To spend Christmas alone

[Daffyducklet]

I'm early sixties, three adult children, none at home, one grandchild, DM elderly, no other family. I was supposed to spend Christmas day with DP, both mums and eldest DD and her partner, then visit DS and his family on boxing day. I've spent all week running DM around to appointments and helping with shopping etc. I have had depression and anxiety for many years and am now at my wits end.

I've discussed opting out of these two days with DP. I don't think he's very happy about it, but I think he understands.

I've touched on it with eldest DD, who is fine with it. She's visiting from abroad and they're staying at mine, I was supposed to stay at DP's.

I'm going to discuss it with the others. I think DM will be the only one who has a problem with this. She has this idea of the perfect family Christmas, but the reality is both DP and I having to drive, cook, clean and do everything for both elderly mums.

I've done this every year, but this year I'm really struggling and just can't do it anymore.

Has anyone else opted out of these days and stayed alone?

Has your mother got somewhere else to go? What about your daughter? I have to admit I find it odd that you wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with your daughter and grandchild, but horses for courses I suppose.

So would your daughter be spending Christmas with you (as in eating Christmas dinner etc) if she's staying with you anyway? Where would your DM go?

I fantasise about it.
Do it.
It‘s two days which otherwise will be harried stressful.

Eldest DD and partner would spend Christmas day with DM. DS spending Christmas day with his DP, step kids and baby son. Youngest DD never spends Christmas with us, doesn't like celebrating Christmas.

I'm happy to spend the other days with them all, just fed up of the expectations from everyone.

Obviously do whatever you like however the only problem with this approach is when you do want company over Christmas everyone may have got used to going elsewhere and you will no longer be a consideration.
If its the cooking and cleaning up that's putting you off why don't you just ask the other adults to get of their arses and help you?
You could even strip it right back, perhaps buy pre made starters and dessert and just do a normal roast dinner.

Do it, OP, it sounds wonderful and what you need. You've done your bit, it's time to do what's right for you.

Could you think of what you could cope with. Your daughter and her partner will be at yours anyway. Talk to your eldest daughter and partner and work out a plan where everyone does their share.

Perhaps your daughter could pick your mum up.

If your daughter her partner go to your muns will they be cooking the Christmas dinner there?

I think the part I can't cope with is the travelling on boxing day tbh. I don't drive much and not long distances. DP has announced he's not coming.

Currently my DM has increasing care needs, she lices with us so there is no respite, her care needs have worsened so much in the last few months that as of the 15th Dec I don't have any decorations up, I've no Christmas tree, bought only a handful of presents and that's been online delivered to the door and in my mind it may as well be the 20th June considering how festive I feel.

I fully understand why you want to check out and just ignore the day. Do as you need to in order to get through the day. Do not feel any guilt or pressure from anyone, do what is best for you.

If anything, spend the day with someone who would be otherwise alone or who would enlighten and brighten your day, Is there any way you can reduce the pressure, minimise the effort of the day, don't spend the day with anyone who would increase your stress, load guilt, moan about anything etc.

YANBU I'm doing the same.

All I'd say is if that means DP now needs to do Xmas day at his for him and his Mom, let them know quickly so he has time to sort food etc.
otherwise, do what you need to do to look after yourself

I don’t see why not, sort yourself out an easy meal and put your feet up. You deserve a break as much as anyone else.

No-one should expect you to run yourself into the ground to provide what they can sort out between themselves.

I think it’s fine to spend Xmas alone OP

You must do what you honestly feel is best for yourself in the circumstances

other people need to learn to adapt

Sounds a bit sad either way you slice it, OP. It’s not like you are saying that spending it alone would bring you great joy, it’s more resentment. Can you actively seek the Christmas you want? Not just the opposite of the one that you’re fed up with. What about a restaurant? Or meeting your family for a picnic then a walk and the all going your separate ways? Pub? Church?

I don't mind being alone tbh, I'd enjoy it. However I've agreed to be with them on Christmas day, but not on boxing day. I've yet to tell DM this, she won't take it well, but my DDs are behind me.