How do I get DP to cover up less?

[toomuch90]

OK this is gonna be a bit of a weird one.

My DP has had various insecurities about his looks for as long as I've known him. He has been very bothered about losing his hair for years, constantly goes round the house with caps and hoods on etc. and recently got a hairpiece, which he claims to love but he's constantly faffing with it. I don't mind all this as such but sometimes he'll wear all this to bed as well, claiming he's cold but I know he's doing it to hide his head. He'll wear it all when in public about 95% of the time, including at parties etc so people don't really see his face. We've been turned away from restaurants and bars before as he keeps his cap on. He's also slightly overweight, so wears a t-shirt even when we're intimate and has always preferred positions where I can't see him e.g. spooning or doggy. I really want a closer emotional connection while I'm physically intimate with him, but he has always been skittish about it. Recently he's also started going off prolonged kissing as well, which I miss, saying he's just not often in the mood for it.

How can I boost his confidence about his looks? I'm often saying to him how handsome he is, specific things every day about what looks or feels or smells good about him, which he seems to appreciate but he's still so critical about himself and still covers up. Occasionally he'll joke with me about his weight but the t-shirt will stay on during sex and something like a shower or bath together would be absolutely unheard of.

Alternatively should I back off completely and let him chill out about it all? I don't want to put more pressure on him about our intimacy, as he already has a lower libido than me and I wait for him to initiate every time, as the rest of our relationship is great, but I miss feeling as physically connected to him in bed.

Oh this wouldn't work for me. I say this as someone whos been this insecure in the past 🥺

He needs time to deal with his problems and love himself, and i don't think you can help him do that, op x

He needs therapy to unpick the why's

This is sad but you sound lovely. Could you help him to lose weight? Exercise together, cook/eat lighter food? Or is he not actually in bad shape?

Thanks for the replies. He's not actually in bad shape at all IMO, his diet is OK, he's just quite sedentary lately due to his work and the weather. I feel like he'd find something to obsess over with his looks no matter how fit he was, tbh. He was badly bullied as a child and he's naturally sensitive so I want to tread carefully with this

Maybe i could start slow? E.g. saying I really like naked cuddling under the duvet or whatever! Problem is when he's in the mood the passion suddenly escalates so it's either 20% or 110% and not much in-between!

Oh dear he sounds like the male equivalent of me! It sounds very off putting when you see it typed out. He needs to find peace with himself especially his baldness, accept the things I cannot change and all that. No idea how, I'm the last person who would know.

He's going to lose his hair much more quickly if he never gets sunshine on his head.

Oh I feel for him, being this insecure is not fun at all. I feel for you too as it does have a knock-on effect.

Is he going noticeably bald? My DP was, and was very self-conscious about it. I never mentioned it, just waited for him to, but he finally asked me to shave his head during lockdown and it looked SO much better than either of us thought it would. I love it and can’t imagine (or even remember!) him with hair now. The grade 0 didn’t suit him so he grew it out a little bit and just has a grade 1 now, but still looks almost bald as he has very fair hair. Would your DP try a buzz cut? It’s done wonders for my DP’s confidence.

I’d suggest shaving his head and being done with it. Wearing a hairpiece in bed is extreme. Why would anyone care how much hair he has or hasn’t got?

He's tried all variations of haircut and yes is pretty much bald on top now. I really don't care what he looks like as long as he's clean (he spends way more time grooming himself than I do!). But he insists he looks bad and won't brave the bald.
It's his insecurities about nakedness and sex that bother me most - I am finding it all so unusual as in my prior experience men couldn't get their clothes off fast enough!

This

Nah. He needs to sort himself out so he can do the normal things in a relationship.

My husband started thinning on top quite young but didn't have the gradually increasing forehead that many men have. It was the monks tonsure look!
After he badly burnt the top of his head one summer, (not enough hair to protect from the sun, too much hair to use suncream) I encouraged him to have a buzz cut.
Looks miles better and now the first thing you notice about him are his lovely blue eyes and not the thinning hair.

DH was passing through Istanbul airport recently en route to LHR from the ME and a significant proportion of men getting on his flight had just had hair transplants. I know less than nothing about them, the cost, or how effective they are now, but I mean, if losing his hair is really bothering him, he has options other than ‘grin and bear it’ or ‘buzz cut’.