Feeling helpless about my teenager

[user873628]

I have a teen DC. They are genuinely absolutely lovely and very kind-hearted, if a little young for their age in some ways. They have a mild disability which is very obvious to others but doesn't impact their mental capacity, but it has held them back academically (although they're beginning to catch up now) and socially. They have never had many friends and it has been a source of heartbreak for us both.

Since they began secondary school a few years ago, they have had some friends but no one they seem really close to. They are in group chats but no one ever messages them personally or invites them out etc. I have tried to facilitate trips out with friends, such as taking them to the cinema, but this is never reciprocated. I've been worried for a while DC is being left out of things and have had a few private concerns that certain friends aren't real friends at all, but DC denies this. Of about 10 invited out for DC's birthday (all paid for) only two showed up. I've just found out the friendship group all did a secret santa but 'forgot' to add my DC to it. I feel like crying. My poor child is genuinely so wonderful and doesn't deserve this. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it because my DC is being incredibly resilient and brushing it off but I am privately fuming about it. I don't really know what my AIBU is but is this normal? Is there anything I can do? Should I be more involved? They have tried a few clubs but struggle with these due to their disability and the fact other kids see them as 'different' from the start, and DC is rarely keen to keep these up as they feel lonely.

Have they tried scouts or explorers? Iv found they are very accepting of differences and most leaders go out of their way to be inclusive.

I could have written exactly this. Ds has ASD, is very young for his age and rather emotional.

Schools can be horribly cliquey, and I image anyone socialising with my ds loses a lot of cool-points. All of his friends seem to be girls who are possibly making a show of how kind and inclusive they are rather than actually including him, none of them see him outside of school or have wanted to come on trips I've offered.

Getting my ds into outside school activities with a wider range of age groups seems to make him more accepted and included as a person but still hasn't led to any outside friendships.

I don't know the answer. I think he will just take time to grow up and we have to wait for his peers to mature and care more about the person than the image. I'm thinking that's very late teens at best.

Yes and they go and quite enjoy it but still aren't making any outside friends

It's heartbreaking isn't it? DC's 'friends' are far from the 'cool' kids so I wonder if they just don't want to include them because of DC's disability. I really hope it does improve and they can have happy friendships and relationships as an adult because they deserve to.

Would it be possible to find a support group for teens with the same disability even if they could just chat online

This is reasonably normal.

At secondary you do get the social kids who are always in and out and round each other's houses.

But there are lots who are not.

Most teens have a few friends but not many and see them infrequently outside school.

Many teens do a few activities outside school - scouts, cadets, music, sports and often these take up time.

The older they get (and particularly as they move on to post 16) the more they tend to find their tribe.

My daughter doesn't have a disability but has struggled horribly at school with so called 'friends'.
She seems to have found her tribe now but I live in fear of another group imploding and being back to square one.
I wish I knew what the answer was, I had a horrible time in school because I didn't 'have the right things' so I was determined that wouldn't happen to my kids but it turns out the right trainers etc still doesn't help!

I didn't think of this. It's quite rare but I'll have a look now.

It's an absolute minefield isn't it? I've bought them stuff like the North Face jacket in a stupid attempt to help them fit in (they weren't even bothered for it, and I'm not materialistic so I'm not sure why I did this btu parenting makes you crazy), and I'm meticulous about them never going to school with greasy hair/scruffy clothes etc. in an effort to make sure they can't be picked on for something. It doesn't seem to work though.

It's really hard and I'm sorry but I'm wondering if you maybe shouldn't be less involved rather than more? Trying to engineer social occasions that don't work out is only going to cause more pain.

Teenagers are selfish and even those with many friendships are constantly getting hurt by them. It's a hard stage made harder when there are additional challenges like your DC's.

I would second the suggestion if trying to meet up with teens who have a similar disability, to give some common ground to build on.
Other than that, I'd focus on providing love and support within the family, nuclear and extended.

Eventually, your DC will likely find their tribe amongst those with a shared interest.

It's hard not to be heartbroken but I'd try to remember that even "popular" kids' relationships are frought with emotional grief at that age.

I don't have exactly your experience but I do have a teen with asd so I do understand your concerns.

My teen has a small group of friends but friendship doesn't come easily to him. I don't get involved directly in his friendship group but I do talk to him about what friendship is, what's expected of a friend, how to tell a true friend from an acquaintance or a false friend etc etc as the social rules governing all this are difficult for him to decipher, especially with nt friendships.

So one thing you could think about is what are your child's friendship skills like? Are there any he needs to learn?

Absolutely , I am exactly the same and she goes to school in a meticulously clean uniform with the 'right' bag/shoes/coat etc. They called her fat (she was a little chubby but she has started monitoring her eating and doing more exercise so she is now a size 8-10). They still call her fat.
It's almost like heard mentality at school, once they have decided you are unpopular it's a free for all to bully you until you leave.
I found my tribe when I was about 18 and started work but school was hell on earth, I wish I knew why history is repeating itself with my daughter ☹️

You did this because you are a great mother and you love them. I hope you realise you are doing your best for them so don't be hard on yourself xx

Yes we do try to work on these with them as they're a bit lacking in minor ways but that's mostly due to not having had friends growing up, poor thing. Nothing major, just being a bit immature in group chats and stuff at times.

That's absolutely awful to read, your poor DD! I'm lucky that my DC isn't bullied; they're just left out. Can you move her school? Surely a decent school wouldn't tolerate that kind of nastiness and bullying?

I've emailed, spoken on the phone and been into school about it. The problem is they sort it out with one person and then another one starts so it's back to the beginning again.
I looked at moving schools and the only suitable school had no places, she has also started her GCSE subjects so it's a tricky time to move her.
Luckily she does have some nice friends out of school and she has been horse riding since she was five and she is brilliant at it so hopefully that gives her a confidence boost.
It's just heart breaking not to be able to fix everything for them anymore.

Sorry to have hijacked your thread with my woes @user873628 .

You can take children out of school for GCSEs and take them independently. There is online schooling and a home Ed community of other kids who have been through similar experiences.