Cringing at myself 6 months ago

[MamOfGoblins]

Not strictly AIBU. In August I posted on this topic asking whether I should take my ex of 10yrs to court over our child arrangements. The answer was a resounding yes. I did. It's ongoing so I can't say much but it's going well. He's proving himself to be abusive and manipulative of me and the kids. I got an interim 50-50 order so he can't just take them away as he used to as a "punishment" and also I have made a claim for child benefit for my first time ever as a parent (still waiting for them to make a decision). Also the court action has forced the deadbeat-in-situ to start contributing financially towards things our children need and actually spend time with them and treat them better. How long that lasts is a concern I'll bring up with the family court. My solicitor is amazing. I qualify for some legal aid due to the documented abuse. I don't think it could be going any better. The only thing I've struggled with is not being able to talk about it with anyone due to the children's act. It's a big thing to go through without being able to tell anyone at all.

All of the above is great and I look forward to the rest of my life for the first time... ever. But I'm not cringing at the people pleaser I was 6 months ago. Since overcoming my fear of confronting my ex I now feel so much more like the person I was before we met. I had convinced myself I had social anxiety. I don't. I had convinced myself I was an introvert. I'm not. I am getting up every day and putting makeup on. I don't care what anyone thinks about me. I have let so much go that I have been worrying about and I feel so full of life. Even though we have been separated since before our youngest was born, I feel like I've been living under his control and coercion ever since and now I feel so free. Tell me I haven't wasted 10yrs of my life being horrible to myself? I feel like I spent it preparing for this battle for my children's wellbeing.

Congrats OP it sounds like you’ve come out from the other side of an awfully dark place. Just look forward at life now, you’ve taken the lessons from the past and the bet is yet to come. Wishing you all the best!

Don’t cringe, pat yourself on the back.

@MamOfGoblins If you take a step aside and think of yourself as your best friend. Would you look down on that friend for being broken from abuse? Ofcourse not! Give yourself a hug. You have suffered enough so don't make yourself suffer for having suffered. Just breathe and be proud of yourself for having broken free from the internalized helplessness that comes from being abused. You have the right to be happy and proud of yourself and look at your old self with the empathy you would grant a friend. I wish you all the Best in life..💐

Don't cringe at who that arsehole made you.

Celebrate the person you w remembered you are and that you've had the confidence to re become (if that's a word 🤣)

I might not have used the right words tp describe how I feel... it's all just on my mind today as statements were exchanged and his reads like some clown manifesto. I realised I wasn't worried even though he's made up horrible lies about me. I belive the term is DARVO from the courses I've been on. Old-me would be in floods of tears thinking that people would believe him, but I actually laughed when I read it because I am able to think more clearly now. I'm happy for myself at being able to enjoy my life and my children because if they thought I was a good mum before (they do - and this was all prompted by my eldest wanting to live with me), then imagine how good of a mum I can be without someone putting me down and belittling me all the time.

I think my post said something like "he's a good dad but..." and someone pointed out that if he'd done all those things, he is not a good dad. It's statements like that I can't believe I came out with. I know why I said it and how I was thinking, but I feel like a totally different person now.

You are looking at this backwards. Instead of cringing at the person you were 6 months ago, be incredibly proud that that person became you now in the space of 6 months! What a transformation!

It sounds as if you were on a beach and your ex was gradually covering you up with sand, but now you have stood up it has all fallen away, You weren't adding the sand to yourself, that was all him,

I think it's just old habits - I've got my confidence back but I need to work being kind to myself. It will happen :)

Please don't spend another moment on this negative self talk. You have been so strong but that voice in your head is one we all have to challenge. When it starts up look in the mirror and tell yourself what you've done to change your life around, how you've looked after yourself and your family and that you're doing great. It'll take a while but your next challenge is to stand up to that voice and overcome it. It's tough but totally worth learning to love yourself.

Abusive relationships are like the proverbial frog in a pot of water. When you are with an abuser they intentionally keep you off balance so you don't have time to stand back and see the bigger picture. They drain your energy by making you question everything you thought you knew about yourself. No one starts a relationship with an abuser but plenty leave one, they are masters of false advertising.

Don't feel embarrassed at all. You have got yourself and your life back, be proud.

In your post you said you're not cringing - is that correct? The comments are responding as though you are cringing! Either way, it's great if you're not cringing at your past behaviour which was heavily influenced by an abusive person. Do you think other victims should cringe? Probably not.

I wonder if he is now cringing at the way he treated you? I bet he isn't. Put the blame for this right back where it belongs.

What a fabulous description!

OP you are now kicking sand in his face!😆