Reverse - Bipolar

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Reverse

I’m a man, married to a Bipolar wife (10 years) We are both in our 40s and DW was diagnosed in her 20s long before we got together.

Over the summer DW had a serious manic bipolar episode (sectioned twice)

DW is now out of the episode and back to normal.

As a husband I feel embarrassed and deeply ashamed about my wife’s actions and I can’t talk to any of my friends or family about what happened. My DW doesn’t remember much which means it’s hard to talk to her.
I can’t get over it.

DW is a stay at home mum and adores our young kids. I am the sole earner. It’s affecting my life and job and relationships.

I tried calling the GP for support, they promised a phone call back from mental health but it never happened.

My DW has so much support from her doctors but I have zero.

As a husband what do I do?? My wife isn’t strong enough to support us both.

Thank you.

I don't understand what you've done here in staying it's a reverse. So you're the wife?

Samaritans staff are trained to signpost to other charities. It might be worth inquiring. And therapy.

I can only say it from the other side. I am bipolar but I'm very lucky that the majority of the time I am fine.
All I can say is that I know for my very loving husband it has been incredibly stressful. If she was ill in the summer she will very much still be ill but just in recovery. Is she happy to be open about it?
I am very open and I feel that this has been very beneficial for my husband and my recovery, however I know this can be hard n. Also I have been they open with my children which helps them understand a bit.
If you are embarrassed she will be 10 times fold. Whatever she did when she was manic isn't her fault and isn't the real her. What is is understandable if this was public that it is embarrassing.
The best thing to do is to talk about it firstly with her and then then family.
When I was manic I got naked, I spent money, I was rude to people, none of this was my fault and none of this is something I would do if I wasn't ill.

The first time it happened I was a teenager and I said to my mum "does everyone know what happened" she told me everyone did and that because we live in a small town it was she then said "you are ill. If anyone judges you on this they are not your true friends and fuck them". It was the best thing that anyone could have said and I have lived by that motto ever since.

I now have lots of friends, anyone that ever judged me on it I keep out of my life. It's an illness just as any of her and if I'd had cancer and people who are treated me differently as a result I equally would have got them out of my life.

I hope you can stand by your wife I know it's incredibly hard. My husband is very loving and very supportive but I know it was very traumatic for him.

I wish you both the best.

Thank you so much @Moonlightstars 🩷

You have my sincere sympathy OP.

My mum had BPD and was sectioned several times during my childhood and beyond. Police were involved on occasions.

It is a very frightening experience for loved ones and you've had a trauma.

Mum was so high that she had no concept of what it was like for outsiders and fought treatment tooth and nail.

It's imperative that you talk to someone about your feelings, even ones you are not proud of.

In my experience, you can only heal once you've been able to get yourself some support. Posting here is an excellent first step, so well done.

I'm not sure if this is a reverse in the traditional sense, and you are the wife? But anyway, I'd remind the husband in this scenario that he can end a relationship fit any reason he likes. Just because DW is ill, it doesn't mean he has to stay in the relationship if it no longer works for him.

That said, I'd remind him that therapy is available and can be really successful in helping to process his thoughts and feelings, getting over pain, shame and trauma. I'd recommend finding a therapist he feels comfortable with to chat to and make sure that he's deeply in touch with his own wants and needs.

This is my take as DW to a chronically ill person. My partner's actions have affected me deeply and derailed huge parts of my life when in crisis. I've spent too long feeling powerless and turning to despair. It's been important for me to re-find my own agency, to be clear that staying is an active, positive choice and not a guilt-ridden, resentful one. That's the only way I think a relationship can work.

Could you help your husband find a trained counsellor?

I have bipolar and my DH has coped with so much over the years. The shame of manic episodes has caused suicidal depression in the past. For 10 years I have been on Lithium and Fluoxetine after 20 years of other less effective meds. It has changed my life. I got help through bipolaruk and bipolarscotland which was v helpful. Go to the support sessions, even online. They are for partners too. Get therapy. Be honest and realistic about triggers and your DW needs to develop a strict sleep schedule. It saved my life. I gave up coffee, more careful with alcohol, I don’t go out really as it sends me manic. Spicy foods trigger vivid dreams and lack of sleep. Look into the work being done at Edinburgh university and read about the research on light processing. It’s your wife’s responsibility to research with you and to develop awareness of triggers. Bipolar people can be very sensitive to change. Finding out I had ADHD was groundbreaking and helped me develop strategies. Bipolar can be really well managed.