to be so mad at dh

[EmmaPr]

Before I wrote this thread I tried to think hard about what my issue was with my relationship with my husband. I think it is that I feel like I am the responsible adult in the marriage and he is the child. I feel alot of responsibility on my shoulders and I wish he would take some if this burden.
We've had a row about money tonight because our outgoings are more than our incomings and I had to practically beg him to have a conversation about it. In the end we resolved nothing and he said we'd manage how we always manage, ie on my bonus. I have always shared all my income, whereas he keeps a portion back for his own spend and puts the rest into our joint account.
I prompted all the decisions about our girls (have 2 little ones) nursery and I know it will be the same as the girls grow up - I will be the one checking out the schools in the area, making sure the girls are getting the right and best education, getting the girls involved in clubs and activities with friends. I'm just letting off steam but I honestly believe that I wear the trousers in this relationship and that bothers me and irritates me and makes me very tired. It's probably an old fashioned view - ie why shouldn't the woman wear the trousers, but my point is - why can't we share responsibility. Why can't my husband be proactive for once.

Don't bail him out with your bonus. Put that in a separate account away from him.

As soon as I do that sort of thing I am keeping secrets and we have always had a very honest relationship.I feel that would be the slippery slope. But to be honest I feel as though I am on that slippery slope already by the amount of times I ask myself why I got married in the first place.
Oh God. Now I'm crying. I do love my husband but am so irritated by his laid back attitude sometimes. I know I should just put up and shut up.

What did you agree about responsibilities before you married?

You might not be able to force him to share all his income, but you can cut back on what you put in the joint account.

yes definately put your bonus in a separate account. It doesn't have to be a secret, if he asks where it is, tell him.

To be honest, regardless of income, it's a bit unfair for one partner to give all of their income and the other to hold some back. If your dh is keeping X amount of money for himself every month then you should do the same.

To be honest I think the money thing is only part of a much bigger issue. The issue is that I am the adult who really makes the big decisions. I even had to coerce him into proposing to me so I suppose I should have known how it was going be.
Does anyone out there ever think " why did I get married to this man?" or is that the sign of a bad marriage. How many times do you have to think it before it definately is a sign of a bad marriage? !!!
I never talk about this kind of thing to my friends cos then everyone would be so worried about me and I'd be forced into making some sort of decision.

I think woman are just better at getting things done!
My dh would say 'we' make all decisions together and share all responsibility and stuff but in actual fact he just pretends to have input by listening to my suggestions saying the odd yes/no/maybe or 'Idonknow'.
I have found the odd kick up the arse (not literally of course) does the world of good now and then!
if he's acting like a child, treat him like one and give him an allowance so you have control of all the money - he wll soon want to discuss it with you then!

Thanks nametaken. Think I will do that.

Thanks for sensible advice everyone. I was afraid you'd all say I had to write my feelings down to him etc - he would think I'm being dramatic and laugh.
Behind every (good) man there's a woman.
Also, I once read that what every woman needs a wife. i think that's so true.

If I left tomorrow (don't want to, love him dearly etc...) I don't think my DH would have the first clue. He'd be floundering around like an idiot with everything.

He's very good at doing 'chores', cooking, cleaning etc... but yup, I am the one who has made all decisions re nurseries/childcare, who sorts out all the money, I know where all both our money is all the time, make sure we have enough in the right accounts etc.... he even gives me his details so that I can do his online banking. Just easier- especially now he is the only one working. I sort out all the paperwork for anything, book our holidays, make sure the house is stocked with the right things, that the children have clothes, bla bla bla.....

I feel very much like my DH supports me entirely and does his fair share, but I am just a bit of a control freak, and know that I can just keep all these things under control and sorted better than he.

I suppose YANBU if you are tired of being the grown up in the relationship,..... but does your DH actually know you feel like that?

My relationship with my DH has developed the way it has because I am happy to do all that stuff, and he is happy to let me! I am sure if I turned around and said 'ugh, you sort it for once in your life', he probably would....

Well the good thing about mumsnet is that you can talk anonomously here and ask all sorts of things that you wouldn't talk to real life friends about.

And if you feel like your the mother to your dh as well as your dc then simply stop doing anything he can sort out for himself.

It's not your job to do his laundry, make his doctors appointments, pay his cheques into the bank, remind him to ring his mother, deal with his social calander blah de blah de blah.

I can see your point of view totally but in another respect if you are the only one making the decisions you are obviously thinking hard about them and doing lots of reserch and organising everything .But lets say he had different ideas to you and say for example he wanted them to go to different schools or nursery what would happen then . Ok you are left making all the choices and you are getting what you decide because you know you are right , IYSWIM

Yes, paros, I do see what you mean. It helps writing all this stuff down and I feel better already. DH is not a bad hubby really, just very laid back compared to me. he just lets me makes all the decisions, but if I couldn't then he would take over, I'm sure. Trouble is I come home from work in a stressful sales environment and expect him to be all fired up like me even though he's been working from home on his computer all day with just the postman to speak to!!.

My dh does take responsibility for financial, but he has his head in the clouds a lot of time. I have found the best way (after years of shouting and losing my temper) is to be very passive about the things that affect him more than me and take charge of the things that are important to me.

So, for instance, he is never on time. I used to always stress about getting to the airport on time for flights, and he would think of the fastest time he had ever made it to Heathrow (ie once at 4am) and allow that much time. He would leave it up to me to book the taxi, remember the passports etc. So for those holidays that I really didn't care if we missed (ie to visit the in-laws) I just didn't do anything except pack my own stuff. We did almost miss a flight once, and I didn't get uptight or blame him or say "I told you so", and the next time he was much better.

The point is that he felt I was so in charge that he didn't need to try, so when I took his position of being laid back he was forced to be more responsible.

Definitely keep back as much of your salary as your dh does and if the account goes overdrawn once or the credit card doesn't get paid once then don't kick up a fuss, don't solve the problem with your bonus, just let him sort it out.

By the way, dh is not completely cured - see this thread for today's lack of forethought. I think I've probably changed more than him and I just let things go more, although every now and then he gets us both into a situation that involves loads of effort at short notice on my part to sort out and I do give him a bollocking then. When I do let rip at him he seems to take it on board better than when I was always whinging at him for being late etc.

thanks for making me laugh bran.

I have a similar issue, except that my ire is directed more at my housemate (we co-own the flat together, DH moved in a few years after we bought it) and every single bill is in my name, I manage the joint account, sort out all the household stuff etc etc. Meh.

The situation is similar with my DH except that at the moment he's got a get-out clause because it's not his house. I do tend to organise everything for the two of us though. I know it's partly because I'm slightly obsessive and a bit of a control freak but it does annoy me at times. ANYWAY what I find works is to give him a really specific job to do - eg I'm currently pregnant and (kind of inevitably!) doing almost everything but I asked him to look into car seats and child's trust funds and he did both within a couple of hours

I feel your pain EmmaPr. The advice about being passive with regards to things that only affect him is good. I do this very much with my DH. He is extremely selfish and expects a lot of favours and support with his own pursuits (his Mum always did as he was growing up). I do not get involved in any way with his choices now unless they affect me greatly. He went on holiday with his mates one year and ran out of money on the second day, ringing me to ask him to pay some in to his account despite the fact that I had flu, not much money of my own and a 5 month old baby to look after. I said ring your Mum and hung up then switched off my phone for the rest of his holiday. He doesn't ask any more. Its hard but you just have to withdraw.

Incandescent - good for you, not being a doormat.

Your post really made me laugh at myself - I could have written it. Yesterday due to cooker dying I said to DH could he sort out dinner on the way home. Normally I run the house (incl shopping, cooking, etc). He brought back expensive blueberry icecream and some milk.

And on a more serious note - we have similar arguments around money - I pay the bills, sort everything out, organise DS (and nursery). But the thing is although it exhausts me and irritates me on occasion when I yearn for 'milk tray man' or similar to sort it all out, the truth is that would kill me. I like organising stuff because then I know its done and done right. Just my personality I guess. And yes I do think when on the times he goes all passive - why did I marry you? I could do this all on my own... etc. However his relaxed approach is a good thing in the main and I have learnt to let go a bit (I don't have to spend hours researching holidays etc because I know that DH is so easygoing he'll be happy with anything.)

I think the key is appreciation. I know that DH does appreciate all the household stuff I do - he tells me a lot. So maybe you feel that he doesn't get exactly how much responsiblity you take on.

Well, it's nice to hear I'm not alone!
I do think I'm a control freak, so I'd probably feel uneasy if DH did decide to take control of the bills, kids' nursery etc!

To be fair to DH (well I have had some wine)he does his fair share of childcare (even though I have to bite by tongue when he doesn't make dd brush her teeth or hair before he takes her to nursery) and he does all the DIY chores around the house. It's that passive 'it'll all be OK' attitude that makes me want to shake him sometimes - I went mad waiting for DH to chase an insurance company regarding a burst pipe we had (that was his little job to do!) - his 'I'll give them til tomorrow to get back to us' made me tear my hair out. Yes, he did get it done eventually but I could have got that insurance company out much sooner!!

To be serious, I don't think he does appreciate everything I do to make our family run smoothly and I don't think he really ever will unless I leave which I don't really want to do even though I fantasise about it in my darker moments. I'm sure he thinks I don't appreciate him either!