Boss making innuendos

[Lostinsurburbia]

Hi, a bit of advice needed. I started a new job in the civil service 3 months ago. 9 months training in a small team with a manager who has worked for the CS for 25 years.
mum 52, mum of 3 with a long term partner. This is a big job move for me and we are at management level. Currently in my probation and my manager is over seeing that and will sign me off to stream into my department in 6 months.
The issue is whenever we have a one 2 one meeting. Probation review etc he makes icky innuendos. Yesterday we had our meeting on teams as he works generally from a different office. I had to lean forward to plug my laptop into another screen and he said ‘Oh an only fans moment ‘ he’s mentioned ‘only fans’ twice previously in meetings. Another time he put something on the screen and I said, ‘it’s a bit small’ and he replied ‘ I’ve heard that a few times’ and laughed. The question is am I being over sensitive or is this ick and should I do anything? I feel ick when he says it and it’s played on my mind as being disrespectful. What do you think? He’s in his 40’s, single.

I'd say something like "aren't you rather old for the schoolboy sniggering?: and give him your most withering look.

Or ask him to repeat offensive remarks then say "really????" In a withering tone

Yes, as a first step. How he responds to that wpuld dictate my next step.

I'd probably just be clear next time 'I don't like innuendos' or speak to HR if you don't feel able

I’d say, “Okay, That’s enough!”

I'd give the cold, hard stare. This usually terrifies most men.

Or "What do you mean, Only Fans? Sorry, I don't understand." See what he says next.

Or you could say, "Have you been reading about Gregg Wallace?"

When he says something say "what?" and frown slightly. Make him repeat it, slowly. Then just look at him as if he's grown a second head.

I've had a few similar issues over my 35 years at work, not often of course, but it does happen. I have handled in the following way which kind of steps it up a gear each time in terms of you registering disapproval:
Always be "super efficient" round them, no time for small talk, I'm quite brisk.
If there is a comment I don't like I will give a sharp look, act slightly surprised. Let them register you noted it and didn't like it, don't hide "the look".
If it persists I would say "that's not appropriate" but then immediately move on. For example "that's an only fans moment" response "I don't find that appropriate, but moving on, we're here to talk about x matter, so please tell me blah blah blah" this registers your disapproval but doesn't make it "a thing".
If it continues after the previous strategy then I would say "I don't appreciate these types of comments from you" and pause. Let it be uncomfortable for him.
If it it continues I'd say you really don't like and will take HR advice - but then you are getting into confrontational territory and if he's been there a long time it sadly probably won't be him that's going but your "performance will be called into question" to something.

I hope I've conveyed how to increase the pressure on him to stop going from gentle to increasingly upping the level to get him to stop. Good luck OP! these people (usually men) are twats!

Keep a record of this. If you can't record things, then write them down somewhere, but not in a work document. Use something like your own Google document. Record a few of you can.

He knows what he's doing as it only happens in one to one meetings so it's intimidating.

Be aware that he's been there forever and escalating this could end badly for you, unfortunately, so try to just close this down gently if you can. You shouldn't have to think like that but unfortunately reality can be shit.

And then just gradually make it clear you didn't want this. Start with a blank stare kind of response and gradually move to more obvious push back. He's careful not to do this in front of others so it's likely to back off. Sadly, he may also give you a less than glowing review as well, but the more that you can keep this subtle, the more likely you are not to bruise his ego.

This kind of shit is such a pita.

Once you've been there 2 years, you can decide if you want to take this to HR with the records you keep.

He’s clearly not reading the room banters fine if your all on the same page

just directly tell him u don’t like it

Thanks all good advice. So far I’ve ignored it, blanked it. But I’ll start with the stare and go from there.

Really sorry to hear this OP. It's sexual harassment, which the CS as your employer is now under a duty to take reasonable steps to prevent https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-protections-from-sexual-harassment-come-into-force.

The advice about keeping a record, hard stare etc is good.

A Paddington Hard Stare is a good start but take contemporaneous notes, too. Every time.

@Lostinsurburbia id be doing the face like I’d smelt something bad and just say euwwww.

Ask him to repeat and explain what he means as you don't understand

Have you spoken with your PCS rep?

What grade is he and what grade are you? I think that might make a difference as to how I'd handle, but I'd probably try and have a chat with his manager tbh.

I'd say, 'I BEG your pardon?' in a freezing cold voice and give him an incredulous look.

He needs pulling up on this.

@ChristmasinBrighton no I haven’t. Do you think I should?

Yes, they can be brilliant in navigating this kind of situation.

Hell no this is not OK.

I work in the CS and am undecided whether you should go straight to HR or his manager rather than trying to address it. If you try he may worry you will report it and try to get in first with something to discredit you.

If you have any witnesses who'd back you up I'd say deal with it first but id imagine he's careful.

Are you in the union? It'd be good if you could tell someone before taking action.

I had a recent job as an admin assistant and I went to a desk with an office laptop to join some managers. I asked where I could sit and one of the male managers (mixed group some women some men) said I could sit on his knee! I tend to be a bit sarcastic and without thinking just said out loud "is it National Inappropriate Day and no-one has told me?". Everyone burst out laughing at him and I found a space well away from him. He didn't make comments like that again.

As a PP pointed out, it's sexual harassment and is making you uncomfortable. Report to HR and let them decide how to deal with it.

@Peaceloveandhappiness great comment. Well done.