To feel aggrieved by this and not know how to embrace my life anymore?

[Grreeeenfly]

I’m 39 in a month. Since I was a teen I had imagined, like a lot of people, meeting someone, getting married and having a family. Choosing paint for the bathroom and sharing plans for retirement. Having said that, I was always fiercely career driven and definitely had a few self esteem issues along the way where I let a few decent men go who wanted to build a future with me.

Whatever the reasons or whatever the mistakes I may have made, I’ve ended up here - a single parent, with a 2.5 year old at almost 39.

I have been lucky in that I have ok financial support from ex, which I know many single parents don’t have, though I suppose in some ways it’s sad that that’s something I have to consider a positive.

Ex sees ds most weeks at the weekend but due to the fact he earns well he is often working and therefore unable to do weekday bedtimes or nursery drop offs. I know I could grab the bull by the horns (so to speak!) and get back out there if I really wanted to. I could get a babysitter and really make the effort to meet someone. But… the fire has gone. The energy has gone. The hope has gone. It’s hard to explain but although I would absolutely love to have another child (probably unlikely now) and be married, I can’t seem to summon up the right feeling to go out and find it. It’s like that part of me is forever gone. I used to be quite the romantic, I enjoyed sex, I could really invest in a person and be excited about the possibility of a future… I honestly can’t imagine feeling that way anymore. Even when single in the past I used to have the feeling of still wanting that. Now though, it’s like it’s an abstract thing and I can’t access that part of me anymore.

I feel this part of life has passed me by. Apart from ds the future just feels empty. Not sad exactly, as I do enjoy life in many ways, but still empty. I don’t know how to navigate my future anymore?

You're experiencing a lot of changes, OP. The end of what you probably hoped would be a lifelong relationship, being solo parent to a young child, and the dreaded 4-0 approaching. All this can be quite disorientating. Hang on in there for a bit, enjoy your DC and your work, look after your health and see what happens. If you feel really down then talk to your GP or look for some counselling.

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo thank you. I’ve been single now since I was pregnant though, so nearly four years. I don’t know why I have become numb towards finding a life I always wanted (a shared life)

Disappointment and also the additional concerns around meeting someone new that parenthood brings. Plus it’s often easier to be alone than try out people who aren’t right, maybe are hard work or worse.

I think I’m coming to terms with the fact I will likely be alone now and it’s hard to accept

Could it be peri-menopause possibly contributing to the way your feeling (as well as having a small person who takes lots of energy)

Four years is a long time. Would you say you are depressed?

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo i really don’t know. How could I know? I do things with ds and I am working. I see friends when I can. I suppose now you’ve asked me that so directly I actually wouldn’t be able to tell you when I last felt energised by life and excited by it. But are you supposed to at 39?!

39 is pretty young. Some people greatly fear turning 40, could that be you?
I think that if you can possibly find the time and the cash, it would be really helpful to talk this through with a counsellor. Something has happened to your joy in life and your age does not account for it.
Perhaps your employment includes access to EAP (free counselling and other help).

I know this might sound flippant (it’s not meant to) but do you think you might feel differently if you threw yourself into a few online dates? Nice make up, shaved your legs? You know… the kind of stuff we used to do before we had kids, when we felt vaguely sexual? (I say this as a mum of 2 who has just turned 40 and feels 100% sexless… unfortunately for my DP I’m not single though so he just has to put up with it for now)

I’m late 40s and I do feel energised and excited by life. But you’re single parenting a 4yo and that’s hard- don’t underestimate what you’re doing and what you have been through in the last 5-10 years.

Maybe see if some new hobby or course of study might help, or try some sort of mind-body therapy or activity? Something like a journalling workshop, solstice yoga retreat, something you might not usually choose?

Were they your dreams or was it something everyone does and you ought to do?
Maybe you need a new dream? Start a business, travel while DC is young, buy your own place?

I have a 3.5 year old and a baby and I am happily married but I can't be bothered to shave my legs or have sex, I am exhausted. I don't think that part of you has gone. I think you're focusing on your child and being a single mother is tiring. Your little one is still so young, they take so much time and energy.

I know it'll come back for me, and it'll come back for you too, my DH feels the same as well. All just knackered, that's all!

And I'm 37 so about your age

Instead of going all in and looking for a new relationship, why not just try doing something new for you - a hobby, a sport, whatever. Just something to make small steps in breaking your routine and hopefully starting to re-energise yourself. Ideally, find something that brings you into the company of new people, even if it is just once a month. Tiny steps.

Having a very young child is really draining, even in a relationship. I'm married with a supportive partner, but my normal life was just destroyed by having a child (and then another). Not to say it was all bad, but it was hard work, and it involved a complete change in my life and my habits. You've been doing it on your own (with a bit of help) for 2.5 years! That's a lot.

So my response is: of course you feel drained, and don't have the energy to go out and meet anyone - it's a natural consequence of parenting a very young child. But it gets a lot easier as they get older. A 4 year old can get themselves up, dress themselves, explain what they want and listen to reason - very different from dealing with a toddler! I think you'll find that as things get easier at home you might find yourself with more energy for other things, like going out and meeting someone (if that's what you want). I got the sense from your post that you feel there is something "wrong" with you, but please don't feel that way. You're just a parent, dealing with a lot on your own, and it won't be like this forever. x