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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nearly 8 months preg, with a 1 year old and feeling like DP does his best to stay away from us.

8 replies

Toriiaa · 14/12/2024 22:24

I'm having a complete meltdown, I'm literally having a crying period every day for weeks.

Been with my partner 6 years, we have a Lg who's 13 months and I'm 8 months pregnant with a baby boy.

To put this into context he's 29 and I'm 35, second baby was not planned and I fell pregnant before my first period whilst reducing breast feeding.

I'm an only child and have always wanted more than one child, so it's not a bad thing that I'm pregnant.

Between us we have 4 houses, he has 2 rentals, my mum lives in my first house but she pays the bills and interest element of the mortgage.
I remortgaged my house as I renovated it with cash, so took 120k out for us to buy our family home.

This family home is 10 doors up from his parents. Of which I am super close to his mum, and she's not too keen on driving so it really does help me with childcare.

I work full time, but as I've worked for the company for 10 years, they just leave me alone (commercial manager role, I just need to make sure we stay profitable)

DP knows I really struggle with having a different surname to LG, as I never wanted a child out of wedlock. To me, there is just something special about having a family name.

So, we bought our family home, I paid the deposit and spent 70k on the renovation.
He has to work a lot harder than me to keep up with my wage, I have a very busy job, keeping up business relations. Whereas he is a breakdown mechanic so relies on his call outs and overtime to top his wages up.

I'm really struggling to keep the house tidy. It's clean, and we have a cleaner 3 hours a week. But LG only does 3x6 hour days at nursery as they can't give me any more hours til next year.

We fall out about clutter because old me, pre mum, I used to sell loads on vinted and Facebook. I'd always have a decent pair of desirable trainers up for sale with an extra £30-40 profit to just give me more of a satisfaction of a sale over the need for the money as I live a really basic life.
I have bought stuff with the intention to sell, also boxed the baby clothes up from Lg to sell. But it's just ended up stored in the spare bedroom.

He is literally never at home, he works every other week on call so I often just see him in bed, and then for example this weekend he's gone out tonight with his friends, spent all day today repairing our next door neighbours fence because he felt sorry for her, and I'm here just left with Lg.

She's absolutely amazing, but I'm struggling to sleep being pregnant, so much on my mind and he left the radiator on in our bedroom so I thought I was having a hot flush and it was actually because the rad was on full blast. So that's two nights I've barely slept

Last week I've done 1000 miles visiting customers. With post nursery care taken on by his mum. And I'm genuinely embarrassed that he just leaves lg with his mum even though he's at home after work.

I feel like he just doesn't want to step up being a dad and I'm completely trapped. I'm the breadwinner and get 6 months full pay mat leave but I'm now at the point where I want to name little lad with my surname because I don't think me and DP are going to be together.

Lots of back story there, but mannn I'm so fucking lonely, I feel like he comes in and just sits in the kitchen watching stupid videos while I'm left in the lounge with LG, somehow managing to be 8 months pregnant, having a full time job and having 2 days a week with her at home with me.

His only experience of a female in the house is his stay at home mum, who does everything for his dad and the 3 boys. But she can, because she doesn't bloody work.
How do I get through to him I need him to step up and be there for me before I have a mental breakdown

OP posts:
MotherOfRatios · 14/12/2024 22:32

Sounds rough OP
Did he want kids? Or was it more you felt the pressure of the tick tok of your biological clock and he reluctantly agreed?

Have you voiced your concerns with him?

StSwithinsDay · 14/12/2024 22:35

How do I get through to him I need him to step up and be there for me before I have a mental breakdown

I'd say it's too late. He has zero interest in being a parent.

Whatabouthow · 14/12/2024 22:38

Do you want this relationship to work? Does he? You need a serious chat.

How much money do you actually need? You say he has to work extra hard to keep up with you - does he need to? If not can be drop the weekend stuff and pay proportional amounts for the bills and have more time for you as a family?

Just charity shop all the vinted stuff unless you need the money. Clutter is depressing.

Flittingaboutagain · 14/12/2024 22:43

I'm so sorry. I don't think you can. It's something that has to come from within him. A desire to be there for you and be as fully present as a parent and husband as it gets. He just doesn't want to and can't be made to. You can force him to fake it but he'll resent you and it'll show up in your life in some way. I speak from experience sadly.

Someone said recently on here that it's when the second is due you really get to see how much they want to parent. They can hide under the radar with number one because an excited ftm unless very poorly can manage and wants to do a lot herself but really needs more equal parenting in the third trimester. When someone said my wife is due our second next spring at work someone said
"Oh you'll be wanting lots of overtime the next three years then!" and loads of men laughed. Like it was a known phenomenon.

Inkyblue123 · 14/12/2024 22:46

Tell him you need couples therapy. If he won’t do it then sack him off.

healthybychristmas · 14/12/2024 23:21

Tell him things need to change. He needs to pay for more cleaning hours for one thing because he's not there to do anything himself. He needs to stop doing favours for other people and start doing favours for his partner and child. He needs to basically shape up or leave. I think you have to come down hard with this one.

Toriiaa · 15/12/2024 07:57

You know what thank you everyone for your replies. I expected to get "it's you, you're far too sensitive" in a way. Because that's how he kinda portrays it.
He came back at 3am and it just annoyed me

I will take on board about de cluttering. It does get to me but he doesn't give me time to sort it. As it's just me doing everything- or it's how I feel.
I sometimes think it's best for us to end it. So you know it's bad when you think about how you'll live your life without that person.

OP posts:
WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 15/12/2024 10:02

You and your kids are already without that person. He's deadbeat scum and a misogynist. The only difference will be not being woken up by him coming home from the pub like the loser he is.

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