The fake friend

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

I have a lovely group of friends, we all get on really well and always there for one another.

There is just one person in the group I'm a bit unsure of. I'm not sure if I'm just over reacting and looking into it too much.

She's quite prim and proper, house is spotless, sort of lives in a bit of a fairyland world of perfection.

She knows everyone and is very popular, I'm the type which prefers smaller more intimate circles.

What I struggle with is that she is lovely to everyone, will go out of her way to help people. But she talks about people a lot behind their backs, and then acts all nice to their faces. I don't know why this bothers me so much.

I'm the total opposite, what you see if what you get. I'm very black and white, I either like you or I don't and I struggle making small talk with people I dislike or don't trust. I think she thinks I'm being rude at times, so maybe I'm the person in the wrong here! With people I like then I'm incredibly loyal and will do anything for them.

It's just something I've been thinking about for a while. Am I wrong to feel this way?

You’re not wrong, but what can you do?Maybe it’s known she’s a gossip? You just be your best authentic self
It is a funny dynamic to observe socially gregarious gossips they always unravel (badly)
Just don’t share owt you don’t want her blabbing

I thought you were going to mention the ones who are your friend because they want something. Like inviting me to things because I have a car and they don't.

I have an acquaintance who words gossip in a 'Do you think so-and-so is ...?' way, and I think she then repeats it as 'JD said so-and-so is ...'

They aren't friends.

Re small talk, it’s a skill that you can can practice . Use innocuous social topics and be a good listener. Most folk will talk about themselves

I can do small talk, but I just don't enjoy it 🤣

I try to keep myself out of drama, but sometimes I probably come off as aloof. The exact opposite to my friend. However I just don't want to be fake and pretend I'm super lovely to everyone and then talk about people afterwards!

Your approach is v sensible, best to not get embroiled in someone else drama

The best answer is to not forget about who she is. Don’t engage in gossip or badmouthing other people, maybe even politely disagreeing with some of the badmouthing but without her turning on you and be very boundaried in what personal information you share with her.

be breezy and casual but don’t see her as a proper friend. More of a surface friend who you get on with but don’t dip below the surface level with.

unless you want to actually pull her up and stop being friends which you should be able to do but be prepared for fallout and possibly other friends deciding on her side.

So your asking us is it wrong to be honest and right to be fake?
I think you can probably answer that yourself

Thanks. I wouldn't stop being friends with her. But I will keep at a distance because I just sadly don't trust her. It's strange at the start she seemed so absolutely lovely, but it's just something I've noticed over time.

Other people absolutely lovely her and think she's amazing, but I'm not sure they see the same person I do!

I suppose it depends on what this friend is saying about others. If she is being really nasty and disclosing personal or confidential information then she is obviously a cow. However, if she is the type of person that simply enjoys talking to a variety of people but likes to whinge a little from time to time that 'Sarah does go on about herself sometimes' or 'Maria always pinches the last biscuit' then I don't think that's really a problem or unauthentic. You can like someone overall but have a few minor gripes from time to time.

If they say it to you they're saying it about you

I had someone like this in my group of friends. Everyone (it seemed) thought she was lovely - so sweet, a bit ditsy, always had lots to say and always seemed to do everything perfectly. Her presents were always beautifully wrapped with bows, that sort of thing. She’d always ask how you were with a hand on your arm and a tilt of the head.

I found her fake. She was a primary school teacher, she’d tell ‘funny’ stories about children in her class that I thought were patronising and even racist. She often made disparaging comments about others in our group, always dressed up as a joke or a ‘poor X, she’s so busy - no wonder she forgot’.

Gradually it emerged that others in the group felt the same way. I’d say be true to yourself, stick with the people you do like and trust, and just avoid having too much to do with her. I bet you’re not the only one who feels she’s a bit flaky.

Thanks I will definitely take everyone's advice.

I don't want to say specific examples, but she will mention things about close family friends - people who she loves spending time with. But then over time she will talk about personality traits she dislikes about them which I just see as the person being their authentic self. So I'm sure she will have said something about me at some point.

She's almost obsessed with being perfect and being liked but I see through it.

Sometimes I think these types of people can be the most toxic 😦