My daughter is nearly 13 and is waiting for an Autism assessment. We are one year into a three year waiting list for the initial assessment.
I am a single mum, her dad is diagnosed with ASD. He was also abusive to me and we went to a refuge when she was a baby. I’ve been single ever since. After being in the refuges, we moved to a new area and I knew no one. I went to Uni whilst we were in supported accommodation and I got my undergrad and MA. Then I went to work full time.
I’ve always thought her behavioural issues were a result of trauma - her dad used to tell me I was passing my mental health issues on to her and she was always happy with him so I was a bad mum. She never slept, hated affection, hated getting dressed for school, screamed with hot tears when I brushed her hair. I would cry after dropping her at school and then I’d have to go to work.
I only realised something was wrong during lockdown when she was the happiest I’d seen her as she was always home. No demands of school, work or uniforms. After Covid lockdown, I moved her to a smaller school and she coped better. Then she started secondary school last year and it’s been awful. She’s been in a fight, she’s bullied girls, she’s been bullied, she’s self harmed twice, always issues with friends. She achieves top marks in tests so was always blamed for being naughty. She has migraines every day (I took her for tests and the optician and pediatrician said they were stress migraines), she’s been jumped on in school last month. She manages 3 days at the most each week; no one from school has picked this up.
I’ve attended parenting groups, nurture groups, had family support workers - everything asked for me over the years. She won’t work with anyone. She’s refused to work with CAMHS, school counselling, MIND. She won’t go to clubs, won’t come for walks with me or to the shop.
Her dad has spent periods of two years out her life over the years. Even though he’s Autistic, when I reached out and asked for help when things were bad this time last year, he said he didn’t want anything to do with her and she was a spoilt brat. He said her behaviour was because I have no boundaries at home. Then somehow they’ve started having contact again on WhatsApp and she’s been staying with him the last few weekends. She comes home exhausted and angry with me but insists on going because they bake together and she enjoyed that.
During the week, I work a really stressful job in safeguarding - sometimes finishing late at night then I’m up 6am because she doesn’t like it when I’m upstairs and she’s getting ready. On the days she can’t face school, I come from work and the house is a mess. In her room, she has dirty pads, dishes, food stains on the wall because she throws food and plates down the side of her bed. She boards things and gets angry if I try and clean. It smells.
Years ago, I was so houseproud. Over the years my mental health has declined and it shows in my home. I have no friends. I left everyone when we moved to refuge and I never made friends - just colleagues but I don’t socialise out of work. My mum was abusive to me, I was raised by my Nan. I don’t know my dad. I have no family. No support. I should relax when she’s with her dad but I spend the 24 hours cleaning, laundry, walking the dog and preparing for work on Monday.
Today, I snapped. I have an adult child who lives with his partner and they are due to visit this weekend (they live away). I got stressed thinking about what they will think of the house and mess. I got angry with my daughter, she called me a fucking bitch, said I’m always in work and she never sees me, I’m a bad mum, I’m poor, no one likes me. She’s texting her dad to tell him she hates me - which he will love.
Over the last couple of years, my home has fallen into disrepair and everything has broken. From ceiling to washing machine to the dog ripping carpet up, paint peeling. My car broke in the summer. I always feel like I’m struggling. I work so hard because it is a diversion from my daughter but I’m so tired, I have nothing to give her. I’ve read up on PDA and she fits criteria - I can’t place demands on her or she gets overwhelmed. I had a mental breakdown earlier this year. I rescued a dog to try and help her but she hits him and I can’t cope walking him as he’s so reactive.
Tonight im thinking I don’t want her dad to bring her home. If he does, I may call social services and say I can’t cope. I’m also thinking of handing my notice in at work. I can’t face another year like this. I’m morbidly obese because I binge eat to make me sleep. I’m always crying and tired.
can anyone advise something please?
I had a meeting at her school three weeks ago - nothing came out of it. They said they’d treat her as if she is autistic and appointed someone she can speak to at school. She won’t talk to anyone, she hates being different.
I can’t remember the last time I laughed but I know I cry every day.