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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end a flaky friendship

26 replies

0123thehollyandtheivy0123 · 14/12/2024 16:54

AIBU to end this flaky friendship ?

3 years ago I adopted a young school aged child. Solo adopter. I was not able to return to work due to my child's additional needs.

A workmate kept in touch with me. We have only met up 3x in 3 years. The first year or so we messaged regularly. In the last 2 years everytime I message my friend it took her months to reply. She then says "let's meet up". I give her some dates. We arrange a date. She then cancels on me, then messages months later and the whole thing repeats. Amidst all this we did meet up 3x in these 3 years.

I had not heard from her for over 6 months and had consigned her to the ''friendship has ended after drifting apart box'. She completely out of the blue messaged full of apologies and asked to meet up. I explained I was upset with what had been happening and the negative effect on my child. My child kept getting excited at meeting her and then being let down. Remember that my child has significant additional needs and requires stability. My friend was again full of apologies and said yes let's meet. She then didn't message again for 6 weeks and we set a date to meet up. Then a few days later said she couldn't meet up, and has asked if can we meet another day - one day this week. I've said we are busy. She's said can you find time ?

I am obviously extremely p*ssed off and my child is in tears.

My friend says she's been under a lot of stress at home/life - hence all the flakyness.

ICBA anymore..... as it's like a washing machine on repeat ! Life is challenging enough with my very high needs child to deal with a friend who isn't much of a friend !

Would you try yet again ?
Would you ignore her last message ?
Would you 'have it out with her and tell her to do one's and then block ?
Would you just block her from this point ?

Normally I just don't reply to people/contact them if a friendship has drifted. But this friend has let us down so much and I am p*ssed off.

Thanks if you read it this far. Reading this back it sounds bonkers....

OP posts:
0123thehollyandtheivy0123 · 14/12/2024 17:03

@mumsnet please can you remove the poll. I dont want it on this thread. Thank you.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 14/12/2024 17:04

No I wouldn't

leia24 · 14/12/2024 17:05

You can end a friendship for any reason you like, but stop telling your child the plans with your unreliable friend?

freshlaundrysmell · 14/12/2024 17:06

No, I wouldn't contact her ever again and I wouldnt respond to any further messages.

We all have stress in our lives, we are all busy- she is not the only one dealing with stress, but most of us manage to keep in touch with the people who matter to us. Apologies mean absolutely nothing if the behaviour doesnt change- they're just empty, meaningless words.

Move on and focus on the people who do care for you and your child.

Pandasnacks · 14/12/2024 17:08

Given your child's needs and your friends flakiness I'm surprised you keep telling them about the planned meet ups, and I'm also surprised that child is so attached to this person they've met 3 times in 3 years. I understand you want to prepare your kid for meet ups but if it causes so much upset I'd try something else.

End the friendship for whatever reason you want.

HelplessSoul · 14/12/2024 17:10

Arrange a time and date, then YOU dont show up.

Delete and block her. She sounds like a twat. Let her know what it feels like to fuck around with dates and timings.

ThisWeeksGripe · 14/12/2024 17:12

leia24 · 14/12/2024 17:05

You can end a friendship for any reason you like, but stop telling your child the plans with your unreliable friend?

That's the bit that struck me too. Why are you involving your child in these plans? You know your friend is flakey, so don't set your child up to be disappointed.

However, I would end this totally pointless friendship if I were you. You get nothing out of it other than frustration and disappointment.

Thatcastlethere · 14/12/2024 17:12

I think I'd ask her why she kept cancelling? Has she got something going on?
If she didn't provide an adequate reason then yes I'd end the friendship.
But I would give her a chance to explain as we all have stressful lives.. I have empathy for that.

2025willbemytime · 14/12/2024 17:16

You need to stop telling your child you're meeting up. After they were upset after the first cancellation that was your hint to not repeat telling them.

lacefan · 14/12/2024 17:18

Why do you keep telling your child if you know she's this flaky?

End the friendship - you barely see each other anyway and she's taking "months" to reply to you, doesnt really sound like much of a friendship at all

Justmuddlingalong · 14/12/2024 17:19

"Look, let's just leave it."
And forget about her and move on.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2024 17:22

"My friend says she's been under a lot of stress at home/life - hence all the flakyness."
As explanations go, that is not good enough. She has been dicking you around for TWO YEARS now.

"... has asked if can we meet another day - one day this week. I've said we are busy. She's said can you find time ?"
'Find time for what? To be cancelled on again?'

I don't care how much stress she is under, there is no excuse for putting YOU under the stress of her flakyness. I'd either not respond at all, or be really blunt about how I feel about her behaviour - both barrels.

0123thehollyandtheivy0123 · 14/12/2024 17:22

To clarify... I am a solo adopter and where I go my child has to go. I have no childcare.

We arranged meet ups. I would then tell my child that this week on Monday we are doing A, Tues doing B, Weds doing C etc My child needs to know what they are doing each week. They have a visual timetable and have photos of the person on it they are seeing. And a step by step plan of what each day will involve. My child is ND.

And then my friend keeps cancelling.

Obviously sometimes plans change, but every time... come on...

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 14/12/2024 17:24

Makes no odds. Your friend is upsetting your child because you are playing into her hands. Tell your dc their other plans, don't tell them about the friend meeting.

NotMeForBakeoff · 14/12/2024 17:25

I'm afraid I voted YABU - but only because you gave her another chance. Just mute or ignore messages, or answer that you will get back to her.

lacefan · 14/12/2024 17:26

Obviously sometimes plans change, but every time... come on...

Well yes, exactly. You've told her how it upsets you and your child and she keeps doing it anyway. She doesnt care does she?

Life is way too short for this nonsense.

0123thehollyandtheivy0123 · 14/12/2024 17:28

I hadn't heard from her for 6 months. I hadn't mentioned her to my child in that time.

Then she messaged again and we set up a meet up for a few days away. Days later I then told my child we were meeting her tomorrow as it was all set up. Then she said she couldn't meet.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 14/12/2024 17:32

Think you need to be more blunt. No we leave it thanks due to you cancelling alot. I would call out bad behaviour. I muted some chats found they were weeks replying...Couldnt be ass with it all

user272181030 · 14/12/2024 17:34

I'd be telling her there will be no future meet ups and I'd tell her exactly why.

She's been messing you around for 3 years now. Why are you expecting her to be suddenly different?- she's repeated the same flaky pattern for 3 years, why would she suddenly change now?

Left · 14/12/2024 17:42

I ended a flaky friendship for similar reasons. Just constant cancellations interspersed with an occasional meeting. The first couple of times I was understanding, but after multiple instances of being let down I figured rather not make plans with them again x

AboutThisAndThat · 14/12/2024 18:06

I deal with people like this by only half agreeing to plans 'yes - I'm free on Wednesday afternoon at the moment. Send me a message on Wed morning and we'll sort out the details then if we're both still free'. I never chase them. That usually ends it - no fun/power/control in that for them is there...

I would be blunt under your circumstances though and just end it - for the sake of your child and your peace. Just a simple 'no thanks, take care x' will probably do given that you've already explained the effect that the cancellations have.

0123thehollyandtheivy0123 · 14/12/2024 18:47

ThisWeeksGripe · 14/12/2024 17:12

That's the bit that struck me too. Why are you involving your child in these plans? You know your friend is flakey, so don't set your child up to be disappointed.

However, I would end this totally pointless friendship if I were you. You get nothing out of it other than frustration and disappointment.

Yep it is actually a totally pointless friendship. And yep I get nothing out of it other than frustration and disappointment.

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 14/12/2024 19:52

My older brother would grab my hand and hit my face with it, and mockingly ask me why I was hitting myself.
I imagine lots of siblings did this when they were children.
This is what your “friend” is doing to you metaphorically, only you’re grownups.
Give this person your address and invite them to drop over any time — any time at all.
Don’t deviate from this invitation or modify it or agree to meet halfway.
That will be the end of any obligation on your part.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/12/2024 19:55

She's done this far far far too often. Time to finish.

Bogginsthe3rd · 14/12/2024 19:58

0123thehollyandtheivy0123 · 14/12/2024 17:22

To clarify... I am a solo adopter and where I go my child has to go. I have no childcare.

We arranged meet ups. I would then tell my child that this week on Monday we are doing A, Tues doing B, Weds doing C etc My child needs to know what they are doing each week. They have a visual timetable and have photos of the person on it they are seeing. And a step by step plan of what each day will involve. My child is ND.

And then my friend keeps cancelling.

Obviously sometimes plans change, but every time... come on...

Why do you keep telling your child though despite your experiences of trying to meet? Keep it as a welcome surprise if it happens. Otherwise you are setting your child up for disappointment each time.

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