Bullying - step daughter and work colliding

[DearHelper]

My husband has a young adult daughter. I’ve been in her life since she was 10 but due to many reasons we’ve never had a successful step mother /daughter relationship. Mostly due to poor boundary setting from both of her parents. I did try very hard to have a relationship with her but after years of being treated appallingly by the child, her mother and in part her father I gave up.

I’ll call the daughter Mary, not her real name, has a history of bullying at school. I’ve witnessed this in our own home when she’s retelling stories of events that happened and afterwards asked DH to address this. Due to the same boundary issues nothing was ever said and she continued.

I work with a parent of a child Mary has bullied. Mary and this child used to be very good friends. The parent of the bullied child has spoken to me about the bullying and knows my situation in that I’m a non-involved stepparent and her behaviour is nothing to do with me. We haven’t discussed it again.

At our Christmas party partners were invited. My DH couldn’t make it so I went alone. The other parent of the bullied child made it very obvious she feels I am to blame for Mary’s behaviour and made the whole evening difficult.

I am appalled by Mary’s behaviour as I would be by any bully but she’s not my responsibility and I’m angry to be blamed for it. Who is being unreasonable (apart from Mary).

If she was so awful and your DH did nothing why did you stay with him? And yes having an adult in a house that has no interest in them will impact a young person’s behaviour and attitude

Then you're almost entirely not culpable then. The only slight possibility, just playing devils advocate, and this is more his fault than yours, youre just a passenger - but did her father put you first (before her) when you started dating? That doesn't go down well with children. Not really your fault, although you might have been aware of it - but could be why the girls mum thinks you're responsible too. The whole situation, of which you are a part of, has contributed to this girl behaving how she does.

I understand why you've said this, but I disagree to a point.

If a family can manage a successfully blended situation, and the children thrive in that environment, it's to the credit of all of the adults. Unfortunately that doesn't happen often enough and some parents allow their hostility for each other to wreck any chance of 2 happy homes for their children. (Obviously excluding abusive scenarios).
My children have 2 step parents. One is wonderful and has an amazing independent relationship with the, now adult, children.
The other one is awful.
I absolutely give credit to the stepparent who is wonderful, whilst we all just pity the other one who has made life as difficult as possible and now is missing out on 2 decent people.
It can absolutely work, but some people just can't do it.

It sounds like her mother enabling and encouraging her behaviour is at the root of it but your husband should have done better.