saying anything at all.

OP posts:

Sportacus17 · 15/12/2024 22:43

I am NC with my mother and her husband after enduring a very abusive childhood. My daughters have asked if Granny is alive, why don’t we see our granny (naturally as their friends have lovely grandparents). I have been honest and said yes they are alive but we don’t see them as they aren’t very kind people and they weren’t kind when I was young, and seeing them makes me sad. My daughters have accepted this and haven’t asked for more info (they are 5 and 7). Inthe future they may ask more about it - I will spare them the gory details or anything that will upset them…. but I will be honest (in a very general sense) about why I don’t want to see these people!

what I mean is - you can tell your children why you are NC without upsetting them.

Original poster

IdleIdleIdle · 15/12/2024 22:51

I haven't been NC the whole time. I've always been LC but DC have had them somewhat around until an incident that I felt crossed a line and made me regret ever involving them.

They aren't geographically close by so it's easy not to see them and they generally don't bother us, except at Christmas when the emotional blackmail starts.

OP posts:

Sportacus17 · 15/12/2024 23:30

If it’s other family members emotionally blackmailing you - I have been there and made it clear that I won’t be pushed and the subject is closed. The term “flying monkeys” springs to mind. You may find the Stately Homes threads on here helpful.

CraftyOP · 15/12/2024 23:45

You should tell the truth in an age appropriate way. Being separated from family and not knowing why is hurtful in itself, give your reasons but yes, you're accountable for your decision as your parents are for theirs so honesty makes sense. Otherwise children think it's them to blame

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 15/12/2024 23:50

IdleIdleIdle · 15/12/2024 22:31

My parents' parenting has influenced mine in that I try to avoid being at all like them.

Do I suck it up and never tell DC they have such shit GP and therefore appear myself to be the villain?

I personally would not lie, but tell them the truth in an age appropriate way without trauma dumping on them. It can be as simple as “my parents are not nice to children” or they “don’t like children very much” when very young and then you can divulge more as/when they are older in response to questions.

Your DC’s safety depends on this. You are someone they trust, and lying would break that trust.

daffodilandtulip · 16/12/2024 06:47

I said things like, their relationships aren't healthy and their views aren't ones that belong in our family. As time has gone on, I've given them little snippets and examples. But I agree, you are seen as the villian a little, until they are old enough for the truth.

Commonsense22 · 16/12/2024 07:05

If your DC is a teen, they should be old enough to know the truth baring exceptional circumstances. It's always more damaging to leave things unsaid IMO.

ExtraOnions · 16/12/2024 07:11

When your children become adults they may choose to have a relationship with thier Grandparents, so you need to make sure both they, and you, are best prepared for this.
GP might treat them very differently, than GP treated you (that very much happened in my case), and that relationship might be fine. Alternatively they might be awful, and your children will learn this themselves.

GreyCarpet · 16/12/2024 07:29

OP, I've been nc with my mother for nearly 13 years.

My children are now 18 and 26. They were 6 and 13 when I did it.

I did it for a combination of reasons. Like you, I was already LC with her and the children had spent very little time with her without supervision. Nearly 13 years ago, something happened that caused the police and SS to be very briefly involved and the outcome of that was going nc. Due to the nature of it, I wasn't actually allowed to tell the children why I had gone nc with her. The children are aware it was serious - my son took a call from the police and they both spoke with the SW.

They still don't know. One day, I will be able.to tell them but l, as yet, I can't.

I gave them part of the truth in an age appropriate way. I have talked about how things were when I was growing up but vaguely and without detail. It was something they brought up periodically and I gave them more detail as they were older. It's so different to their experience that they can't really comprehend it and the youngest has thrown back at me that she will go nc with me for very basic parenting things like wanting her to keep her room tidy! But that's just normal.

They will have questions and that's OK. They are people too and she is their family too. Of course they are going to ask.

I would reflect back on the questions they have asked, the things they clearly want to know, what you are prepared to share and open up a conversation with them. You can tell them that you understand they have questions but there is information it wouldn't be appropriate for them to have right now but you've given them something.

If you start a conversation with them intending to answer some of the questions they've asked before, with your narrative prepared, you are in control of it. Rather than feeling blindsided by their questions.

In terms of why we finally went nc, I've explained that I can't tell them that yet but I will be able to in the future and when I can, I will. I've also told them that they will understand both why it was necessary and why they couldn't be told sooner. They accept that because I've always communicated with them about it and they trust me.

Good luck.

GreyCarpet · 16/12/2024 07:39

It can be as simple as “my parents are not nice to children”

Yes, I started off by saying my mum didn’t/doesn't know how to keep children safe and that that is our most important job as parents.

As they were older, it became she was unable to prioritise children's needs over her own wants and that caused her to make decisions that had harmed me as a child and put them at risk of harm as children.

Maybe that could help you OP?

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