Just found out I’m pregnant and shocked at how I’m feeling

[Wehadfireinoureyes]

Hi all,

N/C’d for this.

I found out last night that I am pregnant with baby number 2. DD is 19 months old. DH and I had been talking about a second for a few months, had both said we felt ready, but decided to wait as we felt DD wasn’t quite ready yet. She’s in a very clingy phase with me at the moment and gets rather irate if she feels she has to share me. For example, if I give someone a hug, she doesn’t like it and gets a bit worked up/upset. She isn’t talking yet either which also isn’t helping, and she uses pointing/gesture and whining/crying to communicate.

Because of all this, our plan had been to wait until she turns 2, in less than 5 months time, and then start ‘actively trying’. However, in the mean time, we weren’t exactly being careful, as we knew we wanted a second one and so if it happened before she turned 2, so be it. Well…it happened. It’s come as a shock as I was tracking ovulation and thought we were in the clear, but it seems as though I’ve ovulated 4-5 days after having sex, and clearly there’s been some sperm still alive in there! I knew this was possible so I don’t know why it’s come as such a shock to be honest, but it has.

I’m writing this because, after finding out yesterday, I feel somewhat numb. There was the shock of the positive test, but then I expected to feel excited, happy. We wanted a second, now we’re having one. Instead I feel terrified, and so so incredibly guilty. I had such a wonderful morning with DD yesterday, just me and her, and my first thought after seeing the positive test was that I have so much less time with her than I thought, for it to just be me and her, and I felt so horrendously guilty about it that I started crying. And then I got upset for feeling all these negative emotions about the pregnancy, and I felt guilty for not feeling all excited and happy, and that made me even more upset. When we got pregnant with DD it happened incredibly quickly (honeymoon baby after agreeing to start trying as soon as we got married) so it was a shock, but an incredibly happy shock. This time around, I’m shocked and struggling to find the happiness, even though this is a very much wanted second child.

I guess I’m just writing this wondering if there’s anyone out there who’s gone through something similar. I think the combination of it happening 5 months sooner than we’d originally planned (although this is entirely our fault as we weren’t actively avoiding pregnancy, we just weren’t specifically going to try for another 5 months) alongside the intense feelings of guilt surrounding my first born has just really done a number on me. I found out the news less than 24 hours ago and I’m really struggling to process. DH is also feeling anxious, but is handling it better than me and is doing his best to reassure me, but I’m struggling. I just never expected to be feeling like this at the news of a very much wanted second child. I’m just feeling completely wracked with guilt - guilt for my first born, but also guilt that I’m not feeling happy and excited about the baby I’m expecting.

Mother nature finds a way I'm afraid. Take it one day at a time, you will get used to it eventually.x

I'm sure the rest of MN will come on here, and tell you your feelings are entirely normal. If you don't want to get pregnant,use contraception,yes, and they will all come and say they did and it failed.... not usually without good reason.."we", didn't get pregnant...you did! I know in some circles it's accepted that men with uteruses get pregnant, nope.. I used to work in an infertility clinic. There was no apps, tracking,etc in those days, over 40 years ago, have sex hopefully get pregnant,if that's what you want. You do have a choice about whether to continue with this pregnancy or not. My gd was 16 months when my GS was born,I was looking after her, I took her in to see mum and baby, she went straight over and hit her mum, she had never done it before. They're teen-agers now, constant bickering and physical fighting. They might be best mates,who knows. No one can decide for you, and unfortunately you cannot see the future.

DD will be 28 months by the time new baby arrives and will be a bigger and more confident child by then. The clinginess will probably pass and things will all look different. So you'll have a great time. Congratulations.

It wouldn’t matter if you had a 10 year gap between your children. You would still feel as though you were taking something away from one by having another, mine in their 20s now and they regularly ask why did you have him/her?
All five of them wanted to be only children and remind me constantly, but they do love each other and I love them so that’s that

congratulations! What strange responses you’re getting. I do think it’s normal to feel split and like you’re losing something of the close one to one relationship with your firstborn. Often you can’t imagine that you’ll feel just as close with two children. But you will be! And your DD will be 9 months older and may well be a lot less clingy then and I think it’s good that it’s well before she starts school so she gets to enjoy time with her little brother or sister for a year.
allow yourself to feel what you feel, and I’m sure in time you’ll be looking forward to the arrival of your second baby as much as ye first.

Congratulations!

You have to remember that when the baby is born, DD will be 9 months further along, she won't be like she is today. 9 months is a really long time in the development of a little one, you're going to be absolutely fine.

In one way you are taking away being the only child but in another way you are giving them something - a sibling which may or may not be a good thing. You can only see this once they are adults (plus their children have cousins)
Early days yet. Enjoy these last few months with your only child then enjoy your time with two or more children - it will all go too fast

Congratulations. I felt the same guilt about my first but it’s lovely watching the relationship my two have.

The smaller age gap may well be beneficial. I have seen so many examples of 3 year age gap being the most tricky if the older child is prone towards jealousy as they can clearly remember the ‘before’ and feel usurped. A smaller age gap can really help. It’s obviously impossible to generalise and depends on the personality of the child and the dynamics of the family.

The feelings of guilt will pass. Good luck with it all!

Your feelings are normal. Almost everyone feels guilty when they get pregnant again and then look at the unknowing little innocent thing clinging to us sweetly! I actually think it’s a great age gap having come out of the other side. More time together to enjoy the same things before the grumpy preteen years hit.

OP, your body doesn’t know whether you’re ‘actively trying’ or not. If you have unprotected sex, you’re just as likely to get pregnant when not ‘trying’ as when you’re TTC. You don’t need to try to make yourself feel any particular way about this pregnancy. If it’s definitely the wrong time, you have the option of not continuing it. Best wishes either way,

I think it will be absolutely fine. You have another 8 and a bit months before your other dc arrives. Your daughter will be older, and things will be different. I had 2 dc close in age. Dc2 was born when dc1 was 21 months old. Everything was fine. There was enough love and attention to around. They are 11 and 12 now. They have their moments where they argue, but on the whole, they love each other and are great friends.

But if you think about it, the second one will never have just you and her/him time, so baby 1 has had something baby 2 won’t. Therefore feeling guilt over taking it away doesn’t make sense unless you feel guilty that child 2 wasn’t also child 1?

I think it is normal to feel this way and I think you will all be absolutely fine!

When my brother was born when I was 2 and a half, my mum cried to the health visitor because she thought she had ruined my life. Of course, she had not! It was a nice age gap for me and my brother and I wanted similar for my kids.

I desperately wanted a small gap and 2nd baby, but when I got pregnant, I felt so guilty. Ds was so small (15 months) and like pp, I felt like I was taking something from him. He was just 2 when dc 2 was born and has never really known any different. It's been handy in getting all the baby stuff out of the way and meaning that everything we do is appropriate for both ages.

It will all work out op !! Honestly it will. You have a long time until new baby arrives

I just think you are in shock 💐

It’s a lovely age gap OP. It’ll feel weird for a while and that’s normal. Think of it as something you are giving her, not something you are taking away.

I have two DDs with a similar age gap. Now aged two and four and mostly the best of friends.

Our second was very much wanted and I was happy when I found out I was pregnant the second time, so I didn’t have the same experience that you’re having now. However I do recognise some of the guilt you’re feeling and the worries you’re having as I had all of these through the pregnancy and especially once DD2 arrived.

Firstly, you do still have time just you and her, before the baby arrives. Your DD will be so much bigger once the baby arrives. Nine months is a huge amount of time in terms of her development. She will be talking and she will be able to understand much more. When we brought DD2 home, DD1 knew her name and was so excited to meet her and give her cuddles. It was absolutely magical. They are also close enough in age to enjoy a lot of the same things. I’m actually really glad we don’t have a bigger age gap, in that sense.

Secondly, your feelings are normal to have, and I relate to all the worry about your DD, and the impact of a sibling on her. I also worried about my DD2, and how she always had to share me and so often had to wait. I didn’t have all the time in the world for her, like I did with my first. You probably have all those worries yet to come.

However, worries and feelings aren’t facts. Fixating on them doesn’t make them true. You’re worrying about things that haven’t happened yet, and will be normal to them. They won’t know any different and they will still be happy and loved.

You’re also focusing on the (potential) negatives of having a sibling, and not the immense positives - even when it comes to having to share you. Not having your undivided attention all the time can be a good thing for children; it can build their tolerance, resilience, empathy, and patience. I personally feel that both my DC have benefitted so much from having the other one, and that DD1 is more well rounded because of DD2.

I honestly think you just can’t win as a mum! Your brain will find ways to make you feel awful, no matter what you do. Especially when it comes to your children. It might be that you just have to accept this is where you are right now, and know that you won’t feel this way forever. Really wishing you luck for your pregnancy.

We started trying at 12m for our 2nd, thinking it might take a while, and got pregnant straight after coming off the pill (19m between them). I wasn't exactly excited the whole pregnancy and anxious about what 2 would be like. You love them and it's just becomes how your family is. My 2 (currently 2 and 4) fight a lot but also clearly adore each other.

Congratulations!
Your reaction is a normal reaction to have, even when we want and/or plan big life changes, it can be unsettling and there's a period of adjustment emotionally (same applies to starting a new job, moving house, etc).
It will all be fine. Sit with the feelings for a bit and allow them to process.
The happy feelings will come for this baby that is wanted, and will be loved.

Everybody feels this. It's a weird aspect of motherhood. I sat up wide awake the night my second child was born worrying about my first child. Do you know what said first child said the second they woke up?

"Let's go see the baby"

The natural order of things is that this wee baby who's just made themselves known to you is going to be there for your oldest child long after you and your dh are dead and gone. A sibling is a great, great gift. People concentrate on how babies and children feel about it but it's actually about the adults they will become. 2.5 years is a great age gap. Congratulations.

I’ve small age gaps (currently 4, 3 and 1 - with 16 months between the older two) and while I understand the guilt, I’ve never seen it as “taking time away”. Instead, it’s mean more maternity leaves, so I’ve been able to spend more time at home with them in their early years. Yes they bicker; but they also seek each other out to play. I love the love they have for each other.

None of us can tell you how to feel, but I wanted to share as I wonder if some of what your feeling is also apprehension re the pregnancy itself? I HATE being pregnant, it’s not easy (and certainly not with older children to balance). I love my kids but even though they were very wanted - I don’t think I ever felt the same “excitement” as I did with my first pregnancy. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well at all but I’m trying to say that I felt a level of apprehension with each subsequent pregnancy that I think was normal!! (But I felt guilty for as we’re often told being pregnant is “wonderful, magical/congratulations etc”). Don’t get me wrong I knew how lucky I was - but the big emotions were more mixed: joy and fear, excitement and apprehension. Based on what I knew the next few months (and years) would look like.

I felt like this too. The second baby was much wanted but my first was only 14 months when I got pregnant and I felt worried and guilty the whole pregnancy especially when my milk
started drying up!

2nd baby is a year now and they really do love each other and have started playing so nicely, it’s definitely all worth it! Once they were born a lot of my concerns fell away. There will be times in the early days you feel torn between them and have a cry but we tried to have some 1:1 dates with our first so they still felt special. It’s never quite the same again with your first but you’re (hopefully) giving them a friend for life ❤️

Totally normal. I felt the same. My dd was 13 months when I got pregnant with dd2, I thought I wouldn’t be able to love them as much - I was wrong obviously. I have 3 now, 7, 5 & 3. None of them are worse off for the others existence, you just prioritise who needs you more depending on the day/time.

Hi OP. I'm currently pregnant having conceived when DS was 19 months. I think what you're feeling is normal. This pregnancy was very much planned but I still felt a bit numb with disbelief, a bit of panic and the guilt. Definitely not the same excitement as first time round (which I also have guilt about). There are quite a few threads on this if you have a look so you're not alone.

We made the decision because we wanted DS to have a sibling close in age. My sister and I are 10 months apart (what was my mum thinking?!) but we grew up together, liking the same things, doing things at similar stages and we're honestly the best of friends. I know you can't guarantee they will be best friends as adults but I think you're giving your daughter something lovely and you'll love watching them grow together.