I’ve just come home from my daughter’s 7th Birthday party and feel the need to vent!
I don’t have a fantastic relationship with my mum, she’s ok, I tolerate her, she gets on my every last nerve for various reasons, and I think that growing up we probably butted heads more than normal. She was a good mum, and I appreciate her for my upbringing, but since I’ve had my own DD I’ve found that I don’t like who my DD becomes when she’s with/around her, and my mum doesn’t have boundaries when it comes to old school attitudes towards other people, she has no filter and that dements me, massively.
I’ve never said much, I limit time DD has with her, it’s rare that she sees her more than once a month for an hour or so, I can control it and that works for us.
NOW, she was insistent on coming to DD party today, even though it was just for the kids in a trampoline centre. whatever, fine, but I find that she’s rude, annoying and grinds my gears in so many ways, and she’s spoilt my day as she usually does. Forever passing judgement on things that don’t concern her. For example, we don’t let our dog on the sofa, never have. He’s a well looked after dog, a large Labrador who sheds a lot, and personally we wouldn’t ever have dogs on furniture, nothing against anyone who does, but it’s just our decision, and he gets plenty of love and cuddles. Anyway, told her I’d bought him a new bed today, making conversation, and her response straight away way “you wouldn’t have to if you let him on the sofa, it’s cruel, he’s part of the family, it’s his home too”, then proceeded to tell me to get a different sofa so he could go on it (we have 3 brand new sofas in two rooms, why would I ever buy another just for a dog) this is after she told me that my dog BROKE her sofa in half with his weight jumping on it. I just had to walk away, because I didn’t ask for her opinion and it’s driving me nuts, she makes a comment on it every single time she sees us.
But the real star comment of the day that p’d me off beyond what I thought was possible…
I am 36 weeks pregnant, my SIL who brought my nephew to the party asked if I’m excited etc and if I have my CS booked. I told her I had a date but I’m pushing it back to late week 41, as I’d like to try and go natural again, as I found the CS recovery so hard and I had a lot of bleeding during my last one, this time I have extremely low HG levels and Iron, I’m already on tablets but nothing has worked and I’ve been told I could need a transfusion after pre-op to be on the safe side.
Anyway, I have a lot of food for thought, and I’d really like to try again naturally. My past labour ended in EMCS as DD got stuck in my pelvis, and unstuck herself as I went into theatre, so it wasn’t an emergency as such, just that I was exhausted and wanted to take what I thought was the easy option, than push her out with little energy.
Consultant assured me that shouldn’t happen again, said it rarely happens twice and second labours are usually faster. May not be the case, but I can certainly go for VBAC if thats my wish.
After I told my SIL I was going to try for a VBAC, My mum pulled a look of horror, squirmed and said NO you need to have a section, you can’t go through that again, I snapped and said “I’m sorry? Were you there during my labour? Do you know why I had a section last time?” She makes out that she’s looking out for me and she doesn’t want to bare the thought of me in pain, for something women do every single day around the world, I handled it fine last time until the very end when things went a bit t*ts up!
she also caused a HUGE scene straight after my birth with DD because I hadn’t told her I was in labour (because I’m not close to her and didn’t want her mithering) ended up at the hospital effing and jeffing because my MIL and FIL knew I was in labour - purely because my husband works with his dad as they run a company and he needed the time off so they had to know!!!
Anyway, whilst I’d lost 2L in blood and had internal bleeding, she insisted on causing a scene, changing babies first nappy without my approval in the hospital, and giving DD a bottle when I was breastfeeding. She had judgement on that too, of course, I shouldn’t breastfeed, it’s all nonsense, formula is fine. (Of course formula is fine, but it’s none of her business what I choose to do).
Recently she asked for our baby name, we told her we had a few but liked Mylo, her response was “you can’t call him that, it’s a dogs name” which just made me so angry. It’s not the name we’re going for, but we do love it.
She asked me again a few weeks back, I told her we have another name but I wouldn’t be sharing it until he’s born, because we didn’t want any judgement.
I am at my wits end with her and I don’t want her involved with my family any more, I can’t tolerate her whilst pregnant, she’s so negative and so incredibly thick. For example, the last time I asked her to look after DD during school hols, I found out she let DD pick up a dog poo in a doggy back, proceed to throw the bag around, until the bag burst and DD covered herself in dog sh*t!!!! My mum found it hilarious, whilst I was seething that she’d allow such a thing to happen, dog doo doo can make children blind, and apparently it was on her face and in her hair etc, instead of taking her home and cleaning her up, she took her to the shop for sweets and let her eat them with dirty hands!!! I am absolutely disgusted in her and I found this an act of child abuse, whilst she found it hilarious.
She also makes a habit of referring to my nephew playing with dolls or wearing anything pink, he’s 4, and the coolest kid I know. My SIL is a twin and has a gay brother, and my mum often refers to it “not being right” that my DN plays with dolls and how he will end up like “one of them”. The amount of times I’ve corrected her and said boys and girls can play with anything they like and wear what they like is obscene.
She once told my I shouldn’t let DD do gymnastics as she would end up with muscles!!!!!! It blows me away, honestly.
Today at DD party I found that she constantly tried to get DD attention and was always standing with her or next to her or talking to her, at one point I said she’s here with her friends mum, let her play, she only has an hour!!! Then started picking away at the birthday cake that cost us an arm and a leg, before it had even been lit.
She tries to touch my bump without asking me, with grinds my gears, I feel anger from her touching me without approval. I know I shouldn’t, she’s my mum, but don’t have that closeness to her, so it makes me really angry.
I know I need to open my mouth and speak to her, but for some reason, and I can’t quite put my finger on it, there’s some deep rooted trauma in me that makes me never want to speak my mind for fear of upsetting her, but now I’m just at my wits end, there’s been so much going on and I’m just done with her negativity, her idiotic ways, her ignorance to the world, and her lack of care. I don’t want her in my DD or soon to be DS life right now, I’m already dreading her being around after he’s born.
I’m also really hoping my VBAC does go well and I can shun her horror stories she likes to remind me of at 8 months pregnant.
sorry for the waffle, I just had to unload, I don’t like to keep complaining to DH about her, as I don’t want to turn into the negative Nancy that she is.
I’m not looking for answers on what to do, more that I’m wondering if anyone else can relate. It often makes me sad I don’t have a good mother daughter relationship, and I went through a period of really trying, but she’s impossible and I’ll never have that.