Why am I such a people pleaser

[Nevertoomuchgarlic]

What the hell caused me to be like this?

Current situation is my dd has been v ill for 6 months, we’ve been through hell. Things are getting a little better, but Dh and I now coping with the after effects of everything and very down and tired
Friend I was very close to 20 odd years ago has come to stay nearby (they live a very long plane ride away) I last saw her 15 or so years ago. We’ve had the odd messages here and there over the years, but no real staying in touch. Those young years of friendship for 3 years were very intense and a special time, but it was a long time ago.
Dd is not well this week (on and off illness that flares up and causes behavioural issues too) she has woken at 4.30 every night ready for the day for a month, she’s been off school.
Dh and I are exhausted.
Friend is very intense and holds a lot of importance in this trip back to the place she lived, I understand that totally. She’s caught up with lots of old friends. When she booked it a year ago, the thought of meeting up and meeting each others kids was nice, but circumstances are so different at the moment. I haven’t seen close mum type friends since summer. Dh and I have basically been in survival mode.
I can’t meet up with her, things are too hard, but I feel horrendously guilty about it and think i’m a shit friend, I know she’ll be angry & upset about it too. She lives so far away that who knows if we’ll cross paths again.
Dh tells me to stop worrying about it and most people seem much less bothered about it when I explain the situation
Is there something wrong with me or am I a shit friend?

I’ve sent so many replies explaining the situation and apologising and saying I don’t think I can manage it etc, she keeps saying no pressure, but will then send other messages saying how she’s leaving soon and she’ll be at such and such place.

Maybe stop saying you don't think you can make it and tell her you very sorry but you won't be able to make it. Remove all doubt.

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast I feel
like through what i’ve said so many times, it’s quite clear i’m not in a good space to meet

People pleasing is a learnt behaviour with the purpose of avoiding shame.

You mention your guilt and your belief that she will be angry and upset.

Let her be angry and upset. Acknowledge to yourself that this makes you feel extremely uncomfortable but it’s just a feeling. Feelings come and go, this feeling wont be there forever, it will pass and it won’t harm you.

I’m an ex-people pleaser. Many, many hours of counselling have helped me to learn the above strategy.

Have you said look I'm sorry but I absolutely cannot meet up with you at all this trip. I'm disappointed about it but it's just not possible.

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast I’m
finding it really hard to say it that directly, but my countless messages I think say it and she’s pushing it more

I want to screenshot this post because since the age of 13 I’ve been a dyed in the wool people pleaser because of my abusive mother calling me insults like ‘selfish’ and ‘spoilt’ when objectively I was neither of those things.

unfortunately I feel that people pleasing makes people more vulnerable to things like humiliation and abuse. That certainly applies to me. Your first paragraph here has been very useful to me.

OP you’re not a shit friend at all.

in fact I’ve been thinking about this exact type of issue a lot recently before I even read your post.

back around 1998/9 I had a clear out of a lot of relationships including my long term partner and childhood friends

I finished with my partner and started saying no to friends’ invitations.

what is significant is that in all cases - my ex partner and my various school friends I felt guilty about saying no to them . In fact 25/26 years later I STILL feel guilty but at the same time I feel guilty I feel I did EXACTLY the right thing. Truth is, I’m glad I didn’t meet up with them and the relationships subsequently fizzled out because in short, I didn’t want to

I'm sorry but they don't.
She's not going to take the hint because she doesn't want to.

If you don't want to be direct then what are you going to do? Go there in the end?

Yes a people pleaser would 100% go there . I am one !!

OK she's either giving you the chance to meet if you feel up to it, which is nice, and you shouldn't feel bad because she wouldn't want you to.

OR

She's pressuring you in which case she's a cow and you shouldn't feel bad.

There's two issues with people pleasing; one is that you don't think you count as 'people', the other is that it's dishonest. In this case, only the first applies. You are people, you count.

Just sent a long, detailed message…see even now after sending it, I feel sick with anxiety.,,why? Would anyone else? Not sure it’s normal

Many of us would feel a flash of anxiety, a little unhappy, maybe uncomfortable.

But feeling 'sick with anxiety' because of meeting a need you have, no that's not healthy. You NEED not to do anything else. You have thought about it and made the right choice for you. Unpicking why you then still feel sick with anxiety is important. You don't have an internal voice saying, "I feel bad but it can't be helped". You have a reaction that tells you you are wrong. How did that get installed?

In answer to your question “would anyone else?” OP - yes, I definitely would

although I ALWAYS know I’ve done the right thing saying no it’s so difficult shaking off people pleasing habits

Tbh with me it got installed by my mum (wrongly) calling le ‘spoilt’ and ‘selfish’

@Jumell

@MrsTerryPratchett V interesting, yes, i’m not sure how it got installed